So Very Scared

[mumtochloe]

I have been with my DH for almost 10 years and feel we have reached the end. We both moved to a new area 200 miles away from where we used to live and bought a house. However we just do not get on anymore and either row all the time or ignore each other. He has a bad temper and his favourite words to me at present are shut up or f*ck off. He has never hit me but kicked me once and has pushed me, though not for a while. He says I make him lose his temper and that I nag too much. Our evenings are spent with him on the pc and me watching telly in another room

He has friends at work but I only have one friend here and desperatly want to move back to our old area to be near my friends. He also has family support whereas my family are distant and live miles away from both areas. I want to sell the house and move back but know as soon as I mention this he will make life really difficult and I can't handle it. I already do the majority of housework, sort all our finances out as he can't and work full time, plus I am struggling with anxiety and a crippling phobia so anything else I feel will break me.

We have already talked about doing essential work to the house in order to sell it so we can move back...would it be horrible of me not to mention wanting to leave until the ball is rolling? Ideally I would move back with DD and go to university to study to be an occupational therpaist even if this means living on benefits for a while until I am sorted out.

I am just scared of the practicalities and if I will regret this. What if my phobia and anxiety gets worse when we split up? How would I cope for money? How would I organise moving back? I can't picture being with him for ever and I can't picture a life without him as we have been together since I was eighteen, but we have no relationship and haven't slept together for months. Also DD sees us row a lot and I want her to live in a house where rows are not happenning all the time

Can anyone advise me?

[crazydazy]

I really don't know how you do it Aimsmum, every night I get scared everytime my children call me, I just couldn't do it.

I will CAT you lonelymum!!!!

[Aimsmum]

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[crazydazy]

If I only had one child I think I would cope better but two on my own scares the hell out of me!!!

Do you have it really bad Aimsmum, if your dd is ill can you hold her while she is doing it?? I could never do that in a million years!!!

[babysteffee]

What is emetophobia? Fear of your children being sick, as in physically throwing up or being ill in any way, like having a headache or earache or anything? Is the fear only when your child is ill, or the thought of them getting ill?

Is there anything you can do about it? Like talking to a counsellor or something?

For those of you in violent relationships, would you have any support if you left? There are charities like gingerbread and I think homestart that help single parents, would one of these be able to help? Do you have friends that know about your phobia that would be able to help?

Sorry for all the questions, I hope you don't think I'm being patronising or anything...

[Lonelymum]

BS, emetophobia can be fear of throwing up yourself or fear of others throwing up. For me, my fear of my children throwing up is worst, but mainly because I haven't thrown up in decades. I have to admit I have it so bad, I also fear when my children have anything wrong with them, but only because I think they might throw up.

I have tried couselling. I recently saw a CPN but she said she could not help me becasue I wasn't depressed! There are self help groups and charities that are supposed to be able to help but I haven't summoned up the courage to contact them!

[Aimsmum]

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[Lonelymum]

Aimsmum, as always, everything you have said is exactly how I feel about it/cope with it too!

[Aimsmum]

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[Lonelymum]

It is very much to do with the mess - if only mine could be sick into a toilet every time I would be laughing!

But it must also be to do with the dreadful choking sensation that goes with being sick. OK TMI!

[Aimsmum]

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[crazydazy]

Hi guys sorry I had to go last night.

Lonelymum, I tried to cat you, I don't know if you got it.

Aimsmum, I would love to talk to you too, you both are EXACTLY THE SAME AS ME, but I really do take my hat off to you Aimsmum and you have given me so much hope that should we split up I CAN DO IT, like you say when you have to cope you do. I find when others aren't around like during the daytime I just manage , I am not as scared through the day though.

We went to a barbecue yesterday and DD wanted a burger and I wouldn't let her have one, she was really crying but I was too scared to let her and I think everyone thought I was weird but I didn't care!!! I am always watching what they eat and I really wish I could relax more.

I can clean it up afterwards, that doesn't bother me but its the choking sensation and seeing it come out (god it sounds gross).

I am dreading DD going back to school as thats when the tummy bugs start....I am lucky though as my kids don't often get bugs - I am touching wood as I am saying this .

[crazydazy]

Oh I forgot, I have done CBT with a councillor. I hated going and she totally didn't understand the phobia at all. She showed me some pictures which I just about coped with!!!! Then on the next session she made me listen to a tape and it totally traumatised me. The first one was listening to a child being sick and it was so very scary!!! I never went back again!!!! I wish I'd strength to see it through but she didn't have a clue how to treat me and I think that is vital with emetophobics!!!

There has been times when things have been so bad with DP that I have contemplated leaving the kids with him as they would be better off!!! Is that bad or what? But then I thought they would probably be happier with me so its not fair on them so I usually stay and work things out.

[Aimsmum]

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[Aimsmum]

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[Lonelymum]

Crazydazy, I totally relate to everything you have said! You are definitely not alone! I have received your CAT and replied, so I hope to her from you soon.

Aimsmum, you are an amazing person, even if you just see it as getting on with it! According to my non emetophobic dh (God! imagine both people in a partnership having emetophobia!) that is how normal people cope with vomiting, by just getting on with it.

[Aimsmum]

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[babysteffee]

Thanks for clearing that up. I got an impression that it was any illness that caused it.

For those that want to leave your dp/dh, are your children old enough so you could explain to them that they should try very hard to be sick in the toilet or have a bowl ready for them, and that you're very sorry but you can't watch them being sick even though you would like to comfort them, and that being sick is nothing bad so they don't need to worry.

I think you are very brave Aimsmum, I'm glad you're finding it easier than you expected and it just goes to show that we can do anything we want if we want it enough.

[Aimsmum]

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