How does this work? Do I have to have a plan?

[HappySlapper]

I would like some advice if I may ladies

I have been with dh for 7 years, married for 5 - I have a 12 yr old dd from a previous relationship, and we have 5 yr old ds together.

I haven't been happy for quite some time. We have been arguing for a couple of years now, you know how it is, all the same old cyclical rows, nothing ever gets resolved. In simple terms, I don't love him any more. Not in the way that I should.

So last week he asked for a trial separation. In hindsight, I think it was to get a reaction, and when I agreed, I think he was shocked. He moved to his mums and has been there almost a week.

In my mind, this is no trial. I have never believed in that anyway, I think it's just prolonging the inevitable. After this last week spent with just me and the dc - I can never go back.

In the last week he has sent me constant text messages and calls me all the time - probably more than he has in the last 2 years... but I just don't want it. It's making me dread the phone ringing. I can't tell him though, because I feel guilty. He posts ridiculous passive aggressive stuff on FB, which makes my blood boil. Until this point, I have not engaged, not with any of it.

But what happens now? How do I tell him it's over? How do we get to a point where we can make arrangements about the dc? Do I just have to get my head out of my arse and sit him down? Because he will emotionally blackmail me like you wouldn't believe.... I'm going to have to, aren't I?

for a start....de register with facebook.

you might have to tell him its final via phone etc if he might get agressive ...this is what i did,left as a trial,but knew deep down it was the end. we even all went on a weekend break after being separated for a few months,just so i was 'sure'. i was,and never looked back. he was a different story tho...tkk him ages to come to terms with it,and it was hard going

he used the kids,a fake illness,suicide attempts....the lot,all to try to win me back. so you will need to be firm

good luck!

I could just delete him from my friends, I suppose...

Ugh. I am dreading how this is going to pan out. I don't think he would get aggressive. He is just very emotional, and he knows how to tug at my heartstrings. He can't seem to see that it's never going to work. We are so different, and I need it to be over.

I feel heartless, but it has sort of been over for me for some time, dykwim?

Delete him or at least "Hide" him on facebook, definitely. Or just don't log in for a while.

It is hard when they do the emotional thing But you have to be cruel to be kind. It's not fair on him to keep letting it drag out. Just keep remembering that in your head, cruel to be kind, cruel to be kind.

You have to be honest with him and try to keep any emotional stuff out of it. Tell him you are sorry he has been hurt, but it's for the best and you do not feel ready to discuss it at the moment. Just think of a phrase that says this and repeat it if he starts doing emotional blackmail stuff. Don't have "sorry" in the phrase though, you don't need to apologise over and over, once is enough.

Despite the fact that XH#2 was doing a massive show of rejecting me & our marriage, it was I who actually started the divorce. Just ring up the CAB to find out which court you should apply to, phone them for the forms and get started. That should move things on.

Oh and also, my XP was hugely emotional about our break up, kept crying and telling me "I never cry, see what you've made me do, you've made me cry and I NEVER cry." (Along with little anecdotes about how when he fell over as a child he didn't cry and his mum thought it was odd) - he withdrew for a week or two, didn't eat, didn't sleep, didn't drink, which I was surprised about because I thought he'd just get raging drunk, but then two days after he was sure I'd definitely seen this side to him, he was going out with someone new and suddenly it was all happy happy and perfect in his world. She lasted six weeks and then dumped him, he was texting me in the middle of the night saying "My life has gone upside down again" [sic] but then less than a week later he had started going out with another girl, 24 hours after they met it was "You're the one, I love you" (all over facebook ) - she was pregnant less than 6 weeks into the relationship. Quite glad I did get out of there to be honest....!

Oh good lord Bertie

He sent me a text 2 days after he went - saying something like.. 'I think we'll have to split for longer than I thought - nothing has changed...'

Now from that message, I deduce that he is expecting me to do something to 'win him back'

All I want is for him to realise that it's over without me having to actually say it

You have to tell him that it is over. It's not fair to keep him hanging on. It's kinder in the long run. I know it is hard

hiya. Are you totally sure that your marriage has no fututre and you no longer love him or might it be just the daily grind that is getting you down? Would you consider going to Relate for counselling with him? there's no point if you know that you know it's over but if there's a glimmer of hope it might be a plan. It would enable total honesty in a safe environment, would allow an open forum for you to tell him how you feel (sometimes bad habits/lack of initiative etc can lead to resentment if left unspoken) and you'd both know you've tried everything to make it work.

Just a thought - you might hate the idea but I thought it worth suggesting. Good luck x