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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just a question...

14 replies

wahwahwah · 19/05/2010 12:59

I have my hard hat to hand...

If you know that a friends husband/partner was having an affair (esp if there are children involved here - not with the other woman though) who do you feel more angry with? Him or the other woman?

I have just realised that I get more angry with the other woman (if she knows about the kids). Not sure why - maybe I think women have the moral higher ground? Hmmmmm.

I was daydreaming about who I would (want to)smack first: the husband of my friend (who started seeing another woman when she was pregnant, then refused to stop seeing the other woman), or the other woman who was aware from the start that he had a wife, 2 kids and one on the way. Aparently they 'are not in love'. So that's ok then.

OP posts:

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 19/05/2010 13:01

The husband, absolutely. This shouldn't even be a question, honestly. It's his vows and his children and his marriage.

Original poster

wahwahwah · 19/05/2010 13:05

I guess I was brought up that girls are better than boys (mostly females in our family!) and that they should stick together. My mum adored my dad but she did have a lower opinion of men than women!

OP posts:

thatsnotmyfruitshoot · 19/05/2010 13:20

Difficult one. Having been there, I was livid with both parties, but in completely different ways. I understand what you mean about the sisterhood element, but unfortunately it means nothing in the real world. Sad really.

CelticBanshee · 19/05/2010 13:32

100% of the responsibility lies with the married party to keep their dick in their trousers.

The OW can go around screwing elephants and it won't make a difference to you, her morals are fuck all to do with a marriage break-up

Original poster

wahwahwah · 19/05/2010 13:37

Oh, you've met her then?

OP posts:

toastandmarmiterocks · 19/05/2010 13:41

Definitely more angry with him for ignoring his wedding vows and treating the woman he promised to love for better for worse like shit. However I have absolutely no respect and utter sadness, pity and a general feeling of being let down by women who sleep with married men.

AMumInScotland · 19/05/2010 13:45

It's the man's responsibility - his marriage, his wife, his vows.

The OW is quite likely stupid and deluded and is definitely also in the wrong (unless he has utterly convinced her the marriage is over), but less so.

There could be hundreds of women out there willing to ignore his vows - so it's up to him to keep them.

thatsnotmyfruitshoot · 19/05/2010 13:46

In my case, OW was married with dc's. I think it's ok for me to have a strong opinion on her morals, even though XH clearly bore the brunt of my anger. Have never had any contact with OW but the urge to slap her hasn't diminished!!

xkaylax · 19/05/2010 13:48

I would be angry at him he is the married with children one however the woman if she knows hes married with children is also completely wrong as she just shouldn't have gone there could easily happen to her in a few years karma

xkaylax · 19/05/2010 13:48

ChickensNeedOpposableThumb · 19/05/2010 13:48

Agree with toast. As a mother of sons, I don't buy in to that 'women are better than met' shit. Both sexes can be utterly vile, IME.

ChickensNeedOpposableThumb · 19/05/2010 13:49

men, not met

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 19/05/2010 18:16

It's an erroneous assumption that all OW are needy, low self-esteem types who will only entertain affairs if they've been convinced that the man's marriage is over.

There are in fact lots of OW who get more of a boost from sleeping with a man who is in a happy marriage. And there are also OW who are engaging in what is called the "guilt free" affair in that they don't want the H to leave his wife and kids and would run for the hills if he threatened to...

Both parties are to blame in this situation. We all have a responsibility to behave decently to other human beings and I never have bought this belief that since the OW made no vows, she owes you nothing. Women can behave just as badly as men too. As for him, it's pretty obvious that he is behaving utterly horrendously and nowadays, I could not stand back and watch anyone being deceived like this.

Not sure of you are asking what you should do about this situation though?

menopausemad · 19/05/2010 20:18

I think the OW is morally reprehensible. I do think that any woman who would (potentially) harm children is at fault...but it is the husband who owes his wife loyalty. I do not buy into this sisterhood type of view. I am firmly on the side of the kids. For that reason alone she is worth shunning (or indeed smacking!).

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