need to rekindle the passion - tips? good hotels?

[noactionjackson]

DH working silly hours, low sex drive I think is down to tiredness and not enough sleep.

lack of sex, and lack of good sex at MY pace not his, is really getting me down. am actually considering an affair but really want to put work into our rel'ship. Think that lack of sex is making me resent him when we do have sex but I'm expecting to be left unsatisfied.

Also getting irritated that he is obssessed with how wonderful our DC is, as soon as he gets home that's all he asks/talks about and then only the odd vague question about me/my day.

So top tips? BEst books? I would like to take him off to a hotel and not leave for 24 hours. Any good places you know in London or not far from?

i'm absolutely terrified that the lack of balance sexually will lead to divorce. Shitting myself about this.

Get out of London. Brighton is always good for a dirty weekend!

thanks will consider. Anyone else? I'm desperate!

www.mirror.co.uk/celebs/news/2010/05/21/ronan-keating-admits-to-fling-and-wife-yvonne-tells-him-it-s -over-115875-22273388/

Looks nice and not too expensive. I like the laid back vibe of Brighton plus you always feel like you are up to something naughty!!

HA!!! I posted something completely different, hang on. Thats NOT what you want to read!!

argh no, ronan, not you too!

www.newsteinehotel.com/

I thought that this looked nice, I cant think of anywhere in London except I did stay here once and it was a really romantic suite, nice bar as well.

www.millenniumhotels.co.uk/millenniummayfair/index.html?&cid=nb22570&s_kwcid=TC|6313|millenium%20hot el%20mayfair||S|e|4905445243

I know, bloody Ronan, Im really upset!! I hope it wasnt in that Millenium Hotel!!

The Montague on the gardens is nice, just around the corner from the British museum.
We had a lovely Bloomsbury room, all black and white with fur over the bed.

You need to explain to him that you need more time and attention - if sex is few and far between, he'll be getting his rocks off far too quickly and you'll be left wanting.
A quickie now and again is OK, but not all the time, most women need a good 20 minutes warm up time to fully enjoy sex, I know I do.
It must be equally frustrating for him if he's not lasting very long too?

On his days off, can you not have a quickie in the morning and then a longer session later in the day, he's guaranteed to last longer the second time.

A one off weekend of sex isn't going to solve your long term problem though, is it?

Try the Mr & Mrs Smith hotels - all picked for exactly what you have in mind!!

Really expensive though. Still, its in a good cause...

mal, that's why I'm asking for advice/tips.

this is a big problem for me. I am starting to look elsewhere... not acting on it but definitely tempted.

Am considering asking him if we can be in an open relationship because I can't see a real end to this problem, I've raised it so many times but he only rarely makes an effort to give me the time I need...

taking dd for a walk now but hope there are more posts when I get back.

anyone?

How many proper conversations have you had about this - I mean ones with open, direct and honest communication, where the quality of the listening is as good as the discourse? Sorry if this sounds obvious and if you have tried, but you've said that you've "raised this" so many times. That didn't sound as though you were referring to good quality interactions with your partner.

Sex that leaves you dissatisfied most of the time is obviously a problem that needs tackling, but there are a few warning bells for me in terms of your own behaviour here. You sound a little narcissistic, tbh. Feeling jealous of the attention your DC gets and thinking punitively, that having an affair might be an option. If you love your H and love your family, having an affair would be a disastrous option. As Mal suggests, a hotel weekend doesn't sound as though it's going to do the trick here, whereas some better honesty might.

As a general rule, if a couple are having "groundhog day" conversations about the same grievances over and over again, a third party like a counsellor can often stop this "script" or "dance" that happens in relationships.

the Soho Hotel?

I'm not considering an affair just because of jealousy, it's because I can't see how to change the status quo. I dressed nicely for dh a couple of weeks ago, it was a sunday aft, dc asleep, and still it was only a 15 min shag on the sofa before he went back to sport. I've tried to tell him I need more time, that he needs to slow down,would he like to try viagra for fun, shall we have a sexy shower, etc.

but he rarely pays attention to my entire body and just wants to do the things he likes in bed.

WE've been together several years now so I really want to get us out of this rut. I would have thought that he might have some desire to please the woman who desires him (and I do) but his awareness of my needs only surfaces occasionally.

I guess I sound narcissistic because it's all going round in my head, I'm just frustrated and fed up.

we are meeting for a drink tonight, maybe I will try to talk again and maybe suggest a counsellor.

At this point in our marriage I am really struggling to see how anyone avoids having an affair at some point. it would not shock me if he had one tbh. I think we are both a bit "alone", him at work, me at home. Hard to re-connect..

Take it from me, an affair is not unavoidable at all, neither me or my DH have slept with anyone else in our 28 years together.
Very few relationships are totally evenly matched all the time, sexually speaking - in a long marriage there are peaks and troughs, libidos falter, sex can even stop for a time without detriment to the relationship, it happens all the time due to pregnancy, illness, even shift work or working away affects things.

It's sounds like you are trying to talk yourself into cheating on him tbh. Cheating is never the answer.

How long have you been together and how long have you had this issue over sex?
Does he know that you feel this to be a major problem - have you actually made it crystal clear to him?

Hmm, my DH would be thrilled if I asked him to try Viagra, a prescription only medication that has nasty side effects, for fun.

You mention a 15 minute shag, if that was purely penetrative sex, that's actually not bad going for most men, it would be easy to prolong things with some other activities, but, if he's a selfish lover, you've got to tell him straight that you need more stimulation.
What about introducing a sex toy or two - a cock ring should help him last longer or some delay spray?
Is it the whole experience you are missing, or just an orgasm?

If it turns out he is very selfish and isn't interested in pleasing you, then you have a decision to .

mal thanks for replies.

sorry if viagra sounds idiotic, a friend tried it and said it was quite good fun actually

have just started exploring lovehoney site but only for me! he was quite pleased with my purchases tho at least ...

I guess I'm missing a fuller experience that would let me have an orgasm.

I feel as if I had made it quite clear, we even have running gags about dusting off his mojo etc so we are aware that it's an issue, but we just can't seem to get over it.

I am so bloody jealous of all these MNers who seem to be having a great time in bed!

I do understand how frustrating it is - my DH has a recurring health problem and until it's sorted, sex is down to once a week or so, and it not the intense experience that we've become accustomed to, merely functional no-frills sex because he's so limited in what he can do, plus I have to be careful with him - he's on pain meds that zombify him and some days I'm climbing the walls for some action but you find a way to cope, which in my case means going through a lot of batteries atm!
Never in a million years would I consider cheating on him though, even if things were permanently this way.

At least I know DH would like to have more sex though and when he's better, things will be back to normal and I suppose that's the issue.

Can you make a deal with him, that once a week or whatever, you get sex the way you want it, i.e to take your time and savour it? Surely he would get more pleasure from a longer session too?

You could always try some horny goat weed on him!

Do you use your new toys by yourself? An orgasm a day might take the edge of your needs, it's my way of coping anyway.

Sounds like youve made it quite clear yet he continues to be selfish. At this stage id cancel any thoughts of hotels ect and look at why your willing to have sex with someone who isnt willing to meet your needs.

Sounds like he gets his needs met , gets to do the things he likes to do in bed , while your needs go ignored.

I had an ex like this, and i eventually stopped having sex with him, and i made sure i told him why too. It was horrible as ideally i wanted a satisfying sex life, wanted to be close ect but he seemingly thought that i should have no pleasure during sex and it was obviously all about him.

Imagine the conversation ,
Him " Do you fancy a quick shag ?"
Me " No "
Him " Why not "
Me " Umm i havent got off in over 3 years "
Him " Yes but i get off "
Me