How do I talk to my mum about her drinking

[Feelingsensitive]

My DM has had a hard time of late. Mostly financial and marriage problems. She has a history of drinking too much : normally very drunk on a saturday evening so I never call her then but generally doesnt drink in the week. I called her tonight at about 7.30 and she was drunk. I could tell by her slurring. I didnt say anything as whats the point whilst she is drunk. She just carried on as though she wasnt drunk. I am concerned for her health. Any ideas on how I approach this? My step dad drinks alot (bottles of vodka every weekend). I am not overly concerned. She holds down a job and as I say I am pretty sure she doesnt drink in the week so tonight was unusual.

Whoa, your step-dad drinks far beyond the bounds of normal! Is this in any way connected to the stresses that are (temporarily, one hopes) prompting your mum to get pissed on a school night?

Shes been drinking too much for years but its normally just weekends. Not that that makes it any better. What difference does it make if its today or saturday. Just dont know how to broach it. Step dad is definate alcohol dependent. Even mum sees that. Sounds awful but I am not concerned with him. Complicated.

Do you think that perhaps they are drinking buddies? If he can't sort himself out it's unlikely that your mum will whilst in that environment.

Could you broach the subject by saying that you are concerned about her? She may well get defensive to begin with but then give it some thought later.

Karmann's right. She might be wanting somebody, on some level, to pick her up on it.

We live in a drunk-drinking society, for better or worse. If your mum gets shedded every weekend and doesn't end up in tears or a skip, then it's probably just one of those things. Adding on the weekdays, though, is a worry and I feel you're right to be concerned.

I think it's definitely worthwhile raising it with your mum as she may be hoping that someone reaches out to her. The drinking may be symptomatic of a deeper issue. It is going to be difficult though if SD is a very heavy drinker...

Sorry, meant to say that I fully sympathise with your situation. My mum is and has been for gods knows how many years a hardened alcholic. Hsve tried confronting her about it but she just gets all defensive. They do say there is nothing you can do until the person themselves acknowledges that they have a problem.

What Ezma said. My dad was an alcoholic. The only time I confronted him was when ds1 was born and I didn't want him around a new baby while he was drunk.
He agreed not to drink while he was with us (and he didn't) but he did eventually drink himself to death
Unless your DM wants to stop, she won't. It sounds like her and your stepdad are enabling each other.
It wouldn't hurt just to say you are worried about her drinking and want to help, but really if she doesn't want to she won't stop.
Try going to Alanon if it is really affecting you, they are great and really supportive.

Thanks all.Soory to hear about your dad ginny. And your mum ezma.

I thought about calling her earlier but expected her to be drunk so decided against it. This situation has been going on for years. I used to confront her and it always ended with her getting angry and defensive. She then reduced the amount she drank for a couple of years. My sister has been saying for a long time that she doesnt like mums drinking but I have tended to take the 'let them get on with it ' attitude. It just felt wrong last night, not only because it was a weekday but also that it was only 7.30 and she carried on talking as though she wasnt drunK. It was the elephant in the room. I didnt mention it and she didnt mention it. I put the phone down and just realised how wrong the whole situation is. Just not sure where to go from here.

FS,

Am unfortunately not all that surprised this has been going on for years but you need to detach now or this situation will destroy you as well.

Sounds like as well their drinking binges have got closer together so they are now seeing life fully through the bottom of a bottle.

It's tough, but that's why they call it tough love or "detaching with love". That means no shouting or judgments about how much she's drinking - but no making excuses either. You can't curb her excessive drinking. She's the only person who can do that, and once she realises you're not going to engage (and furious rows are engagement), she may realise he needs help.

There are no guarantees here with regards to alcoholism; she may still keep drinking regardless. Her current man your stepfather is also an alcoholic and is enabling her; infact they are using each other in this particular way.

The best source of advice about how to deal with alcohol dependency in a loved one is to talk to Al-anon. You really cannot help her but you can help your own self here by talking to them and reading their literature.

You need to remember the 3cs-

You did NOT cause this
You CANNOT control this
You CANNOT cure this

Thanks Attila. I am going to contact Al-non. I don't feel in any way to blame for this which is good. I do see it as something seperate. Just angry that she does it. They have got themselves in a dire financial situation.Lost their house, live hand to mouth, etc. I feel more angry about that as all I see is me giving her hand outs. Thats wa whole different story though.