Help me stop treating DH like a child

[fruitstick]

or rather, help me force DH to stop behaving like a child.

I do love him and most of the time we are very happy. The problem is he just behaves like such a bloody child most of the time.

I feel I'm to blame for this as I've allowed it continue (we've been together 15 years) but now that I have 2 DCs I would like him to take care of himself.

He has such major tantrums they are embarrassing, nothing is ever his fault and he leaves everything to me as he knows I won't let things go undone/makes me feel guilty for not helping him.

This week he has had a very busy week at work and has been very stressed about a big presentation he is doing at a conference tomorrow. Cue bad temper all week. I've cooked dinner, sorted kids out, done his washing, ironed his shirts, picked up his dry cleaning while he's been working but I've got nothing but monosyllabic answers and whines.

Things came to a head this morning when he was due to leave for his conference and couldn't find his car keys. Much drama, shouting, rummaging through house during which time he constantly blamed me for moving them from where he knew he'd left them.

We were on our way to school but had to stop and help him look. After 10 minutes of him storming about the house, I found them in his suit trouser pocket in the wardrobe.

Not an apology, nothing.

Last week he bumped another car as he was reversing out of our drive and he blamed me for parking badly.

If he gets a parking ticket he leaves it for me to pay as he knows I won't let it go unpaid (we had bailiffs once because he'd ignored one).

I sort out all the banking, bills, kids the lot.

I don't want to leave him - I do love him, but how on earth do I make him grow up and take responsibility for himself and actually just not take his tantrummy frustrations out on me.

The worst of it is I hear myself talking to him like I talk to my 4 year old. If I had a naughty step he'd probably spend more time on it than DS!

Thank you for all your replies, I feel I have made progress.

Yesterday DH lost his sunglasses. Asked me where they were I said I didn't know. Didn't help him look. It did dawn on me that the more I look for things the more, in his head, it then becomes my responsibility that they are lost and my fault they are not found.

He then proceeded to empty the understairs cupboard (absolutely no idea why) and put it all back. Check all the cars, the kitchen drawers very noisily whilst I sat at the table and did Jigsaw with DS.

At one point he said it would 'ruin everyone's day if he didn't find them' but I said we were just fine.

He then insisted that we went to TK Max to buy him some new ones. I said fine, I waited in the car with sleeping DS.

Whilst I was in the car I moved my seat back to make myself more comfortable and low and behold! They they were.

So DH came back to car with new pair of sunglasses and I handed him his old pair.

He felt very sheepish.

I realise now that it is me that encourages him to behave the way he does and I really do need to stop it.

Well done fruitstick!

Love that you sat and did a jigsaw while DH banged around - bet there was a lot of harrumphing and muted swearing going on as well!

I see from my last post that it appears I have let myself down somewhat - I do mostly make DH look for his own stuff. If he has looked for several minutes and not found it, and it matters to me as well, then I will help. If it's just his stuff and not that important really then I'll just shout helpful suggestions and leave him to do the legwork.

< At one point he said it would 'ruin everyone's day if he didn't find them' but I said we were just fine. >

Loved this!

Well done, you. Wrt tantrums, I've found Lundy Bancroft's suggestion often works (not always, but often's good enough). Just quietly inform overgrown toddler where you can be found once he's finished his strop ... and go there

Good luck!