Why, if it is so wrong, does it feel so right?

[PAmummy]

This is so very hard to put into words, and I can not believe I am doing this - I almost want to close my eyes whilst I type, so that I don't have to see...but here goes.
Earlier this year, I lost my husband to Cancer. He was ill for over a year, and it was 9 months before his death, that we were told he would not get better.
My world fell apart - The man I had planned to spend the rest of my life with was going to die.
It is true to say that before his illness, our marriage was rocky to say the least, and I think I secretly hoped that once he had recovered it would make our marriage stronger. As it happens, it did make our marriage stronger, but mainly because of the dedication and love I gave him, and respect we gained from each other - No matter how bad a relationship is, when you are dying you only have words of kindness.

It was also during the last 9 months of his life that I went through a 'pre-breavment'. Something I had not realised, until I re-read the diaries I had kept, and spoke at length with the palliative carers who helped us during my husbands last days.

I also have a 13 year old son, and whilst my husband was not his biological father, he helped to bring him from the age of 3. My son, therefore was very upset when his daddy died.

However, after my husband died, after the funeral, after not very long at all, I felt such a relief. Relief that he was no longer in pain, relief that I was no longer carer instead of wife, relief that I could finally let go of the Husband who I had felt I had lost many months before hand, I just didn't realise it.

But I since have become very close to someone.
Someone who I should not.
This person makes me feel so very special. So very loved, so very wanted, needed.
This person and I discuss the most wonderful things, future, babies, life together.
This would all seem perfectly ok if it were not for 3 very important facts.

1. My husband only died 2 few months ago
2. My special person is my husband brother
3. He is still married, although in a broken marriage.

I can't explain how I feel when I am with him - I have done so much soul searching, trying to think of all the reasons of why this is wrong, that this should not happen, that this should end. But I can't and neither can he.
This is not some kind of lust or need for affection that has been lacking for the past 5 years - My husband and I did not have an intimate relationship for such a long time.

I want to be with him, I love him, he loves me, but I can't help but worry about our families.
How I am going to break his parents heart, how I am going to be the horrid person I feel like I am.
My son knows about us, and suprisingly is very happy for us both. He said he had not seen me this happy for so long.
For me it does not feel as though my husband died 2 months ago - If feels so much longer.
I don't think our families are going to see it that way.
I don't think his wife will either.
So why, if it is wrong, does it feel so right?

grief is such a powerful emotion, and it's understandable that you want to be close to people who share your grief.

My grandfather when he lost my grandmother said that he wasn't going to make any decisions about much of anything until he had time to grieve.

Maybe it would be a good idea to walk away for awhile.

There are so many unanswered questions in your post. Are you saying that nothing happened - even an awareness of attraction to and from your BIL - until after your H died?

Has your SIL told you that her marriage is "broken"?

You are both in the depths of grief and I don't think any decisions or even actions should be undertaken at all at the moment. Whilst I have huge sympathy for you both, what you are nevertheless describing is an affair - and one that will have devastating consequences for so many people. Massive confusion and hurt for your son, terrible grief piled upon grief for your ILs and devastation for your SIL and any DCs she might have. Family relationships are likely to be wrecked forever, including any cousin relationships.

I wonder whether you or BIL have had any bereavement counselling yet? I suspect you need a safe space to process your emotions at the moment, but really, I would step back from this relationship immediately. The ripple effect will be horrendous.

I am so SO sorry for the loss that you and your son have suffered and I wish you all the peace that you can find.

However he is married. Albeit it broken but does his wife know its broken? This will have a huge effect on the family who, at the moment might not like it, but in time could grow to accept it. Please leave it alone for now and concentrate on your grieving and hope to cope with that before starting down this path.

Firstly, I am so sorry for your loss.

Secondly, there is no law that says you have to allow a set time for grieving before you potentially embark on a new relationship, but having said that the shorter the time the more likely people are to have their own thoughts/opinions on it. But ultimately it is your life, and for you to decide when you are ready to move on with it. In some ways I imagine your husband's illness has given you an opportunity to come to terms with his death before it actually happened, and this may in part have made the grieving process easier for you. It can't be easy waiting for someone to die, and I imagine the relief you felt after he died was also in part relief that you no longer had to wait for him to die, iyswim. Not that you were glad he was dead, but when you are waiting for something to happen, knowing it is going to happen, it is an immense strain going through life wondering if today will be the day or whether you will have some more time..

It is actually not uncommon for widows/widowers to fall in love with and go on to marry brothers/sisters/best friends of their deceased spouses, often because the friendship was there in the first place, and, being there to support each other, the friendship often develops into something more and a relationship develops. I know someone who is married to her deceased best friend's dh.

The issue here though is that the man you have fallen in love with is not yours to love. Whether his marriage is "broken" is irelevant, unless he chooses to leave the marriage, your relationship has no future, and nor should it have. You also need to question whether this man has become close to you due to the fact that you are the link with his brother, and whether, if he does not get support from his own partner, he is seeking support with you.

If it is right, then it will be, but it can never be right while he is not free to pursue it. If he wants to be with you, then he has to end his current relationship. Whatever his now partner might have done, she doesn't deserve to be cheated on, and she deserves to be given a chance to pursue her own life with someone who will love her.

You need to walk away from this relationship for now. You need to tell him that he is not free to be with you, but that you don't want him to end his marriage for you, that you want him to end his marriage because it cannot be fixed. If it can be fixed, then he owes it to his partner, and potential children to try. But let him know that if it cannot be fixed and he ends it, you can then talk about if there is a future in your relationship, but only once he is free to pursue one.

My ex boyfriend (let's call him G) died in Nov 2008. When he died we had only been split up for 3 weeks. It was an unspeakably awful time. I got very close to his best friend in the weeks that followed and we developed feelings for each other. Thankfully it only led to a couple of kisses for various reasons. Looking back I can see that we both needed each other as we had been the closest to G, and we both misread that feeling of closeness through grief for something else. To enter into a relationship would have been a bad idea.

I know my circumstances aren't that similar to yours, but I would also, like ilovemydogandMrBrown, urge caution. It may be that you are destined to have a wonderful future together, but I would give it a bit more time before making any decisions and maybe cool it for a while just in case?

I think it's perfectly understandable that you fell this way about your brother-in-law. He shares many of the qualities that drew you to your husband, you've been close for a very long time and you have shared the suffering and bereavement of someone central to both your lives. It's very, very natural and I'm happy that you have got each other at the moment.

I know what you mean about the pre-bereavement grieving. My sister-in-law, who was also my best friend, died after a long illness with cancer. The shock, which would 'normally' hit at or just before a loved one's death, gets you when you are given the final medical verdict. The ensuing period is a strange time, when you simultaeously consolidate your relationship and grieve its ending. My brother was ready to remarry 6 months after SIL died (they waited a year): most found this offensive, but not those who'd suffered the same kind of painful, early grieving process.

That said, your life has just been through another massive upheaval. You've had to deal with a series of unavoidable, momentous, life-changing events - so much so that his actual death may not be feeling that huge right now. You've been in various types of crisis mode for ages. This isn't normal. It's not always going to be like this. Ordinary life isn't this intense. You may have forgotten that simple fact.

The love you & BIL feel for each other is no doubt real, and it's rooted in circumstances very much like the things that pull couples together. Apart from the obvious pain the two of you are capable of inflicting on others, there's another, very powerful reason to hold back: love that arises during a shared crisis is strong & intense but it doesn't last.

Wartime romances; 9/11 couplings; aid worker marriages ... it happens all the time. It leaves a lot of debris. You are in a state of high alert and, yes, it's true that no-one understands you quite like he does. He's the only other person who has suffered your exact same crisis, alongside you. Life is not a crisis though. when you finally come down from high alert, what will be left? A relationship very like the one you had with his brother, no doubt, and like the one he has with his wife.

I hoped this has helped you get, at least, a slightly different angle of view on what's happening here. They say you shouldn't make any decisions at all for 6 months after a bereavement; it's wise advice. My experience is that the shockwaves - even if they started early, as yours did - take about 2 years to die down.

You need a great deal of self-care now. This might be a good idea to take up pampering, especially if you didn't previously. Explore spas, surrender to luscious treatments ... and maybe travel? Go on holiday with a girlfriend or sister, perhaps? Please do be very kind to your self.

To you all, I can not begin to thank you all. You have all spoken from the same hymn sheet, and whilst one never wants to hear the truth, the fact that all of you have said the same things is a hard truth to swallow.

BIL and I have known each other for 9 years. I / we have known how difficult our marriages have been - his wife told me of a fling she had had recently, for which BIL found out about. They have had seperate bedrooms for sometime, and bearly talk to each other. SIL has said that she just can't make the first move to end their marriage.
I am NOT breaking up a marriage.

He had planned to leave her, but with his brother's illness he found it harder to leave, and thought he should try harder to make the marriage work. This has failed.

We have always been close, always had the same interests, and had not thought of each other in that way.
Our 'relationship' over the past 4 weeks have been amazing. Yes kissing, hugging and making love has been amazing, and I really don't want it to stop. How do I walk away, and hurt a man I am in love with. How do I find the courage to ask him to wait and see if we are meant to be together.

In the diary I kept when my husband was ill, I spoke of all the anger I had towards him, doctors, life, cancer, friends, family. I wrote of the jelousy I feel at seeing so many couples together. I spoke of guilt I have at thinking about the future, of it being him and not me, of not trying hard enough when he was well, of not taking more time to anything and everything together.
I spoke of love we had, the love we had lost, the pride I took in caring for him.
I spoke of the loneliness I felt everyday, of the fear of being alone when he had gone, of being a single mother, of being forgotten. The last time I wrote in the diary was 3 weeks before he died. I started each line with "I miss you. I miss..." This went on for 5 pages. When he died, all of the emotions left with him.

I no longer feel hatred, anger, jelousy, lonliness, guilt. Just love and peacefullness.
Over the past 4 weeks, I have thought of nothing else but whether this is right, true wanted, neeeded and obtainable.

BIL is nothing like husband. Totally different. Husband was 17 years older than me. BIL is just 7 years older.
They are so totally different, that I wonder if that were also a reason we bonded?

How do I walk away from something I don't want to give up.

You're evidently close to your SIL. What does she say makes her unhappy in her marriage?

Be detached, now ...

Maybe you don't have to give him up

I am so sorry for your loss, but tbh, I would give the same advice for any situation where the relationship has difficulties for any number of reasons

Your BIL should end his marriage

He should live apart from his wife, and apart from you

You must wait at least a year before you have a romantic relationship

This will give you both time to see if what you have is real and sustainable, or whether, as has been alluded to on this thread, has been born out of grief and an intense connection formed by your shared experiences

That way, you will both be resolute in your commitment in the face of inevitable judgement by others about your relationship

That would be my advice, and I wish you all the best x

i'm afraid to say that i agree with the others.

he needs to be sure that his marriage is over.

you are the ow. don't you want to be more?

if so then you HAVE to give him time to think about what he wants.

you just can't jump into this knowing how hard it will be for others, including his wife without being sure that it's because of the awful time you're having and the place you're both in.

i'm so sorry for your loss. take things easy, otherwise i fear you may lose more.

Sorry for multi-post: Why do you need courage to ask him to wait?

I am a bit surprised you have told your son. That is one hell of a secret for a child to keep.

I think everyone else has pretty much said what i was thinking.

I know someone whose best friend died, she had two sons, in the months following her death she and the husband got closer and closer and eventually became a couple. For them it works, she has helped to bring up the children. I did not know him before, having meet them as a couple they are perfect for each other.

Sometimes you find love in the stranges of places, sometimes its not love but comfort. He will be familiar but different, in some ways a better version of your husband. I'm not saying it can't work, just that there are so many ways for it to go wrong.

As with anyone who is still married he needs to sort that out first, and you need to think about the burden of this secret that you have put onto your son. Once his marriage is sorted out, you both need to live in your own new lifes and be sure about who you are and what you want cause if this broke up it will cause a great deal of hurt.

Sounding a note of caution.

My husband died of cancer 2 and a half years ago after a year's illness.

We were happy together so it is not quite the same (all relationships are unique anyway) but I got close to one of his friends after he died. It was a time of raw and very heightened emotions on both sides.

I could not see it at the time, but I was in denial about my husband's death, I did not want to face it, and that was why I tried to bury myself in another relationship too quickly. It did not go anywhere and the aftermath was very painful.

This may not be true of you but you should still be really careful.

If yours is meant to be you can afford to go very slowly - and I agree with the posters who have said your BIL should end his marriage and live on his own for a bit. That doesn't mean you can't see each other but you are very fragile and you don't want the trauma of being caught up the end of his marriage and any confrontations with family/friends at this time.

I hope you can help each other and be together but it is worth taking care. I do wish you well.