discovered DH kissed another woman

[CACOONED]

A few weeks ago I found out of the blue some emails sent from DH to another woman, fairly intimate....not sexual but like he knew her very well...confronted him, he denied anything to start with, he was meant to be doing some work for her which was true and how they first met (well via facebook). Anyway after some "dont give me any shit" talk from me he confessed that they had met to do with work and then continued emailing eachother, innocently but that they became good friends over a couple of months of doing this, suggested meeting which they did THREE times at a cafe, the first two times platonically (but obviously there was a spark) and the third time they kissed twice.

She ended it at this point saying she didnt want to take things further and destroy the two families (she is also married with children) and DH realised that this was the right thing to do.

Have to point out at this time, our marriage was in really bleak place ... married for 12 years, DH has MS and so some issues there, but both had become totally withdrawn and distant to eachother, and both v lonely BUT always having had a strong relationship thought that we would get back on track at some point with some help.

DH left it there, but after about 6 months decided to contact her again, to rekindle the nice and warm feelings he had from her and they were then back in email contact but no face to face contact. This is when I found the emails.

I cried, screamed, raged and swore and gone through every emotion. I believe everyting he has said as more or less from the start, well after initial reaction, he was honest, even to the point of admitting she tried to stop it and he pursued it again this year which he didnt need to say.

Anyway I guess this may not be a big deal in some people's books, but I have to say that the strangest thing has happened since... we seem to have rediscovered eachother and it is like we were 13 years ago....we have not stopped talking and I feel closer than ever. I understand why it happened and he takes total responsiiblity for it and is ashamed and sorry.

HOWEVER i just can't get rid of this horrible feeling I have hanging over me of HURT that he can have done this and hung onto it for months. GOD I am sorry this is so long this late....

oh I also had email contact with said woman who was so up her arse, and arrogant telling me she had nothing to be ashamed of which of course made it all the worse.

Any thoughts or anyone been in same situ?

It sounds as if you are making a good start on repairing the damage he has done to your relationship. How you react really depends on what you want from the relationship.

Personally I wouldn't have any contact with the OW - it is an issue you have to work out with your DH. It is he who has betrayed your trust, not her.

Good luck and keep talking to your DH

I'd leave the OW out of this. This is between you and DH. It sounds as if you're getting things back on track but if you keep picking at the OW situation then, like a scab, it will bleed. I'd try to get past it if you can and look at what you have now not what happened before. It's easy for me to say, of course.

Ok you have to decide what YOU want to do and stick to it.

And then draw a line under this if you are going to forgive and forget.

You cannot forgive him but yet still harbour all this resentment, it will destroy you.

So if you want to be with him you have to tell him "this is it. I will not put up with this ever again".

And then you have to move on.

Dont get me wrong, he has a serious amount of repairing your relationship to do, after all it is not you that really has to get things back on track. It is him.

Or if you want to kick him out, do it.

But you cannot live in this middle ground forever or it will fester.

I have been where you are only slightly differently, OW pursued DH and he was stupid enough to be flattered by it and he didnt kiss her he slept with her.

our marriage was in a bad place and i suspect ironically enough without that might not have survived but like you we sorted things out on a practical level and it did seem to bring us closer together, i suspect because we had been so far apart and then had a common cause in making things work.

The hurt wont go away overnight it will be 3 years this october since our problems and i still occasionally feel hurt but fundamentally we are good again, i know he loves me, he knows one foot out of line will get him kicked out and he honestly claims to have learnt his lesson. DH is a good man who made a very stupid mistake at a bad time in our lives and i surprised myself by giving him a second chance but he knows there will be no more.

good luck

Caccooned, my situation is identical to Matumble except in our case I found out 6 months ago (hence name change) (via facebook - msg from OW exdh ) affair had been going on 4 months, he felt flattered by her, she paid him attention etc. Our marriage had been in a dire state - this was the wake up call we needed and although I would prefer it hadn't happened we were splitting gradually anyway. Since then things improved dramatically - she was history the day I found out, and we have both worked on the things that were making us resentful of the other, and we are prioritising each other. Can't pretend I don't have pangs occasionally but things are now so good between us on balance it is/was worth it.. (BTW we were down to very occasional functional sex, I was completely uninterested and going to bed early to avoid him - now those resentments are healed , sex nearly every day and both MUCH happier for it)

Thanks for all your messages...isnt it weird how something so horrendous can be so positive. She also was history from day I found out, demanded he cut all contact and delete all facebook (FECKIN facebook!!!!) and email/phone details etc. WOZshockednov...similar situation re sex,but wow thats good to know 6 months later! I used to also go to bed early etc. Glad you managed to repair your relationship in spite and because of it. It is worth remembering that it was a symptom and not a cause of a bad marriage. And toall the ealier brilliant advice,thanks,and yes I am drawing a line under it,have decided to forgive and now need to move on. Thats notto say I wont have wobbly days...whether kissed /slept with or had affair with,the hard part is the betrayal. BUT with time that will ease. And I agree festering on something will only add more poison and I wil not let it destroy what fundamentally was good.

Thanks everyone xx