Ex introduced OW to daughter-am not happy.

[SpiritualKnot]

Hi there,
another update to end of marriage (18 years married, H left for OW mid March, now lives alone in flat, OW lives in same town as him with parents and kid).

We are getting divorced, started proceedings about a fortnight ago.Last week dd (age 10) went to stay at H and he arranged for OW to meet my dd, without telling me, ofcourse I no longer exist in his head, but felt this shouldn't have happened.

Dd hadn't told me and H told me tonight. I went mad and said how dare he make all this all normal for my dd and that he should've waited till divorce finalised. H came out with, "oh I can't do anything right can I?"

I questioned whether this OW was a bit thick if she thought that this was ok as well. I've been very tolerant of him during the whole goings on, depite being mega upset.

He started saying things like he had to leave and it was in part my fault he was unhappy. Told him I didn't care anymore about the marriage breakdown anymore, it was the fact that he'd lied and been deceitful about the affair.

Anyway, was I right to go mad with him? Should I have expected this to happen coz I hadn't laid down this as a ground rule?

I didn't cry or anything, just felt this wasn't right. He says he won't do it again, until after the divorce.

SK

I guess it depends on how serious their relationship is. It's one thing your daughter being introduced to a new girl every week which is obviously bad, to someone who is now a long term-ish partner.

I agree it was insensitive of him if he didn't warn your dd first.

I have read a lot of advice on why it is a good idea not to introduce the children to new partners until at least a year has passed. I agree with some advice and disagree with much of it.

However, if he left suddenly because of the OW, and the child is not taking the split well, I think you are right. He shouldn't have introduced them so soon.

But one thing is true, whether he was right or wrong, you can't change what he does, so perhaps the only thing that you can effectively do, is to try to soften the blows your child is getting, and sometimes is incredibly difficult but you just have to do it, for the sake of the child.

Hi mumblechum, he's had the affair since January, told me about the OW about 3 weeks ago and told my daughter about her 2 weeks ago. He's told me it's not serious, but I've told him that he doesn't do "not serious" so I think it is.

Should he have waited until after the divorce? Surley it can't be right for my daughter to be being given the idea that a father having a OW whilst married is normal?

SK

Divorces some times take forever, my ex has been living with his new partner for more than a year but is still dragging his feet with the divorce.... it has ben almost three years now...

My issue would not be the waiting for the divorce to be final, but the speed that it is all happening.

Your DD must still be shellshocked that her father has moved out. It is far too soon to be introducing the OW, particularly if he is not committed to her.

He is putting your DD in a position of having to chose between her parents, who to give her loyalty to. That is very unfair.

Hi Chandra,

Sorry yours is taking so long-how awful for you. We're trying to do ours ASAP, so he won't be dragging his feet.

Dd has been pretty good about everything, but there is such an imbalance coz our son (aged 18), hasn't been told about the OW. I wanted H to wait and tell them both after my son's A levels (June), so he's told her but not him. I'm not telling him because of his A levels.

SK

Just my two pennorth.

I met my OH the November after his wife had left him.

Six weeks later I was meeting his two teenage sons. We were both pretty certain at that time that it was serious, as certain as you can be after six weeks.

If we had waited till the divorce was finalised, it didn't come through for another 8 months as his ex fannied about too much.

However, even though we seemed to get on OK, his kids didn't take it well, and basically didn't speak to him for over a year after that. I think they still harboured hopes that mum and dad would get back together, even though she was the on who walked out on him.

As to the OW being a bit thick, it didn't occur to me as it being a problem that I met his sons. It's not really fair to expect her to be making judgement calls on his children. I introduced my kids to him after three weeks. And I didn't ask their father's permission either.

Hi Templemaiden,

How long had they been split up before you got together?
Were you still married to their father at the time though?

H is like mega religious (or thinks he is)and I find it extremely annoying that he's giving my daughter the message that having an OW in a marriage ok. I know the solicitor very well, she's the daughter of a very good friend, she's hoping to get it all pushed though in within 10 weeks and he knows this.

MmeLindt, I hadn't thought about the divided loyalty thing, that's true. She hadn't told me to spare my feelings, must be awful for her.

SK

"How long had they been split up before you got together?"

Four months.

"Were you still married to their father at the time though?"

No, I was never married to their father. He has as yet never even met my OH, even though we have no been together 18 months and are getting married in July.

Hi Templemaiden,

Sounds like we need to be very careful about how my son reacts when he's told about the OW. He's had very little reaction to the whole break up. When my H told him that he was leaving he said "I know you'll both do what's right".I'm sure he thinks there's a chance we'll get back together.

Thank you for the warning, sorry this happened to you though. Are the teenagers ok about it now?

SK

To me once you are separated the marriage is over, but then I'm an atheist. The divorce is just paperwork and nothing to do with a real marriage.
If this woman is a serious relationship then waiting years for a divorce to come through seems daft.
My current husband and I left our previous spouses and moved in together. The kids obviously then met both of us straight after the split, which probably wasn't ideal but was better than not seeing the kids or pretending we weren't living together.

Hi 2Rebecca

But they're not living together and the divorce will be through in 10 weeks. He's made out to my daughter as well that's it's "not serious"

I'm an atheist as well, it's him that's the religious one.

Did I overeact then?

If the divorce will be through in 10 weeks and they aren't living together then I don't see what his rush is and if he is religious am surprised he isn't waiting as we had alot of trouble with kids on both sides angry at our behaviour.
If you hadn't told the kids that he left to be with this woman then I'm surprised he is wanting to do so, rather than wait a while and just see her when the kids aren't round for a few weeks.

I don't think you did overreact. I cant believe he told your DD it's not serious with this other woman and he has only told her and not your DS.
Firstly he shouldnt really be talking like that to your DD IMO. And if it's not serious then your DD shouldnt have to get to know this OW.
Although your DD may seem to be taking it well, I'd be more concerned, it must be effecting her, seeing her dad off with OW that he 'isnt serious with' but left mum for...
See where I'm going?

He says he won't be doing it again. Dd is staying with him tomorrow night, glad I reacted I s'pose, as he probably told me tonight so that the OW could come and make herself cosy with my daughter tomorrow night.

Next stage would've been to introduce my daughter to her 3 year old kid. That would've been dreadful,she's always been her dad's little girl. That might affect her badly I think.

The eldest boy will soon be 18 and he is just about coming around now - they have all met up once and the older boy has rung him a few times since then.

The younger one is nearly 14 and still doesn't want to know. Funnily enough he was the one I got along best with out of the two. I sometimes wonder what the fallout was if he went back to mum and told her "I met Templemaiden and she's really nice!" If Mum freaked out, then that could have had a big impact on him.

However. If the relationship is not serious then I don't see any need to introduce new people. But why did he throw his marriage away for a relationship that is not serious?

Morning Templemaidedn

Glad that the older teenager is coming round.I s'pose 14 is quite a difficult age anyway, maybe he felt guilty that he liked you, perhaps he'll come round when he's older?

I think my H has told me it isn't serious for 2 reasons:

1)so that I won't name her in the divorce proceedings and possibly start to involve her in the financial side
2)so that it makes him look a victim. "I'm living on my own, it's so hard".

I reckon as soon as the divorce is through, they'll be combining their incomes, taking the payoff I'm giving him and setting up house together.

That's what I think anyway. I'm convinced it must be serious, especially now he's introduced them.

May I ask, why are you giving him a payoff?
I think you should mention the OW in the divorce but thats IMO.

Hi fyi
Divorcing for adultry. The OW is mentioned in the divorce as unnamed. Trying to keep everything as simple as poss to speed things up. He was reluctant to tell me this woman's name and I didn't want to get all tangled up in the OW business. He kept saying, he wasn't leaving coz of OW it was coz of bad marriage.

I'm increasing the mortgage, which I pay anyway as I want the house in my name, so that he no longer has a hold over me. Know I could keep it both our names and sell when dd is 18, but don't want him coming round and telling me the guttering needs doing etc. Giving him £20,000

Scuse brevity, doing my makeup for work!

Just to mention, this is my first day back at work, had 4 weeks of with stress and then he tells me this the day before.

He told me about the OW, the day before I was due to give a big talk at work,which he knew about, had to cancel the talk and been off since.

It's like he just doesn't think at all. Just thinks I'll cope with whatever he throws at me.

Wow, I'd say he's having his cake and eating it too! (if you dont mind me saying).
But I dont know the full situation so I'm sure you've got it all worked out.

So are you paying him off so you can have the house?
Wouldnt threatening to mention the OW's name in the divorce work just as well? :P

Don't mean to pry, just seems unfair that he did the cheating and gets a pay off too.

Good luck with it all though, hope you get what you want in the end!

Sounds to me, from your last post he's pretty selfish and does things when HE feels like it, not taking into account the hurt to other people.
More to reason why I wouldnt pay him off but threaten to name the OW. (Again IMO)

Oh and good luck on your first day back!

That would really hurt so soon after splitting. I think he must be blocking out your feelings entirely It's a guilt thing. If he stopped for a moment to think about how you felt as a result of his actions, he might feel guilty and he can't have guilt ruining his new relationship can he???

As for being Religious and waiting on the divorce, I agree with a previous poster who said it's just a piece of paper, after all, if he really is Religious then you'll always be married in the eyes of God regardless!

In saying that, no, he shouldn't have introduced his OW so early, he obviously doesn't have any cop on, maybe he could read up on how to help a child understand marriage break-downs? And how to make the transition as easy as possible for her? (Nothing to do with OW of course, just to learn to accept that her parents are no longer together)

I've heard of a few good books but for the life of me can't think of the names of them now!!

You and your ex should also sit down now and agree to some ground rules going forward