....and that's why I won't have him here any more

[thisishowifeel]

Today I took my dd to the doctor as she has been complaining about "hurty wee wee pipes".

I get home to find four of five emails, each one more irate than the last, at my lack of response to an email he sent earlier.

So I answer that we have only just got in.

He replies...."I got that one".

I kind of thought that, as her father, he MIGHT just be a tad concerned about her health...but no, That's not about HIM is it.

TWAT.

AND she had a tantrum so bad I got badly kicked on the legs, and hit and bitten.

It's time for wine.

It certainly is... Red or white?

would you like a large bowl of nibbles to go with that?

You can pretend that they're his testicles you crushing if you like...

you're of course

Smiles

(in that teary kind of way that only another abused woman "gets")

His loss. His problem. NOT his wine or nibbles. Twat.

Why should he be emailing you like that? I mean, is he that insecure??

Big Baby

Yes...he is

About two and a half years old.

and I'm doing inner child therapy???!!!???!!!

jeeez, chuck the inner child therapy and get a kebab habit.

Remember, you don't have to justify to him why you aren't parked on the PC the whole time, ready to answer as soon as he wants your attention. You have a life, and he isn't in it. I hope your little girl's tantrum wasn't because you were too busy answering her father's emails to give her attention - although I dare say she will grow out of that eventually, unlike him.

The tantrum was about who got to sit in the front seat of the car! Classic. Although all the wee problems are almost certainly linked to the stress she is dealing with. Not that he gives a shit. This problem is why she wanted to come home in the middle of the night last week.

He still hasn't asked how she is!!!!

I really can't get my head around quite how ill he is. And he really is. And getting worse.

He really doesn't understand why DS doesn't want to see him. It's very simple.....people avoid situations where they may get hurt. My boy is healthy enough to make that decision. H is far too sick to begin to use any kind of empathy to be able to come to that blindingly simple conclusion all by himself.

It is SO HARD not to start justifying yourself to them.

It drives him mad when I don't respond. Last week I had seven emails in one day begging me to explain what was wrong and how to put it right. I said that I was not qualified to help him and he must get a referral for professional help.

His emails go into a special folder now so I don't see them in my inbox.

OH MY GOD!!!!!!

He has just asked if he can come and do a barbeque in the garden for our lunch!!!!!!!!

I AM FUCKING SPEECHLESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If he's so bloody desperate to talk to you, and emailing you continuously out of some dire emergency, why doesn't he pick up the phone?

Me thinks a change of email address and an injunction if he doesn't start doing a better job of pretending to be an everyday human being.

Oh and a great friend of mine has twins and the Front Seat of the car is something they take turns over. IIRC, each child has a Me First day, so gets to choose. The following day the other child chooses. No arguments.

That was the problem....they had taken turns...DD was completely in the wrong, and refused point blank to move herself and her booster seat to the back....as agreed.

I would MUCH rather deal with this than the 49 year old screwed up bloke version.

He did pick up the phone in the end last thursday...I merely told him the same thing..I am not qualified to help someone with such serious problems, that probably come frome his abusive childhood. (he doesn't like the "A" word)

Nothing I can do. I ain't no shrink...I sing jingles.

Have you got a restraning order? If not, you might want to get one, you don't have to have any contact with this man if you don't want to, all access arrangements can be dealt with by someone else and if he persists in harassing you he can be arrested, charged and locked up.
Remember the golden rule of abusers and access: while the DC have a right to a relationship with their father unless he's an actual danger to them, your XP has no rights to any kind of relationship with you if you don't want any contact with him.

This morning he sent an email about taking DS to New York, as a way of rebuilding trust.

Weel done H! If I say no, ds will get pissed off with me, so I'm hurt, if I say no, I'm hurt, because it was something that I was supposed to be doing with h, one of our plans, as he always told me what a fab time he'd had there with former gf.

So I get hurt either way....which of course is exactly what he wanted.

I've said no. I feel sick with grief and that feeling of having had another psychic attack. He's laying it on thick this week.

Meant if I say "yes" I get hurt because that was always one of our joint plans.

Doesn't DS have little or nothing to do with your XH? If so, then you need say nothing, if XH has no direct contact.

Tell DH you are already going to take the family there yourself, so no need to bother.

He's just doing this to manipulate you all again isn't he? Grrrr!

Exactly, littlemiss.

The beauty of the freedom programme is that I can identify and name the behaviour....although this morning required a little chat with WA as well....again.

I have explained to DS. It took a long time, but he could see that holding our position on this is so very important, for so many reasons.

I sent a reply, which I probably should not have done, to the effect of, if he wanted to cause upset and conflict, then dangle ludicrous carrots (trips) to one of the dc's.

If he genuinely wanted to rebuild trust, go to the GP first thing tomorrow and get referred for therapy. (his notes are flagged as to the situation).

The freedon programme and WA are bloody fantastic.

You are blessed, that your DS has such a good head on his shoulders. He'll get over it, he'll see that the price of that trip would have been too high in the end.

I'm so glad that you have the WA and freedom programme to help you strengthen your resolve.

FWIW, the email may have been harsh or whatever, but the truth needed to come out, it had to be said. If he were to do the therapy, in time he'd see that your email is correct, and your advice to him is for him to do the right thing and help him help himself first.

He has been to the GP to ask to ask to be referred. He tells me he has started private counselling too.

Time will tell.

Ds feels good that he has had a positive impact on the bigger picture. Now that must be priceless in terms of his self esteem? And understanding the bigger picture and deffered gratifcaion?!?

I can spell really....honest!

Blimey! perhaps your tuff-love might have worked!

Funny enough sometimes it takes a bit of straight talking and cutting of BS to get through to people. As you say, time will tell.

Your DS, aw bless! Yes it will do his self esteem a world of good, and really good for him, man-training and all that. You have the makings of a wonderful young man there!