partner threatening to make life hell

[ellybelle]

Difficult partner always threatening to put me through the family courts to get his full entitlement of contact no matter how heartbreaking and disruptive it could be for two little ones under 4 yrs if we split up i.e contact.
He would disrupt and deliberatley make our lives hell by requesting every last thing and also being financially mean. He is in a strong financial position whereas iam not.
This could make life difficult for years. I feel it is important for kids to see father but when it means upsetting their status quo ..just to keep him happy and not them .Has anyone experienced over controlling behaviour.

Yup, he won't get very far being unreasonable. If he wants to waste his money trying it will be very expensive for him and will take years.

I might just add that he has no entitlement to contact. The children have rights to contact, he has responsibilites as a parent. Suggest you get him this book and present it to him next time he starts off on one...

www.fnf.org.uk/shop/index.php/fuseaction/shop.category/categoryid/21?sessionid=1274456614cf018922e60 93b923842ebacf3cc6e92

Hard to tell if he's being unreasonable, after all if you were in his shoes wouldn't you be willing to go through the courts to see as much of your kids as possible? I'd be more concerned if he wasn't wanting to see them if you split up. Generally kids who stay in contact with their dad do better than those who lose contact.

Thank you for your replies.It is difficult to use computer.He checks everything...
Yes contact is important. Just i know from experience that if he is offered reasonable contact every other weekend say he would not accept just that.He would want staying over night in middle of week too and i find that would be disruptive for the children middle of the week when they have nursery then school..it would be unsettling and unnecessary.
He likes to put me if front of a judge to cause stress .Vexatious litigant.
The extreme opposite of an absent father.His behaviour is very controlling and aggressive.These are the problems also that could eventually lead to a break up but then he would try to make my life even worse i feel.

what do you mean threatening to make life hell? It sounds fairly helish already.

elly, are you with him now?

you can't stay with him just because he's talking like this.... he may well mean it, but for now, he's using it as a means to control you and knows that as long as he's scaring you, you'll stay.

You don't HAVE to stay. The court thing won't be nice, at all.... but there are limits and things that if you can REASONABLY prove would disrupt the children, the courts would take it into account.

You need a very good family lawyer (who is used to going to court regarding contact) and a support system to help you break free from the control and aggression. Women's Aid can help there... if you chose to use them, of course.

The CAB (citizen's advice bureau) may be able to help you find a family lawyer... look into legal aid too.

Also, I am guessing you're in the UK(?) If so, the benefits system is there to fall back on in times of need; don't think you won't be able to feed the children if you chose to separate.... it will be difficult, no doubt, but not necessarily impossible.

Basically if he doesnt get what we wants with regards to contact, he will drag me through the courts and make life difficult for me.. if he doesnt get what we wants he will make life hell for me..

Can you see your way to emigrating? I'm so sorry for your situation, he sounds like a right bugger.

and 2rebecca that isn't always the case, where are you getting your 'generally' from if I may ask? This man is abusive from what OP is saying.

OP< womensaid might have some advice for you, they also can sort you out legal advice, counselling and most of all support - they will believe you and take you seriously.

They have a website which in the top RH corner of home page tells you how to make your computer history invisible. You can also ring them 24/7, sorry have not got number to hand.

Hmm iam considering the options.He has all the power it feels like as he is finacially in a stronger position.
I dont like the idea of breaking up a family and years of acrimony.
My kids mean so much to me ...He will pay for best lawyer etc to bully me.
Thanks for your advice.Iam trying to give relationship ,situation best shot before we go our seperate ways..He would create a lot of lies and run me down in court to get what he wants..

womens aid - 0808 2000 247 (free, 24 hours and doesn't show on BT phone bills)

lies in court DO come out, elly...

please talk to WA - they have heard every trick in the book and know how to help

I promise you though - he's saying all this to scare you, mostly. That is his first and last aim right now.... call his bluff - there are systems in this country to make sure the court hearings are fair and you may be eligible for legal aid to help you (legal aid paid for me to have a barrister in court when I went through this - they don't just give you a student who doesn't know what they're doing )

Forget trying to make the relationship work, seek support for yourself on getting this knobber put in his place. He CANNOT have everything his own way, even if he does have more money than you. The fact that he considers himself entitled to bully and intimidate you means that your relationship is beyond salvage, he's an abuser, but WOmen's AId will be able to help you.
Call them today and best of luck.

Ok I'm going to go against other advice here. contact every other weekend is not, in my view, adequate when the children are so young and are used to seeing their dad everyday.

It is not at all unusual to have midweek contact to break up the week, so either he sees them say every Fri night - Sat night plus mid week contact or every other Fri night - sun night plus midweek.

If you can't agree I recommend you go to a mediator to sort it out before thinking of taking it to court.

mediation with an abusive partner is a complete waste of time and energy - they just use it to get their own way and maniulate the person mediating to help them

your life is presumably miserable now being controlled by him - it wont be easy but it is soo much better when you not under same roof. you will gradually get some semblance of life back....

agree that mediation does not work with controlling person - tho you could give it one shot.

if you trust him with the kids, he lives close etc then a mid week stay would not be unreasonable.

it is better to start off with regular set contact and stick to that.

you need to remain calm and cool and not rise to his baits...do talk thru with womens aid.

and it isnt worth sticking around in this kind of relationship for the children, believe me.
it is hard to stop them trying after yous eparate - but at least you can get somme distance...life will eb much better i cana ssure you

I agree with Pattertwig and the advice to go to WA.

Don't try to salvage a relationship that is based on bullying and fear. In the long run, as well as the short run, your children will suffer just as much as you will.

Right now your H is threatening you because he realises he stands to lose his family life as he knows it. He knows what you're afraid of and he's using your cowed state (cowed after your relationship with him has had its predictable result) to bully you. This is standard proceedure for someone like him.

Uncertainty in this situation causes fear in and of itself for you -- if you've spent a few years trying to keep a lid on things through placating behaviour and have believed that you are in any sort of control of your life or of him (a common belief when a woman is living with a bully) then the threat of things being taken out of your hands and placed in the hands of the courts is a terrifying one. The courts are there for you just as much as they are there for him, though. And they are there for your children.

When (not if) you tackle the questions of visitation and access, please have a lawyer at your side. My advice when dealing with a man like yours is to leave no question or detail to be sorted out later when he is on the doorstep shouting at you, threatening bailiffs, etc.

I have a custody and visitation agreement that is over 10 pages long, probably closer to 20. Every possible holiday, birthday, and weekend scenario, including arrangements for substituting days, is covered. Times for pick up and drop off are listed. Phone contact with the children and how it is to be accomplished is all described.

There is also an agreed-upon person who is to act as mediator in case of disputes. There is a second tier mediator in case the first person's involvement proves insufficient (and to prevent exH from blowing his top and hauling me in front of a judge every time he feels miffed, to also prevent him from threatening me as a means of getting his own way in case of disputes -- my exH is a lawyer so this avenue would be no trouble for him, but trouble by the bucket load for me) In order to leave a controlling man with no way to control you, it's really important to leave no detail to chance in your agreement. Imagine every single scenario that might arise. Use a calendar when you're plotting your course.

Thank you so much for all your advice

To mathanxiety... gosh thats a lot to go through.But i can understand why.How many years does this have to go on for..? How do you hold your emotions i feel it will possibly be very painful on contact days .As communication with him and handovers will take place.
Thankyou for your advice btw.
Does anybody know what reasonable contact would be granted children are 6 months and 3.5 years old. So i could offer it to him rather than go through solicitors, which is what he would want to do just to cause me stress.

The thing is, one person's idea of reasonable contact isn't, well, reasonable. Would you be happy with not seeing your children 2 weeks at a time? And for under 4's, 2 weeks is an enormous length of time to go without seeing a parent.

I've only ever heard the 'instability' argument used when discussing contact with an absent parent. My neices have gone to stay with GP's this week, and stay with them at least once during the week, nobody worries that this is 'unstable'.

Perhaps a good start would be (to get away from him as you clearly aren't happy) to recognise that he is an equal parent and try mediation to discuss a compromise. At 6 months Cafcass guidelines are little and often, say every other day.

What mumblechum said is right

courts often do promote a weekday overnight to keep contact constant. It don't disrupt nursery etc. Kids do adapt, better than adults usually

you will need better reasons to obstruct contact midweek

I was going to write exactly what Tanga and ILT did.

I don't know the situation first hand, but is this the only topic you find him "bullying" you about. Because I would imagine he is scared that he is going to be demoted to an Every Other Weekend Dad and I know full well that if my Husband decided we were to split and there was the prospect I would see my kids once every fortnight, I would fight him something chronic to get as much contact with my children as possible.

Every other week is such a long time to go without seeing a parent for such young children. The courts normally work towards Every other weekend and a day/overnight in the week, every week. If your partner lives close enough to get them to and from nursery/school then it will not be unsettling to them. In fact, their parents splitting altogether is very unsettling but people don't always stay together for the kids.

It will be new to them at first, but if the weekly and every other week contact is consistent, they will get used to it.

Thankyou i just want to know what is reasonable i do not want to give him any other opportunity/reason to create upset and behave in a controlling way .He already regularly witholds money from me. And is verbally abusive. Situations happen every week and are soul destroying.I either spend years of put downs and control or get out either way it feels like it is going to be very difficult and he will make sure he makes my life hell.

Going through the legal systemcould be good in your case. They will be well used to bullies. You would have someone on your side who knows the system.

I have the opposite in that my stbexh just really wants to walk away and be in cosy coupledom with his girlfriend who has no kids and never wants to know his/our children - not that they want to know her, except for the youngest.

However, he's happy to have them at the weekends for now, though not it's not always the three and it's usually just the youngest (the eldest are teenagers).

I've known a person who was threatened with the courts by her ex and his partner with a suggestion that she was an unfit mother. He did this, despite earning loads, in order to save in the long term having to pay for child support. He didn't get far with this I'm glad to say

My solicitor told me that a person can go to court to get access to see the children but the law cannot compel a person to see their children.

Seeing your child/ren every weekend is reasonable with a week stay if they are close by ideal.

Sorry that should read,

with one night during the week stay

Elly, you can usually get a free 30 minute session with a family lawyer to get an idea of where you stand. Given that your partner is threatening everything under the sun, I think talking to a solicitor would be a very good idea.

We're not nearly as easily intimidated as non-lawyers, because we've seen all the bluster and the bluff a million times and we know what courts do and don't take into account.

You'll feel better, I promise, if you can manage to get to talk to someone.

Sounds like my ex. The Courts put my son first and although my ex got more contact than I would have liked it worked well in the end. Get some support, I can't see that this relationship will ever change and you don't need to live like this.