Overwhelmed by mother, how to break free ?

[lovingthesun]

Ive posted before about my mum & I think I've been moaning about her for the last almost 7 years.

I'm an only child - very much overloved until I got to my early teens, when I feel mum lost interest in me. She married the wrong man & always had a terrible relationship with my dad. As did I.

My mum has almost brainwashed me (with best intentions) & has always told me what a great mother she was.I've always believed her.
Of course when I had my DC's I've re-evaluated this & my conclusion is she wasn't that good actually. My father was pretty shit - in an absent & shoutey/thrown dinner & plates up the wall way.

I've previously seen counsellors/psycharists/psychologist who've confirmed a sort of dominant mother 'thing' & emotional deprivation/abandonment.

Anyway to cut to the chase, (D)M & I had a massive row almost 6 mths ago & apart from 1 angry voice message I left her, we've not spoken.

She thinks it's to do with her weight. Of course it's not, it's to do with her self inflated belief that's she's so great, that she did the best for me (yes have read the Toxic book as recommeneded) that everything that went wrong was MY FAULT. Some major things went wrong. Of course non of it was my fault (apart from being born to 2 ill matched people)

if you're still here, my problem is I am literally being eaten up with this & stuck in a situation which I can't get out of. I've written her a letter, explaining why I'm angry (haven't sent it but should do), and maybe I'll feel some relief at doing so, but other than that, I can't see a way out of it. It's on my mind ALL DAY, I can't switch off.

I do want to be friends, but I don't want al the fake nonsense. I think in fact she's quite a simple character (but verbally agressive & volatile) & also very weak - because she won't face up nor apolgise for the past mistakes.

I'm getting to the point where I'm going to bed as soon as DH comes home, because I;m so overwhelmed by everything.

Friends have said, don't have anything to do with her or could I just get on with her the way she is, but I can't. I feel that in order for me to move on, I have to have the whole thing out with her (I've tried many times before & the reply was yes I wish I done things differently, but she still believes she was right). I need to get it out so I can be free.

OP, you have my sympathies, really, but you are trying to achieve something that isn't possible - you can't make people admit 'the truth' if they don't believe it or don't want to believe it.

Many people can quite happily live in total delusion or with their heads in the sand if it makes life easier for them. Toxic parents are selfish, that is why they are toxic - they put their own needs before those of their children.

It is hard to come to terms with the fact that you cannot make people love you or be kind to you even if you are a lovely person - which I am sure you are.

If you can't face dealing with your mother on what you consider a 'false' basis then it is time to think about detaching yourself from her completely, otherwise you will drive yourself mad.

It is perfectly possible to be very happy without being in touch with your parents. Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

Hi lovingthesun,

Do post on the "Stately Homes" thread also.
Like many adults who have and continue to suffer at the hands of toxic parents you are trapped in the fog (fear, obligation, guilt).

Would you consider going back into counselling again?. Counsellors though are like shoes, you need to find someone who fits. She is affecting your family life to its detriment and your H must be wondering what he can do to help you.

You cannot get your Mother to own up to past wrongs; toxic people never apologise for their actions and are adept to place all their responsibility and issues onto others.
She is like this in all likelihood because her own parents treated her abusively when growing up. You did not cause her to act this way, she has not wanted to change or seek proper help for her own issues and she is not your responsibility ultimately.

You would not want to be friends with someone outside family who treated you like this so why should she be any different?.

Do you have siblings, if so what is the position there?.

It is also okay to cut all contact for good with your toxic mother if you want to do this.

thanks both.

I do feel a bit better for posting - but will also add this to the stately home thread.

No siblings, no cousins, very much an only.
Exactly the reason I decided to have 2 children!)

I spoke to a good friend today who also gave me some good advice, which was that I need to sort myself out, so that in the event that my mum never faces responsibilty, I am able to move on regardless.

I can't remember the last time I spoke to my mother. It was probably a row. I saw her once after that by chance and ignored her. That was about 17 years ago and the only contact we have had is letters from her saying she is entitled to contact with her grand children and she until I realise she did every thing for me I will be bitter.

I will never speak to her again.

I will have a big glass of Champagne when she dies.

I owe her nothing.

OP - forget she is your mother, do you want her in your life as a person, does she bring something positive to your life?

There's your answer imo.

I have very little contact with my parents.

They too take no responsibility for their actions and wanted a fake relationship - playing at happy families on Christmas Day but no support/love.

Since I pretty much cut contact 7 years ago I have been able to sort myself out with therapy. A couple of years ago a was able to completely and truly forgive them.

They are still not people who I particularly like or have much contact with (we live 100's of miles apart) they no longer affect me.

So I would recommend cutting contact, having therapy and then forgiving them if you want true freedom.

Oh dear me. I am also an only and also have big problems understanding my parents.

My mother sounds similar-ish to yours but I've not dared to explore with her or anyone else the stuff that upsets me. She can be veeery argumentative and controlling. I can't face arguing with her, it terrifies me. At other times nothing. She can be almost un-interested to the point of blanking me. Hurtfully so. But then followed by loads of help and attention.

I get extremes of blowing hot and cold. It's always a moving target (with them both actually). But I feel that they call the shots not me and it frustrates the hell out of me.

I too go through bouts of overthinking the whole thing and driving myself crazy; unable to switch off. To the extent that I feel quite ill with it at times.

I wish I could just switch off and get on with enjoying my lovely family but it's always there and because they live close I'm always edgy for the next thing.

Like you I consciously had a bigger family. I hope I do things differently. Having my own children seems to have brought it to a head with me for some reason.

I can't and don't want to cut contact. For me that isn't the way to go at all. I love my mother but boy oh boy does she (and my dad) upset me at times. Sometimes I feel I could explode with all that is unsaid. We are very big on unsaid stuff in my family. It astonishes and hurts me that they can be how they are and not notice or care how affected I am.

What on earth is the solution? Gosh I'm not being too helpful here but just adding some solidarity really.

Bendybob, yes same with me. Having my DC brought so many things home to me about what a ridiculous upbringing I have.

I read an interesting book, The Dance of Intimacy, which shows how you can start to assert yourself - and then of course you have the repercussions or fallout of them not liking what they hear.

That's another area where problems started, I started to disagree if I didn't like something & my mum took that very badly.

Although I never had a relationship with my dad, he doesn't bother me at all. Just rings occasionally, sees us if we're around & he's got nothing else on, that sort of thing. All fine as far as I'm concerned !

Fab I see where you are coming from with the champagne, my gran died last year (I belive she must have had toxic tendancies or my grandfather did) & so the battle is over with her. I'd had conversations with her & she just wanted to tell me how about her hard life. I feel my grandfather (no love lost there) got off lightly and I suspect he was the root cause..

cargirl My mum wants to come to us for 'happy family' xmas's. She never made any for me when I was past about 12...I am very resentful of her jumping on to my little setup. I am glad you have some peace though - what sort of therapy did you have & for how long ?

I had pyscotherapy (I suffered very very badly with depression dut to my childhood) - 2 years group therapy, then 1 year break and then 1 year individual. All on the NHS after antidepressants failed to help and I pretty much had breakdown.

thanks - I was refered to a clinical psychologist, but then my health insurance fund ran out & I left work. I was refered to the NHS scheme but never managed to complete the forms. That was a year ago...time to book a dr's appointment I think...

I could have almost written your post, loveingthesun, my mother was very overbearing until I was about 10/11 years old, then met someone and got married and was not interested in me at all, to this day.

I was royally screwed up with it all, had several months of counselling and while I am not miraculously cured, I do not feel stuck in it all (as you said, thinking about it all day, everyday) and I can see what further things I have to work on and the ishoos it has left me with.

Right now, I have never felt better

Btw, sounds like you mother is a narcissist, google daughters of narcissistic mothers, very interesting.

thanks - have googled & I think she fits some of the engulfing mother.

What is the secret of becoming unstuck ?

She is still trying to do it now -since I've had the DC. All my efforts at rejecting it are met with annoyance.

One of the things the psychiatrist said was that my mother needed everything to be ok with me (for her to be ok). So if wheever I had problems, the normal reponse was, oh you're all right. Or else it was just batted back.

I think I realised it was Not My Fault - there was something wrong with her, not something wrong with me. This was a big theme for me though, I was brought up being told I was 'mentally abnormal' and threats to be put in care, or go live with my uncle and so on. I was such a terrible child and my mother was a living saint for putting up with me and not giving me away etc. (I was honestly not a terrible child btw!)

And the more messed up I was as a teenager (anorexic, depressed) and an adult (heroin addict, anxiety disorder) the more I felt there was soemthing wrong with me.

Now I have Figured It Out, but it took some time of being almost obsessed with it. I think you get stuck when you can't get angry about it, and say, because you did X I am Y.

I know it sounds like blaming, and in a way it is, but I was blaming myself for everything and I needed to stop loading on the shame and guilt for things I couldn't possibly be responsible for.

I am not so angry at her now - I know she is not really able to help her NPD. She has had a miserable life, of her own making, and I feel sorry for her. But my (and your) life needn't be miserable.

Hope I have helped and haven't rambled on too much!

Someone posted this link on another thread a while back - it really resonated with me. There is so much insight here and so many 'OMG' moments. It really helped me.

www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/

Thanks - have had a look on there.

Am currently investigating some more therapy. I don't think my mum will admit to anything, so rather than depend on her 'doing the right thing', I need to be able to move on.