Honest opinions appreciated!

[gooseygander]

DP and I have been togther 19 years and married for 9.
We have 2 kids 10 and 5
We run a very busy business togther and it is our life really along with the kids. He is that tired he usually comes home late, glass or 2 of wine, eats and falls asleep. Then wakes up and perhaps watches porn as we don't have sex much at all. In fact probably 3 times in the last year. We went away togther for a weekend and did have brilliant sex actually - after me being a bit frigid to start - out of the habit and I'm VERY concious of how I look - I look 7 months pregnant but am not.
The couple of times after were good, but he doesn't remember and thinks we last did it when away!
We have always been happy togther give or take and can chat forever about things and share so much in common.
The worry is the sex and we clearly don;t have the same passion we did. Although it occasionally comes out!
I sometimes feel I look at him as if he;s shit and vice versa. I feel now I'm getting older and fatter! we havn't got the same feelings.
We have discussed the lack of sex, but it never changes and we continue in the routine of not doing it at all. I often have to move beds in the night as he wakes me coming to bed and then snoring.
He has even said sorry for watching porn occasionally but he has needs. I suppose that's better than another woman - but how long will it be before it actually is another woman. I would be so gutted.
Please put some light on this and help me see if this is the way we just are - or that we are in fact doomed.
Thank you! Gooseygander

I think that you need to find a way back to each other by doing more fun stuff. It doesn't sound terminal at all to me, just the rut of the life stage you are in.

There seem to be a collection of issues here- lack of time, poor work-life balance, your poor self-image, weight- both of you- and lack of communicating your needs.

You seem to be saying you don't fancy him, and he doesn't fancy you- but then you are worried about him straying. Do youmean you aare withholding sex because of how you look- your shape- or that he isn't interested anyway? Perhaps because he is tired?

Can you tackle one issue at a time?

Does he know how you feel?

Whehe watches pron is he masturbating- is that what you mean by porn and him saying sorry? Why is he sorry?
And what about your needs? Do you have any?

If you are both unhappy over sex then you need to talk.

Sounds like you both need a life beyond the kids and the business, why don't you get active together, join a gym or something?
It will help with your body issues, although he doesn't sound too put off by your tummy, a sexy chemise or something will maybe give you more confidence too.
If you only really have weekends as free time then make the most of them, get out and about with the kids, relax and have a laugh, your life sounds like a boring routine atm, I'm not surprised you don't feel much like sex. Late meals + wine = unhealthy lifestyle.

Make a point of going to bed together at least 3 times a week, he's being selfish by just attending to his own sexual needs, it's an easy habit to get into, staying up alone at night instead of coming to bed with you.

It sounds like all you both need to do is to put in a tiny bit of effort to sort this out, it does get easier as the kids grow up too.
Your relationship will reap the rewards from the tiniest changes.

I think you are both tired and perhaps a little over-familiar, what with the business, kids etc. Frankly I admire anyone who can work with their partner. I imagine DH and I would murder each other in your shoes.

Since you have good sex when you are away I think it is about getting away from the routine for you guys. So you should agree to make more of an effort for a period; no porn, going to bed at the same time (and early-ish so you are not knackered), you to wear something nice to bed that you feel pretty in, both of you to make sure you say something complementary to the other during the day, etc etc.

I bet the lust is still there, but you don't really miss what you don't have IMO, so you need to find a way to kickstart it a bit.

Thanks guys - so all is not lost then. I agree, we are both overweight, drink too much to relieve the pressure and he can switch porn on to suit.
I don't really have a high sex drive - except when ovulating and I'm well up for it then - but the opportunity rarely presents itself as in bed at separate times. This is to get time alone to chill out and have space - rather than not wanting to be togther. We love cuddles and then kind of just go sleep as too much effort.
Doing thngs togther is the business as weekends are for the four of us to do stuff togther. We love nights out together and we really look forward to these. As for other hobbies togther - that just isn't going to happen when he works about 90 hours per week.
So how do I subtly change these bad habits and boost the sex life? Probably alcohol is the worse thing actually..

He was sorry for watching porn cos I said it upset me. He said 'I am sorry I watch porn now and again but I need to get some kind of sex life.' So he didn;t deny doing it.
It is down to my appearance that I don't feel like - but I wonder if he actually uses that as an excuse too - ie 'well you don;t want to becuase you are always so concious of your appearance'.

If he doesn't slow down and cut back on working such mad hours then he might just drop with a heart attack , especially if he's overweight and drinking every night to wind down, I'm suprised he hasn't got erectile difficulties tbh with such an unhealthy lifestyle, he'll end up diabetic too at this rate, I assume you're both around 40?

1. Cut out the booze for a month, it's empty calories and puts weight on around the middle - you'll both lose weight by doing this.
2. Can he come home an hour earlier every night?
3. Get a wii fit or something else that you can use at home.
4. Go to bed early together 2/3 times a week - Sex is the best all round destresser and relaxer going - it will also tone you up if you get a bit adventurous.

It is so easy to get into a dull and dreary rut, but it is also easy to get out of it and change things for the better.

90 hrs a week is plain daft. no matter how much you want to make money and have a business, that is a recipe for an early grave.

Add to that the drinking and no exercise - need we say more?
I am just going torepeat what others have said....

You both need to get a grip on this- either by cutting back on work, employing more staff,or whatever it takes.

If you hate your body then do something about it- losing weight is not rocket science.

It is quite possible that he has ED and is using coming to bed later etc as a way to avoid sex. The porn is a goo no-pressure way for him to indulge in some kind of sex but it's a pretty lonely one too.

You need to find ways to give yourselves a break and get a healthier lifestyle. No business is worth either killing yourself for or breaking upyour marriage.

I know this sounds harsh but you need a wake up call!

I think your comments are 100% correct. I think I need a chat with him and be really honest - at least I know we can chat. He did have a suspected heart attack last yr- turned out not to be. But he always has v high BP - and refuses point blank to have treatment. Basically DH does his things his way - even if it's the hard way. Hewill always be a workaholic.

I like the comment weight loss is not rocket science - it's not. It's not food either it's drink! It's a good destresser. I am going to try and get DH to come to bed with me at the same time as much as poss. The cuddles are there and we always eye each other up etc.. so I know we want it!!

It is easy to get out of he habit of feeling like having sex. If you have a cuddle or are giving each other the eye, try to be open to that leading to sex. Don't put it off unless you really have to (ie dcs are around). Clearly you both still desire each other, it just needs to be reawoken. Start by pinching his arse when he's not expecting it, maybe?

Sounds as if you are thinking along the right lines.

You need to take care too- drinking more than your 14 units a week is bad for women- you will have a higher risk of breast cancer as well as weight related disease such as diabetes and heart disease.

Drink might be a short-term destressor but it raises blood pressure- your DH should not be drinking much/at all if he has high BP.

Sorry if I sound like a party pooper but you both need to get this under control! Good luck.

This is from www.canceresearch.co.uk

Even small amounts of alcohol can increase your risk of breast cancer. Several studies have found that every alcohol unit drunk a day increases the risk of breast cancer risk by about 7-11%

There is unlikely to be a safe level of alcohol which doesn?t increase the risk of breast cancer. Some studies have found that drinking just one unit a day can increase a woman?s chances of developing breast cancer.

My husband had a porn addiction, I mistakenly thought it would make him more adventurous and "up for it". It actually reduced his labido. My close friends husband I've only recently discovered, also has a porn addiction and he is exactly the same. This doesn't mean everyone who watches porn must not feel like sex much. It just means in my situation it did affect our sex life and not in a good way, like I'd have thought. I'm not sure why I'm typing this, as depending on what porn it is and frequency of watching and the person, I suspect it affects them and the sex life in varying ways. But I did want to mention it.

Ultimately my H actually had an affair and he said his reason was because he felt he couldn't express himself with me and that was also why he watched porn.

He never did tell me in our marriage his needs weren't met or he'd like to try different things etc. I sometimes wonder if we'd been more open and honest about our sex life whether he would've had an affair, but I have no idea.

I really like Malificence's advice on here. Re-ignite your sex life.

I'm not sure I'm qualified (judging from the state of my marriage) if I should personally give you advice but for what it's worth, I used to go and take a shower and put something nice on, if I didn't feel like it and thought "he" was sending me signals that he was and by the time I'd done that, I was in a better frame of mind. As others have said, going to bed at separate times is not conducive to making it happen

I wish you luck though and hope the advice you receive here is helpful and turns things around

Thank you - I really value all the advice you have given. I think I just needed to know it wasn't the end. I didn;t realise the porn could actually be hindering things. I believe he does this about once per week. Have caught him a couple of times - not nice.Doesn't make me feel good. It;s just the soft stuff on sky. I don;t like it - but I'm 99.9% sure he wouldn;t do that if we had a better sex life.