do you know any healthy relationships/marriages?

[Mummiehunnie]

I was wondering if anyone can give me hope that healthy relationships exist!

I was in a marriage where there was no fighting or arguing, my ex was the one in control and I allowed it.

My parents marriage was full of fighting and arguing, which as a child I thought as father was violent was due to him being in control, as an adult I can see he resorted to that as he was not as socially smart as mother who had psychological control, they were both rather twisted really.

I have worked hard on myself as I have been around too many twisted people as the main relationships in my life and I wondering if it is possible for one not to be in control, or for a couple not to fight for control all the time, I don't want to get into a relationship like either of them next time!

I think in any relationship one person tends to be more 'in control' than the other, think what life would be like if we had a pow wow everytime something needed done?

There is no fighting for control in my relationship i am the boss We give and take on lots of things but we don't keep a tally to see who got their own way last time.

Agree with ABat- there's usually one partner that's more dominant/strong willed. But there's a difference between that and being controlling.
If I'm honest I'd say my partner is more "in control" but big decisions get made jointly, and if we have a difference of opinion we'll argue it out and reach a compromise. I think our relationship is healthy because we're both happy.

I am in a very equal relationship.

We don't always want the exact same things but can agree to a compromise quite easily, the only times we really argue is if one of us is moody or tired and again, we get over that quite easily.

We do work on it though, it's not 'hard' work but it does require effort, we both do nice things for each other regularly and we would step in each other's shoes when dealing with an issue that we are trying to compromise on.

(obviously I don't mean that we literally walk around in each other's shoes, his feet are smelly)

I never feel 'out of control' though, I feel 'we' are in control, it's balanced.

I only know of one couple who's relationship is unhealthy in the fight for control, but he is an emotionally abusive prick so that would be why

We don't fight for control. I tend to be the more organised, plan making one, and DH is very laid back. That said, I always ask his opinion before I go ahead with my plans. I wouldn't do anything that would upset him or make him feel controlled. On the big stuff, we make joint decisions. IMO, it doesn't matter if one of you takes the lead, as long as you are considerate and mindful of the other persons needs. I love and respect my husband, and suspect that is the key.

i'm in an equal relationship, but it's work. we each have our own strengths and acknowledge them.

my parents had a healthy marriage too, as do my siblings.

but it's important that when you have kids you don't stop doing what makes you, you.

you know what you want - the trick is to accept people for what they are without thinking 'if i do x i can change them.' because you CAN'T. as soon as you realise that this person isn't what you're looking for you need to move on regardless of emotional manipulation / guilt etc.

mine is an equal and healthy relationship. I can honestly say that.

my parents were very agressive and violent with constant shouting and arguing.

DHs parents were disfunctional in that his mother was/is a doormat and puts up with far more than any normal person would....but his dad is a nice man strangely. Just awful with money and selfish.

I knew what i wanted in a relationship and did not compromise on this. Chose carefully and stuck with my soul mate.
We rarely argue, have the same goals and some how agree on nearly everything.

He is very family orientated, and is a kind soul.

This is not to say it will be this way forever, and i fully expect this bubble to burst big time at some point in our future. I have a realistic outlook based on experience of life around me.

I have a good relationship

I am a slight control freak, and like to have my own way but quite fair if that cannot happen, IYSWIM

He is a very easy-going bloke, rarely gets stressed, is an optimist, very respectful of others (especially women) and is happy for me to have the impression I am the one in control

However, I am perfectly aware there is a core of steel in there and I would never be able to push him into doing something he really dosn't agree with

It works for us

Ditto AF, although I'm a bit more than a slight control freak.

Good/healthy relationships are shored up by total respect, both for oneself and one's partner.

No relationship is perfect but the longer you stay togeather the easer it gets. love is the main source if the loves gone its over xx

Why is no relationship perfect, candy? I have only been with my husband for two years (married for one), but it feels perfect to me. He is perfect for me, he has me believe I am perfect for him.
Took me a LONG time to find him (I was 34), because I refused to settle for anything other than utterly wonderful, but I do believe I found him.

urrrmmm your posts are all interesting

I don't really agree with any of Candyladys post - my 25 year marriage is perfect to me, things don't actually get easier the longer you are together, it can be harder to overlook little niggles and it's not as easy to let things slide, as for love, love can be highly toxic, love without respect and compromise isn't actually worth very much at all.

I have a very,very happy marriage. Anyfucker's post sounds just like us!

We've been married 15 years.

I don't agree with either of Candy's points. I have a very good relationship but it doesn't get easier with time - the difficulties change but are still there (although probably less likely to split us up than if they happened 15 years ago when we first got together).

I also don't think love is as important as friendship. To me, liking DH is far more important than loving him. Luckily, I do.

OP, in reply to your question - I have a healthy relationship as do my siblings and most of my friends. My parents' relationship is a bit odd and I wouldn't put up with it but it works for them.

love is an emotion, not a reason.

and if all you needed was love, there wouldnt be divorce, abuse etc etc.

love is only part of the equation candylady and frankly sometimes its the smallest part. mutual respect imo is the thing you cant do without.

I think my dh is the controlly one, he thinks I am, so I reckon we must have the perfect balance

This is not really a question about healthy relationships, which encompasses all sorts of behaviour, so much as one about accepting domincance from one partner perhaps?

Some women and men are happy for one partner to be dominant and make "final decisions" if that's what you mean.

Some very Alpha men need to feel they are in control and prefer subservient women- this suits women who maybe lack confidence or who like someone else to make decisions.

I have a friend who is happy to take the back seat and she avoids any confrontation- even if it means she does not get what she wants.

I have another friend whose DH is an emotional bully and she has spent 5 years in counselling building up her self-esteem to stand up to him.

In my marriage I wear the trousers, because I am the stronger personality- I don't like this and it has been a source of friction and unhappiness- but it works most of the time.

I don't think there is any answer to your question really- yes there are healthy marriages but what works for each couple is unique to them.

I thin k the important thing is to know what you are like and want.

I think my marriage is very healthy. We were bext friends who ended up falling in love which I think is great because we have always liked each other and spending time together and that hasn't changed.

I have never thought abotu control in our relationship tbh. We run our lives together. I have more control over finances because I am better at it. He is better at lots of things so he does those. I think we are very equal.

We have been together for 10 years and we rarely fall out but when we do we try to sort it out quickly and fairly. We never call each other names or disrespect each other which is very important to me and I don't know why people do it or put up with it from their partners.

I think our love has deepened with the years but I wouldn't say our relationship has got easier over the years.

My parents have a fairly good relationship although I think my Mum is a bit of a doormat. DH's parents divorced due to an affair.

yes! second the not calling names. DH and i both make a concerted effort to always speak kindly to eachother. even when we really want to wring eachothers necks. i can honestly say DH has never ever called me a name or spoken badly to me, and neither have i to him. (11 years and counting)

not that i am holding my marriage up as perfect. i dont think there is a 'perfect' marriage. ours just works for us and we are very happy.

our marriage is healthy in that we are both the 'dominating' personalities, so we clash on various things. the way we solve this is by always talking about problems ASAP, rather than letting them build up. its taken a long time to achieve that, but its definately good.

oh, and its also good to step back once in a while and say 'is this argument worth it?'

we never resort to childish insults, because insulting each other is a sign of relationship in trouble [having said that, we have various horrible joke nicknames for each other that freak people out...]

we have different strengths, and we try and support each other as much as possible, but we always tell the other straight if we're in the wrong, or just being ridiculous.

I've no idea. Mine is certainly not perfect and most relationships look like Hell from the outside tbh. I'm very bad at noticing who is on the brink of splitting though, many couples with whom spending time is like sitting on sandpaper seem to jog on for decades, and lovely couples who I think are doing well suddenly split

you have to ask though, what is healthy? is it finding someone who perfectly complements your own particular unhealthiness, rather in the way I have? i see no reason why we shouldn't keep going for ever, we do have a lot going for us but I know that few people would regard us as a healthy couple!

I have a very happy marriage with no fighting, but i had to have a ton of therapy to get there.

I fully recommend it.