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Original poster

Affairs that evolve into a new life with a new person, just thinking.

24 replies

piratecat · 20/05/2010 19:51

my parents had what you would think was a good relationship. Then my mum 'met' someone, out of the blue, and there began an affair, which i am happy to say resulted happily for her and they have been married 25 yrs. But it happend about 10 yrs onto their relationship and after 2 kids.
my mum says she didn't even realise she wasn't happy till she met her now dh.

I was just wondering about all this, how hard it must be to be going down one road, married and happy, then your life takes a major B road!! Were you looking for 'more' subconciously. Would your marriage have made you happy, and would you have remained happy had you not encountered that other person.
All this monogamy, it seems to me that fate does play such a hand, and if you get married and stay that way you are quite blessed.
my ex left me, not sure if for another person. Yet I know of seemingly happy people whose lives get totaly changed by one or the other having an affair,and leaving.

Just musing really. Like how could it have been so 'right' if one person leaves.

OP posts:
bobbiewickham · 20/05/2010 19:56

This is what I think.

Life is messy.
Every individual is different.
Every relationship is different.
Every affair is different.

I just can't judge on relationships. They are just so complex.

And I have to say, your attitude to your mum is great

whoareu · 20/05/2010 19:58

I would like to know if there is a definitive special person for you to spend the rest of our life with and if so how do you know. I'm a bit cynical having been divorced and now in another r-ship which has had major ups and downs.

What are the chances you meet your supposed "soulmate" through your work/hobby/friends of friends etc....

Original poster
piratecat · 20/05/2010 20:00

thanks bobbie! it wasn't back then i can tell you, i was 13, and it shattered my life.

i am older and wiser and just, i duno more laid back now.

things happen don't they.

OP posts:
LaDiDaDi · 20/05/2010 20:00

I think "soulmates" are bollocks tbh. Marriage as an expression of great romantic and life-long love is relatively modern concept and and I'm not really sure it's one that a lot of people are suited too.

bobbiewickham · 20/05/2010 20:02

Oh, that's sad, piratecat

Your attitude is cool now though.

Things do, indeed, happen.

Original poster
piratecat · 20/05/2010 20:02

i Bobbie has summed it up.

NOTHING is set in stone. everyone is different. We have a book of rules don't we, in society, but seems to me it's hard to stick too!

OP posts:
OrmRenewed · 20/05/2010 20:03

I think the 'blessing' such as it is comes in meeting a decent person in the first place and being a tolerant and patient human being yourself. But there is always a risk that the ordinary everyday nature of normal life saps the excitment out of any relationship. And someone comes along who offers that and BANG, lo and behold....another soulmate. Who'd have guessed ?

I think 'soulmates' or Mr Right are an invention of the part of our brain that makes us beleive in fairy tales.

bobbiewickham · 20/05/2010 20:03

Oh rules, schmules.

Who wrote em?

Try not to hurt anyone, be true to yourself.

All you can do.

Original poster
piratecat · 20/05/2010 20:04

is it quite a modern concept then? interesting.

OP posts:
Wordweaver · 20/05/2010 20:16

I don't think that the argument that it's purely a modern (as in the last 100 or so years) concept stands up.

Look at Shakespeare's plays, for example. Whatever the REALITIES of marriage back then, there was obviously the dream, the ideal concept, that there can be one person so perfect for you that all else melts in the face of it.

bobbiewickham · 20/05/2010 20:17

Yep, Wordweaver.

(and can I just say, I love your name)

OrmRenewed · 20/05/2010 20:20

Yes but they accepted that whilst the initial period was romantic and lusty, the long years afterwards were about child-rearing and prosperity, not passion. Marriage always was an economic arrangement. The rest was just window dressing.

Wordweaver · 20/05/2010 20:21

Aw, thanks Bobbie, love yours too. So have you managed to get into a few similar scrapes to your Wodehouse counterpart?

bowbluebell · 20/05/2010 20:22

I went to a wedding, a couple of months before my own should have happened. Met a man who I've adored ever since and luckily he adored me too.

Like your mum Piratecat, I didn't know how unhappy I was and that I was just 'making do'.

Life is messy and it's best lived lightly.

Wordweaver · 20/05/2010 20:26

I'm just saying that the concept of 'one true love' has been around for quite a while, and probably there have always been some who bought into it and some who didn't.

bobbiewickham · 20/05/2010 20:29

Oh, a few, Wordweaver...

"Life is messy and it's best lived lightly".

I might stick that on my fridge, Bowbluebell.

sophiebbb · 20/05/2010 20:39

I don't believe in one soulmate. If that were the case then we would never find them!!! I believe that there are a lot of potential relationships out there for you. And they will all be different. If not, then you would never find anyone to be happy with amongst your relatively small world contacts. You simply have to choose one of those relationships and live it out. And there could be many other different relationships out there for you. Some happier than others.

sophiebbb · 20/05/2010 20:42

But the really difficult thing is this. If you are in a relationship for say, 10 years, and it has naturally gone a bit stale, and then you meet someone else and go WOW!!! How do you ever know if that is because the relationship with the new person is going to be better or that you are simply comparing a good 10 year stable and secure relationship with the passion of the first few months.

sophiebbb · 20/05/2010 20:43

I think that is why a lot of people leave their partners for affairs and some are lucky and forge a good and better new relationship that is over and above the original. And some are less lucky and end up with something worse

bobbiewickham · 20/05/2010 20:45

Risk you take.

But is living without risk living at all?

sophiebbb · 20/05/2010 20:50

Well I totally agree with you bobbiewickham and I am one to take risks. However when there are other people involved like children, then maybe the risk is not worth taking. I don't mind taking a risk for a potential gain for myself and then living with the conequences. But what about taking a risk for the potential gain you yourself and then it not working out, and messing up your kids in the process

bobbiewickham · 20/05/2010 20:53

Absolutely.

All risks have to be weighed up carefully.

But to avoid them altogether might lead to massive explosion of impetuousness in the future due to an unfulfilled life.

If that makes any sense at all.

sophiebbb · 20/05/2010 20:54

yep it does. My mum stuck around for us. Don't think she should have TBH

bobbiewickham · 20/05/2010 20:59

Interesting.

I think most people are doing their best, to be honest. Even if it doesn't seem that way in hindsight.

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