Crisis Talks

[allovernow]

Dh and I have been married 10 years, together 14 and have 2 dc.

We have never had a passionate relationship per se; it was right at the start, but even since we have been married it has faded, and since dc, faded even more.

We probably havn't had sex for 6 months.

We are good friends and do love each other, but dh of course wants more, which I totally understand. I have become accustomed to the way things are.

Tonight we are having a crisis meeting to discuss what the hell we are going to do.

The problem is, I just cannot bear having sex with dh; I find myself gritting my teeth He is attractive, in good shape and is a great dad. But, I just don't fancy him.

The thought of us divorcing is just horrendous, so do I just grit my teeth and think of England, or be honest?

Is there anyone who has been through this?

If you really can't bear the thought of having sex with him then the solution is either: Separate or agree that he can seek sex (no strings sex) elsewhere. You can't just expect him to be celibate forever because you don't want sex, that's simply not fair.
But do have a hard thing about whether your issue is that you have a low libido and don't want sex at all, or that you don't want sex with him. If you quite like the idea of having sex with someone else, then you and your H need to negotiate as above: either separation or agreeing to an open relationship as co-parents (which will only work if both of you are willing to put the effort in to respect each other and the family and abide by agreed rules for other partners such as: no other partners staying overnight in the family home/no mutual friends as partners).

Mmm, interesting response.

I am totally of the opinion that it is not fair on dh; he deserves better.

Re sex. I think it is my libido that is a big problem; I just have no interest, mainly due to being so shattered all the time.

Next question: does your H do his fair share of housework/childcare or are you expected to do it all? If you're one doing all the chores while he does what he wants when not in the workplace, then there, basiclaly is the answer to why you don't want sex, sex has become another chore you're doing for his benefit.

I went through this with my exDH. I found him completely repulsive and couldn't stand the idea of having sex with him at all. This did not mean however, that I didn't want sex! I thought about sex all the time.

In my situation it was just of a symptom of the massive crack in our marriage. For you it doesn't seem to indicate this, does it?

You need to get your mojo back maybe. Do Relate do sex counselling? I'm sure they do. Might be worth looking into. I don't think this has to split your marriage - you speak about him with much affection. I'm sure you can get past this now you have acknowledged it and are going to discuss it tonight. Don't be too proud to look into getting some outside support.

I think Solid that you have partly hit the nail on the head.

Dh does help with the children, but no housework at all. I always feel like I am following him around clearing up after him like another child.

I expect this is the case for a lot of women though isn't it?

This I feel then makes me feel resentful.

If it's making you feel resentful then that is probably the reason your libido has vanished.

I also think that sex can be a bit of a habit and the longer you go without the less you feel like having it and the more unspoken pressure there is to have it which is a turn off etc.

Sometimes the cure is to grit your teeth for a while and change your mindset about it? A happier dh may result in him being more helpful around the house.

Perhaps this is something the crises talks can address?

Cargirl: NO NO FFS NO!!! You have that COMPLETELY the wrong way round.
The way to improve a marriage which is sufering this incredibly common problem is for the MAN TO CHANGE HIS BEHAVIOUR! Not for the woman to carry on indulging him and resenting him in the hope that he will start to treat her with respect and consideration.
Studies and statistics have proved time and time again that men who do their fair share of housework enjoy more and better sex with their partners, because the partners don't resent them and feel that their so-called loving husbands actually see them as domestic appliances with tits.

Totally agree with SGB.

Sorry didn't make it clear what I meant!

I don't mean hope he will change and in the meantime grit your teeth. I mean a mutual understanding of the issue and a mutual agreement that he will change and she will be open about it.

The grit your teeth bit is about if the whole idea of having sex is fraught and you'd rather not have sex then risk having sex and it all going horribly wrong.

It doesn't work though if the resentful party says "if you do x then I will want to have sex with you again" because if it's a bloke it will all become purpse driven with even more pressure IYSWIM.

I shouldn't post in the middle of feeding 4 dc and clearing up!

SGB speaks sense.

DH does all the cleaning, I do all the laundry and cooking. Barring illness etc we are VERY active in the bedroom, despite having 4 DCs including a 8mo baby. No wonder you don't feel like shagging him, it probably feels like yet another chore for you.

Whilst you are talking about this tonight why don't you suggest that you might feel more 'up for it' if you weren't so tired? Not in an accusatory way, just factual IYSWIM.

He's part of your workplace -- he's part of your work actually. No wonder you're about as attracted to him as you would be to the copier.

He needs to be told.

Also, how much time off just for you do you get every day? Every week?

not saying that sgb is wrong, indeed it makes sense if you think about it - hoeer that may be but one part of the overall picture.

i think you need to ask yourself - why you are willing to do without sex - sex is great, fun, lovely and wondeful - so why don't you buy into it - now this could be more than what sgb said, this could be past problems, something that needs a shrink referal - it could well be something hormonal or physical - something you could pop a pill for. - it could be both of the above in conjunction with him seeing you as nothing more than a hoover with tits.

there may be many factors, but i would deffo go to doctors have a chat and make sure its not physical.

I have had periods of not fancying DH and then starting to fancy him again, and came to the conclusion that it is about whether I respect him or myself, or feel connected to him, at that moment. If you spend lots of time in different worlds (eg, one working, one not) and the power balance of your lives feel out of kilter it is REALLY HARD to fancy somebody. You can almost certainly regain that feeling if you once fancied him, but he needs to understand fully that it is symptomatic of an imbalance in your lives and be committed to solving that. Focussing on the sex and trying to fix that by itself is pointless, lots of talking and restructuring of both of your behaviours is required. And he is probably going to be shocked by the way you are seeing him.

On the plus side, if he still loves and fancies you he should be willing to alter things tho.

It's not even a joke but a truism that for most women, their favourite type of foreplay is the bloke doing the hoovering!

Another one who agrees with SGB. I think that you need to explain to him that if he showed more willing with the housework, that you would have more energy for sex and would be able to think more sexy thoughts and less "Oh god I need to do the washing up/ hoover etc"

I think you need to be clear it's more than the housework - it's about agreeing that your life needs to have development and validation and privacy and fun, just like his does. If you are working during the day, then coming home to 'work' again, that is 24/7 and nobody can do anything but feel like an automaton in those circumstances.

I suggest you each write a list of everything you do in a normal week, including your 'down' time like computer gaming etc. Then swap roles. If he works and you don't, he takes a week's holiday and you go and do your own thing for the hours he is normally out. And he does all the chores you normally do - and you DON'T help, if he can't do it, he has to figure it out himself and vice versa. If he has 'guy' tasks, you can fix the shelves and change the car's oil. Then have a frank discussion about how each of you is feeling. I bet he will be feeling pretty disempowered, frustrated and ignored... and NOT sexy. And you might be feeling a bit aloof and bolshy possibly?

Maybe, if you don't currently work, during the swap your weeks' 'work' could be to attend some self-empowerment, negotiation and back to work training.

Thank you ladies.

Crisis talk complete.

It runs deeper than sex. Dh feels devoid of emotion We have just grown apart so much due to one reason or another.

He says he wants to work at it, which is a positive amidst all the crap.

I do work; only part time, but it still counts

I did raise the point about chores. He says he wil try and help more. I also said I was fed up of cooking the whole time, and said it would be great if he could come up with something at weekends.

So, we shall see where we go from here.

Thanks again.

You need to remind him, gently, that doing HIS SHARE of chores isn't 'helping' it's DOING HIS SHARE. The quickest way to work this out fairly is not a matter of exactly who washes the most teaspoons but dividing the work so that both of you have the same amount of chore-free time each week and not allowing him to think that because he earns money, he can do what he likes the rest of the time and still be entitled to sex.

Oh you beat me to it, SGB!

I find I have developed an absolute hatred of the word "helping" in the context of household chores, childcare etc.

Resentment is the biggest passion-killer known to women, whatever that resentment is about. Problem is though, unless it's addressed, like Custy says, you will suffer OP, because I presume you want to be having great sex with a partner who does his share?