How do I deal with this effectively?

[AliBean]

I think my DP is alcohol dependant.

His behaviour is making life unpredictable, unsettling and ultimately unhappy.

We have a 8mo DS and he has 2 DS (22 & 14) from previous relationship.

We have had a shitty year - been screwed by business partner, DP had to work as labourer/jobbing builder when was a Co Director...money terrifying, traumatic birth of DS, hard times etc etc...but DP now is starting a new (well paid) job on Monday and all is looking up.

Throughout the traumatic times (and before really if I am honest) he has turned to alcohol regularly as a crutch or escape. I have never liked it but ultimately felt that he needed a release - he has always been "troubled" and had a good reason for all his negative and destructive behaviour. I love him and have always accepted his excuses and tried to put myself in his shoes and made excuses for him to myself and others. I never tell my family or friends about the arguments we have when he is drunk but he makes me feel so bad that I hurt myself and then hate myself for letting him get to me.
When the morning comes and he is sober we have long conversations about the situation and he always apologises and promises to stop drinking and says he really means it - I know that this is utter rubbish but now the non-drinking time is literally one day between binges whereas before it was a week or so and then always a "good reason" for falling off the wagon...
Now it is one good day, one bad...and I am tired. I am totally dependent on him financially, I don't think I could manage if he left and I don't want my ds to grow up without a dad or siblings but I also don't know how to handle this situation any more

OK... Well, being practical, there are two parts of this right now. Firstly, as he is starting a new job tomorrow you may find that things go back to normal which would, I imagine, alleviate your immediate fears.

Perhaps, once he's settled at work, you could speak with him about it again?

In the meantime, I'd suggest you speak to Al-Anon here and see if you can get some support that way.

I'm trying to be practical and not emotional here but you do need to consider the impact on your DS if your partner's drinking heavily and the impact of this is causing you to self-harm. You need support, I think.

If you think your partner is alcohol dependent/alcoholic then you are most probably right.

It will do your child no favours at all if his Dad is an alcoholic. He will see and hear it all, no matter how much you protect him or try to from the underlying problems.
Also children of alcoholic parents can themselves become more susceptible to choosing alcoholics as partners themselves when adult. It will emotionally harm both you and him to remain within this. Your son should not be left this particular legacy and you are already self harming.

Alcoholism as well thrives on secrecy; you must consider opening up to a trusted family member or friend. If you really cannot do that then talk to Al-anon as belledame has suggested as they are helpful to family members of problem drinkers.

You are NOT responsible for this man ultimately, only your own self and your son.
There is help out there and you could manage if you left - it is the great unknown that you are afraid of. Taking that first step to get out is often the most difficult but you must do so.

I hope his new job does work out for him but equally he could well go onto lose it because of his underlying alcohol problems. That is not an unlikely scenario here. He is not wanting to address the reasons why he drinks and is in denial to you about his problem. Again you are not responsible for him.

The promises to give up are also empty ones.
There are no guarantees here; he could lose everything and he could still drink. You and everyone/everything else are now a dim and distant second to his drinking.

This sentence too of yours is very telling:-
"I love him and have always accepted his excuses and tried to put myself in his shoes and made excuses for him to myself and others".

What is there to love about him exactly?. You are self harming because of his behaviours. You are also playing a role in his alcoholism by covering up for him and enabling him. That does you no good at all because all enabling does is give you a false sense of control. It will harm you as well.

Would also like to add that many people have troubled childhoods and lives but not all of them as a result turn to drinking to an extent where it becomes all encompassing. Do not excuse him like this. Rescuing or enabling someone is not an approach you can adopt in relationships - it just does not work. Maybe you thought that your love could help him be a better person - wrong on all counts there I am sorry to say.

The 3cs re alcoholism:-
You DID NOT cause this
You CANNOT control this
You CANNOT cure this

Please talk to Al-anon and read their literature. It will help you and your son.