nephew in foster care

[iwastooearlytobeayummymummy]

Long story short:
My BIL lost contact with his children 7 years ago, following assault and abuse from his exes new husband, making weekly contact distressing for all concerned,especially the children.

Via Facebook my nepwhew contacted me He is 15 I was really shocked to discover that he has been in foster care for the past 18 months.He told me he and and his mum had not been getting on,so she had put him into fC and that is all I know, at this stage.

'this side of the family' knew nothing of this, and live in different counties, and BIL has moved around a lot, but says he has always paid CCA

He really wanted to speak to his Dad, so I passed on their numbers and the 2 spoke to each other over the weekend.
BIL also spoke to foster mother who said nephew is a lovely lad

BIL is going to speak to social services tomorrow and I have told him to keep calm, and put the past behind him, looking only for his son's best interests.

Does any one have any insight into this sort of situation?
(BIL is not violent, druggy or alcoholic, and has always been in employment.
IMO he did 'give up' but had maintained regular contact for the initial 6 years post seperation, until the fight.)

No. But I'm surprised you haven't had any replies as I know others here have got relevant experience!
FWIW, it's good to hear his FM loves him and that contact has been resumed. Smart lad

Has he been paying support for the child that is in foster care? His ex is committing fraud if he is.

He has consistently maintained that he has paid CSA all along, deducted at source.
he did get into arrears a few years ago after 'being on the sick' for a few months, but that was sorted out.
But He has definately been paying CSA for the past 18 months, as has been in good health.

BIL left a message tonight, and has yet to speak to his son's SW, as not she's not in work today.

how do you "lose contact" with your children, honestly, how
I cannot see the fucking high horses of hell keeping me away from my children
Am thinking maybe your BIl isnt the perfect angel of a husband and father he is portraying!
Poor kids

Agree with Macdoodle- if it smells like bullshit, it probably is.

Was there really no other way for him to be in contact?
Were the police involved?
Why didn't Social Services contact him if other care was required?

Thanks sawney.
The police were involved after in
itial assault, but there was no prosecution.
I don't know why.
(BTW she had sought a divorce as she had embarked on a new relationship)
He repeatedly turned up for contact and was verbally abused by his ex and her partner in front of the children.
He decided that it was better to withdraw than to make them witness this week after week.(He tried for around 6 months post the assault)
he saw a solicitor at the time but could not afford to go back to court and was advised there was very little the courts would do if his ex continued to prevent children from seeing him, as in reality no action is taken against the resodent parent for contempt of court.

He gave the children mobile phones which his ex smashed in front of them all.

he did send postcards and letters but never got any replies.

We do not know why SS did not contact him,but assume his ex said she did not where he was living (in fact her sister's husband had kept in regular contact with my BIL, so she would have been able to get hold of him)

Mac and super
I have posted on this thread rather than AIBU so your comments are not really helpful at this stage.
Some mothers do not always do what is best for their children , and it would be naiave of you to think otherwise.

I meant to add that he would turn up and she would refuse to let the children go with him.

It's a real shame you've felt forced to justify your BIL's behaviour ... and still not received the replies you were hoping for.

Lucky1979 makes a very good point about the child support! I imagine the CSA would be interested to hear the child's been in foster care while the mother was still getting the money. If he's reimbursed, he could maybe use it to buy something important for his son. I hear the CSA is still in disarray, so perhaps it would be more efficient to see the CAB first.

Wishing you better luck with your thread ...

Thanks Its
He is my BIL and i can be quite dispassionate about his imperfections,and have told him about them on many occasions!
But we are all so sad that this young lad has been seperated from his family, through his mother's actions.

My nephew also 'chatted' to my DD on facebook last night and told her how much he had missed us all.

I'm sorry you didnt like my replies, I was NOT defending the mother at all, she sounds ghastly!!
However, everytime my ex arrived for an access visit, he ABUSED me and my new partner, he was vile and very nasty, in front of the DC! He used the children to get at me during access and it was horrific for me and the DD's!

I didn't just "give up", because it was too difficult and it took significantly longer than 6 months, with me and DD1 needing counselling! However 4 years later we have reached an amicable (ish) state and both girls have a good relationship with their father, and access is fairly regular (ish)!

I also have a sister whose mother (mine) took her and left my father when she was 6 (leaving me and DB), my father tried a bit to find her and keep in contact, then "gave up" because my mother made it too hard! My poor sis feels abandoned by my father be it right or not!

Sorry your BIL sounds like a spineless wimp, and he should fucking take some responsibility for being a parent, and not just walk away!

Sorry if you dont like it but thats MY opininion!

Macdoodle
I was not seeking your opinion of my BIL's behaviour.
This has been posted on this thread in the hope that others may have some insight into the foster process and offer advice accordingly.
Please do not respond to this thread in future as i find your comments unhelpful and more suited for a confrontational AIBU

On the positive side, at least this could be a great chance to build the relationship with him again. It sounds a dreadful situation and I'm sure that there is some fault on all sides (however your BIL does sound like he's tried his best). I suspect the people critisizing him so harshly are projecting their own situation on to this one.

How many other children are there? Is the DS in foster care in touch with his mother's side of the family any more?

Thanks for your insight, however if you post on an open board, expecting who knows what, I am afarid you have to take whats offered!
And I'll bloody post if I like

lucky

thanks
from the brief conversation I had with him, it would appear that he is not in contact with his 2 sisters, (17 and 20,) either
I completely agree that 2 wrongs do not make a right, and if it had been me I could never envisage losing contact, and I have given my BIL grief over it on more than on occasion.

I really hope that some good will come out of this 'discovery ' and that the damage can be repaired.

BIL had attempted to see his eldest adult daughter last year, and had established phone contact, but this ended very suddenly on her part.Again, i can only surmise that she feels too let down by him or perhaps was protecting her mum, or perhaps knew what was happening to her brother and didn't want to let on. All natural reactions.

the most important thing here is your nephew; his quality of life now and in the future. if your bil can rebuild their relationship that would be best all round.
with regards to the fc processes; bil really needs to talk to the SW. don't be too alarmed that she hasn't gotten back to him already; SW's are very busy people with often too many cases and not enough hours in the day to do their job. the SW's next step would be to discuss the situation and the options with bil. if bil feels he is in a position to offer his son a home, he will be assessed. do bear in mind that as yet you have no idea what your nephew has been through, he might have been through some really damaging shit, and his behaviour may reflect that. the best thing your bil can do is to approach the situation with honesty and love. if it turns out nephew would be better where he is that does not stop bil being a father to him.
wish you all the very best

macdoodle - It would have been easier for you not to give up as you had residence of the children.

OP - I think it is awful that your nephew has been in care for 18 months and his family haven't been told.

BIL spoke to SW today and they have arranged to meet in a fortnight, so thateverything can be explained in person
SW is very happy for BIL to carry on with phone contact

I read BIL the riot act today warning him to keep calm and put his wife's behaviour behind him, only focussing on nephew's needs, and this may mean more stability if he stays with FP's until he has finished GCSEs ,and BIL seeing him frequently.
BIL would like his son to live with him, but accepts there will be many hurdles to overcome, not least relocating and finding a bigger place to rent.
And that he hasn't parented for half of this lad's life.