It's me again (previous threads include discovery of porn addiction & frequent verbal aggression towards me). I have finally, after many false starts, told H to find somewhere else to live.
This is easier said than done - we're both students & are currently really struggling to even live here (Housing Benefit is only fully payable June - mid-Sept; the rest of the time I have to find £450 a month out of student loan / CTC / CB) to the point where I may not even be able to. There's an appeal going through at the moment about money they claim we owe them, etc - that's a different story, but is another issue which makes things difficult.
He has his last exam today. I don't have my last exam until next month. Hopefully, he'll get a placement year & earn a small salary, but his only interview for that is at the end of this month, so it's not guaranteed. If he gets the job, it'll be just about manageable. If not, I don't see how it will.
Today, after his exam, he's going to stay with his parents (3.5 hour drive). Which means that I'm looking after DS (13 months) on my own, whilst trying to revise for my exams and catch up with work that I'm behind on due to this ongoing drama.
I'm so angry with him. I don't know why he couldn't try harder and be nice to me. The porn addiction only came to light 2 months ago, but he's not been able to maintain any sort of effort for even this time. I told him that if he didn't complete his recovery exercises (like a 12 step thing) each day, unless otherwise pre-agreed, in order to prove his commitment that we'd be over. He didn't do it on Friday, then told me that it was me who wasn't trying, etc.
This time it feels easier from an emotional point of view. I am still devastated that my dreams of a straight-forward, simple family have gone out of the window, but I'm at the point where I'm so sick of being treated like crap that I can live with him not being here all the time.
But there are all sorts of practical issues - what if he can't afford somewhere to live? He can't just drop out of uni! & obviously being 3.5 hours away is not ideal in terms of contact time with DS.
He's currently living in the family home, but we're pretty much not talking to each other. After DS was in bed, it was just silent for hours between us. I occasionally feel like cuddling up to him & pretending like things are okay, but not as much as I have in the past, when things have gone back to normal very quickly & I've regretted it.
I don't even know what I'm asking. I just think I need someone to tell me that I can do this