think ive made a rod for my own back (tmi perhaps)

[ThatVikRinA22]

our sex life is ok, (functional - a bit sex by numbers but it works )but it didnt happen very often.

i decided to get some sexy undies - stockings, basque, sussy belt, the works.

it worked. but now i think he always wants me to dress up. its always down to me. everthing - contraception, the works.

recently, i just couldnt be bothered to dress up and it was very lack lustre - im a bit hurt tbh. and at risk of really giving too much away - he seems much happier to be behind me. i cant help wondering why.

then he bloody rolls over and snores all night while i spend the night on DDs floor on a mattress.

i am feeling quite resentful. he has never (in 22 years) made me feel particularly attractive, even though i used to (note used to) get tons of attention from other men. he has always been a closed book in terms of knowing what he is feeling. people never ever used to put us together as a couple. i met him when i was 16. he was 21.

i could leave it and he wouldnt say anything. we could probably go weeks with no sex. am i flogging a dead horse do you think? id sort of got my second wind and now im wondering why i bothered. we have always been better friends than lovers. when we first met he had real problems with me sexually because he just couldnt open up to anyone.

im not sure what to do. i think if i say anything he will sulk, we never talk anymore. is this just part and parcel of being together for so long do you think?

Why are you spending the night on DD's floor on a mattress? Is it just because of the snoring?

yep - he snores really badly and id rather get some sleep so i end up on DDs floor. we dont have a spare room or id be in it.

he is only in bed at weekends - he works nights the rest of the week, so he is up at about 1am. i can live with that. it just means that the only time we could share a bed for a full night i end up on the floor.

Good lord, Vicar, this sounds terribly dismal. You seem to be describing two issues here - a joyless marriage and a one-sided fetish
Not an enticing prospect, though after 22 years you must be feeling somewhat numbed-out by now ...

In reply to your main question: My first H was like this - you could be describing his preferences to a T. He took it all further than yours, though perhaps only because I was a doormat anxious to please. I felt as though he was only interested in the clothes/makeup/toys, not me. Going by news filtered back from his subsequent partners, that was the case. Bloody depressing: I felt like a rubber doll with housework built in!

I'm also sadly familiar with the from-behind thing as well. I don't know if you're feeling this way but, towards the end of both my marriages, it became painfully clear my H really didn't want to see my face. Horrid!

I sympathise entirely. I'm also very worried about your sleeping on a mattress on the floor??! FGS, buy another bed - you're not some last-minute guest! Plus, this is going to give DD some very dubious expectations of marriage.

I'm familiar with your posts in other threads, and feel pretty sure you want to be told it's all fixable and will turn out right in the end. I can't tell you that, I'm afraid. I think the circumstances you've outlined speak of a downtrodden wife in a dreary marriage. Such a fascinating woman as you are: I wish I could believe you'd strike out for a fresh, self-determined restart.

You can't not say anything in case he sulks. Think cafefully about what you want to tell him - what do you want him to know, how are you going to put it? What do you want the outcome to be? When and where will be the best place to discuss it?

Steel yourself.

He probably will sulk. He's hardly going to say "hooray! I am so glad you mentioned all of my shortcommings and selfish behaviour, let me fix everything immediately!"

But you can't go on like this and nothing is going to change if you say nothing.

Men are quite visual, the whole lingerie thing as well as the whole turning you round thing is about the view. He's being a lazy twot, that's for sure, but you are letting him.

Take a deep breath and tell him what you want him to do, exactly, a bit at a time (they are not good at directions). It might actually work and if it doesn't, well at least you'll know.

And if he does sulk, ignore it as you would a toddler. Just be very pleasant and polite. He'll get bored.

That's very sad Vicar, what should have been a bit of fun and a revitalisation of your somewhat dull sex life has made you feel pretty worthless I imagine.

The from behind thing could have just been him getting carried away with the excitement if you never used to have sex that way, it is a big turn on for a lot of men, mine included, it's a very primal thing.

I went through a phase of dressing up a couple of years ago, to spice things up and DH actually told me it wasn't necessary - even though he loves stockings, he thought I was putting on a "performance", which I suppose was true but it actually gave me a lot of confidence after a long time hating my body.

If he never makes you feel attrative and desirable I'm not surprised you feel resentful, if he is only interested in you when you are in stockings, it's only natural for you to feel hurt.

It should have brought you both closer together but he doesn't sound like a particularly caring type I'm afraid , if he won't talk, I'm not sure what you can do tbh.

It does sound very much as though he thinks you exist for his benefit, not that your marriage is a partnership and the stockings thing is pretty irrelevant really.
Has he ever consulted a doctor about the snoring? Sometimes snorers can be helped to snore less - and you could suggest to him that if he's prepared to do things that make you feel better, you're going to be more prepared to do things for his benefit.

interesting replies!

i just dont think he is a very sexual being in reality - he was a virgin when we met, and he has never slept with anyone else. He doesnt like porn or anything like it.

i should say we are happy together and i do love him. He is kind, patient and very tolerant - im not very easy to live with! we just dont seem to talk much but i think thats my fault - i find it difficult as much as he does.
we ended up in sex therapy when we first met. i think i terrified him. I come from an abusive background and he was always really kind to me. Ive never ever known if he fancies me, despite the fact that when we met i was a nubile attractive young women and he was a spotty geeky loner. god that sounds horrible. but he was. he was way better for knowing, but like i say - bit of a closed book.

he isnt always such a plank - but he is very dissatisfied with his job but lacks motivation to change it. he has never had much get up and go. he left that to me. he is very laid back while im the opposite. he knows his shortcomings, but i cant see him changing now.

im hoping when i start my new job, he will be a bit more active in looking for another one for himself. he could afford to lose a bit of pay then, and perhaps he wouldnt be so knackered all the time, that may help with the snoring and the lack of intimacy.

dunno. lots to think about though. thanks for the replies.

oh and he hasnt ever done anything about the snoring. its only really bad when he is really tired (which cos of his job is pretty much all the time)

we get on really well, he does his share in the home and with the kids, he is very frustrating because he is really clever, but lazy with it. he was offered a scholarship to a private school in his youth but wouldnt go.

he can look after himself and is very self sufficient - just a drifter who wont change anything unless pushed.

i once did push him - i was going to leave. i only told him the week before that id got myself a flat, he pulled out all the stops and booked us for relate - the works, he tried so hard and it worked, but that was 15 years ago and we have just drifted back into a rut i guess.

im waffling. i guess we need to talk.

Marriage is hard work and you can't expect it to be great all the time. Yes you need to talk, but everyone needs to make time to do that. It sounds as though you have let things slip recently but a bit of "marraige maintenance" ie talking can work wonders.

The sex from behind thing doesn't sound sinister to me, tbh, but if it's not your favourite position then it shouldn't be all the time.

This does sound an utterly dismal way to live. He sounds a waste of space and though I can understand why you ended up married to him i don't know that you should spend the rest of your life trying to 'improve' him. I think you have been taught to have low expectations of relationships yet at the same time taught that a woman is nothing without a male partner, so when you found a man who was non-violent, with a low libido and a degree of financial security and the sort of personality that would take being told what to do a lot of the time, you married him because he was 'safe'.

i think i'd have to tell him i was off to shag someone else, tbh.

that's no way to go through life.

He sounds pretty lazy and inconsiderate tbh, happy for you to make all the running and make things exciting for him but uninterested in giving anything back to you.

Only you can decide if you want to carry on being the only one who gives.

he sounds asexual. there are actually support groups out there for people who are asexual.

personally, i'd have to sit down with him and tell him it's okay for him to be who he is, and you're okay with it. but you need to be you, too, so that means seeking sexual satisfaction with others because you're not getting it at home.

if he's okay with it, well, you were honest and he knows what's up.

If you do think he might be asexual, Aven is a great site to read through, for both of you.

wow. i was just sort of thinking we had hit a bit of a stale patch!

i dont think he is asexual, and i dont think its a fetish as such either either.

its a bit of a shock to read so many people saying it all sounds so dismal. i suppose i haven't ever felt it to be that bad. ive always thought he gave me some balance - ying to my yang i suppose.

we are happy, usually. we have come through a lot together i guess, but ive always thought his lack of feeling to be a bit strange but then im the opposite.

ive got some big life changes in the offing, so ill not make any other big decisions just yet. thanks for the different perspective though, maybe i have settled for less than i should for too long and i suppose we need to talk.

(i thought it was nothing a 4 bed house couldnt fix! food for thought, thanks.)