how do I leave now my kids are over 18 and I don't earn enough?

[salsifyp]

Hello people
I have been puzzling how to live apart from my DH for about 4 years but have been unhappy for about 20 - stayed due to major problems with one DS -now resolved. I don't feel I can expect DH to move out of the FH as he's done nothing wrong and it's his home too and he's always earned far more than me. I don't earn enough even to pay rent on a one roomed flat plus pay for my car (essential for my work) and my living costs. I am starting a course which should improve my income in about 18 months time. Income is a little too much to be eligible for shared housing. How do I manage to live apart from him without divorcing and selling the family home - which would effectively mean I divorced my family as well as him? It would mean that there was nowhere for us to meet ( we have 4 children aged 19 -29 and are very close) like we do now. I don't care about getting a divorce particularly - I know I shouldn't or can't keep on living this lonely empty half-life. I have tried to be financially independent for years - I hate taking his money and I only use it to run the house. I pay for everything else out of my money. I even buy the kids separate presents. I moved out of the bedroom 3 years ago. He won't/ can't talk about anything and there is no more to say - we've done Relate 3 times in our 31 years of marriage and now I kind of wish we hadn't or I could have escaped before. I get no pleasure from his company - in fact the reverese but he's still crazy about me.
any ideas anyone?

Do your children still live at home or have they moved out?

My view - and this may not be popular, but I'm always being told what a selfish person I am! - is that you can't just leave your home and set up again on your own. Financially you can't afford to, so thats not going to work. I know you say your salary will improve in 18 months or so but you've already waited so long, please dont put it off any longer - you do deserve to be happy you know! And you also deserve not to have to live in one room while the rest of your family is in comfort. Your needs are no less that theirs!

Going back to the house, I can understand you are thinking that it is the 'family' home, you want your children to have somewhere to come at Christmas, birthdays, special occasions etc. Obviously thats what happens now. But if you do move out, do you think that will happen in future? Will you really all still be able to come together under the same roof, or is it not more likely your DH will not want you there if he is? What if he (at some point in the future) meets someone else, and they move in to your old house?
Also what if you get ill/cant work and are unable to pay rent etc on your flat?

In your position I think the only thing you can do is to divorce, and split your assets. Anything else leaves you too financially vulnerable, and on the periphery of family life. If you can sell the family home, presumably there will be enough to buy 2 separate (albeit smaller) properties? you may find it helpful to speak to a solicitor and go through your options - they should be able to provide you with an initial hours advice either free or at a fixed fee.

but please do accept that you deserve to be happy, and that might mean making changes which will affect others. However 20 years is an awfully long time to be in the wrong relationship (I did it for nearly 8 years and 2 years on am still slightly regretful I didnt end it sooner)

Can he afford to buy your share of the home, giving you capital to set up on your own? You are entitled to a share of the value of the house, even if you have contributed less financially you will have contributed to the family in other ways (e.g. if you worked part-time or stayed at home to look after the children, that will have allowed him to work and earnt he money that he does).

If you're absolutely desperate to move out, all I can advise you to do is play around on entitledto.com until you find a combination of circumstances which would be workable, and then shift your life around to fit.

How many hours do you work? Could you be entitled to working tax credit? What are the rents like in your area?
I'm not sure what you mean by shared housing, do you mean assisted housing like council homes etc? As a shared house with a few other people, perhaps people you know or friends of friends, could work well. Then you have a shared house rather than a studio flat - and yet some privacy in your own room as well.

I know how hard it is, I am moving out and I have a toddler; I know it would be much more tricky if he wasn't young because my income would take a nosedive with no child tax credits, housing benefit etc. But also, I am the one moving out because he owns the house and I have no share, and can't face the battle to stay. It sounds different for you.

You should have a chat with CAB if you haven't. They will be able to advise you in more detail, i.e what your house is worth etc. Could your husband buy you out? Who actually owns it?
I hope you get some answers from others, because it sounds like right now you just need to see some hope and a way that this could work, it is very depressing staying with someone when you can't afford to leave.
Take care.

Useful websites:
LHA website, housing benefit

entitled to

CAB

when my DH and I were going through a bad patch a while back I went through the same process as you and went to see a solicitor.
She told me that selling the family home was the only option, unless I could buy him out, which I could not afford to do.

You would also after such a long marriage be entitled to some maintenanace from him until you could stand on your own two feet- I was in your situation albeit I am a professional but only work part time and effectively "gave up" my career to support my DH, bring up my kids, and he could travel the world and grow his career.
It might be possible for you to rent a small flat on your income, maintenance and some benefits. I don't know what work you do, but maybe you can increase your hours or get another part time job?

I think you have to stop being sentimental- I know that sounds harsh- but I once told a friend that I hated the idea of splitting up as we would lose the family home and have nowhere for Xmas dinners etc- and she laughed at me saying that if that was an issue then I coudn't want to get divorced that much anyway!

If you really want o be on your own, the not having a big home for your kids- who ae now adults-should not be an issue.

p.s- iwonder why you are not being a bitmore angry about this?
If you marriage is over and your H does not want or cannot hlep to mend it, then why are you not demanding a divorce to provide you with atleast 50% of what is legally yours plus some maintenance while you get back on your feet?

You cannot in a practical way, expect to move out and set up on your own on nothing- you have contributed to your joint assets.

Whilst you may not like - emotionally- the division of these, it is your only option if you want to be on your own.

If you really want to divorce, then you will have to harden up to the idea of selling the family home and splitting the equity. It's a nice idea to think of family get-togethers stretching into the future but surely some of your children have already bought their own houses, have children, are in relationships etc? Unless they are exceptionally close and committed to making it to family gatherings, these occasions will inevitably lessen. They will not all always make it back to you for Christmas, birthdays etc - they will have their other halves Christmases, weddings, baptisms etc to consider as well. They will probably also want to host events in their own homes in future so everyone does not necessarily have to come to you anyway? And finally, several people have already wondered if it is realistic to expect that your h is going to want to sit opposite you at family meetings - at least not for a while.

My only other suggestion is a room in a house? I have friends that now have to rent room(s) out as their grown up dc have left home and they can't afford not to IYSWIM. Room rental tends to be about £70 per week as there is a limit on how much you can rent a room out without tax implications.

What PurplePeony said. It is shocking that you have so little idea of your value and your entitlements - your H may love you, but he doesn't seem to have done a whole lot for your self-worth.

Please discuss with the CAB, then see a solicitor. Once you know your rights and your options, you'll be standing on surer ground.

Good luck

I agree with Grace

It is sad that you think you will be divorcing your children.

They are adults now- and as others have said, the time will come when they can't or don't want to have family get togethers so often.
Life moves on with or wothout a divorce.

Surely they and you want to see you happy- even if that means you can no longer offer them the space you once had in a family home?

You seem to have put your own needs last for 20 years- now it is time for you to think of you!

The only way you can avoid selling thehome in the short term is for you to earn a lot more by doing other work etc and being financially independent- but this doesn't negate the fact that half the marital home is yours, along with half your husband's pension if he has one, and half of all your joint assets.

Come back to us and tell us what you think!

One advantage of my parents moving alot when I was younger is that I don't have a romanticised idea of a "family home".
My home is where I live, given the ages of your kids I would expect most of them to now have their own homes and think of your place as "mum and dad's home" not "the family home".
It's just a house. Agree with others that if the house is so important to you you can't want to divorce that much. Different if the kids are young and divorcing would mean moving and changing their schools etc, but really you are just splitting a house containing adults now which should be less hassle.