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Original poster

I think I'm dumped but need some second opinions please

30 replies

HideMyPhone · 14/05/2010 16:43

I'm a single parent and have recently been dating a single dad. He made me feel wonderful - told me how serious he was about seeing me and he didn't want a fling, felt big connection, etc., etc. I even met his family.

To show how serious, he told his exDP about seeing me. She ended the relationship with him and walked out some 4 months ago. She'd told him their relationship was over some 18 months ago though! However, she has been wailing and crying and suddenly decided she wants him back! I was warned by people who know her to be cautious around her... rather an intense person apparently. Someone who went to school with her told me you went nowhere near whatever guy she was with because she was so jealous.

He and I had a date planned for earlier in the week and she sabotaged it, forcing him to cancel on me.

Now what? He said earlier in the week he wants to still see me but needs to get 'clearer waters' with her. Said he'd call but didn't, just texted. No call last night either. I sent him a light-hearted 'hey there' text this morning but no reply...

Have I been dumped? Shall I call him? I feel I deserve to know where I stand here. Have I been an absolute mug for believing his seemingly sincere affection for me?

My confidence is rock bottom. I hate being hurt like this particularly as it took some courage to build up the nerve to start seeing him in the first place. I feel like a fool...

OP posts:
FabIsGoingToGetFit · 14/05/2010 16:46

Why on earth did he feel the need to tell his ex he had a new girlfriend?

Forget whether you think he has dumped you, what do YOU want?

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 14/05/2010 16:46

And telling his ex he has a new girlfriend does not = he is serious about you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/05/2010 16:47

Would not bother anymore with someone like this man who clearly still has issues with an ex.

MuthaHubbard · 14/05/2010 16:48

you aren't a fool and yes you deserve some answers.

personally i would take a step back and give him some room to decide one way or another what he is going to do - een though it will be hard for you.

if he's only bee 'officially' single for 4 months he should really have a bit of head space anyway to sort out what he wants.

how long have you been seeing him for?

Original poster
HideMyPhone · 14/05/2010 16:48

I totally agree with you that he shouldn't have told her. He apparently wanted to be open about seeing me and no secrets - they're apparently on good terms

I really like him... he's perfect for me. We just completely clicked.

OP posts:
Original poster
HideMyPhone · 14/05/2010 16:48

Seeing him for 6 weeks.

OP posts:
MuthaHubbard · 14/05/2010 16:50

so he'd only been single for just over 2 months? i do agree with others that he still has issues and is far too soon after split with his ex.

do you think he might have told ex this to wind her up (if so he got the reaction he wanted)

Hassled · 14/05/2010 16:50

Hard to say if you've been dumped or if he's just having a bit of a wobble, but either way it all sounds way too complicated and hassley to be worth it. She'll never be out of the picture if she's the mother of his DC.

AndieWalsh · 14/05/2010 16:51

I'd back right off, to be honest. He is going through a messy break-up. He could well get back with her, but even if he doesn't, he is in classic rebound territory at the moment. He cannot possibly be in the right frame of mind to start another relationship.

purplepeony · 14/05/2010 16:53

Really feel for you.

what do you want to happen next?

I knowit will behard, but I'd try t otake a tep back and leave it to him. I think he does care for you but he has been thrown by her behaviour. The less you push the more likely he will come back...maybe just text him once and say you wait to hear from him when he's got himself sorted out- but meanwhile don't hold your breath.

overmydeadbody · 14/05/2010 16:54

Rebound territory for sure. Stay away.

Original poster
HideMyPhone · 14/05/2010 16:58

Thank you so much for al your brilliant advice. I think I'll do exactly what you suggested purplepeony...

It's just so frustrating. It's so hard to find the right man and I was starting to believe I had. I live in a rural area so not an abundance of men around tbh. I also got burned in my last relationhsip when I was dumped for having children. This has put me off seeing someone who doesn't have children.

Am I destrined to be alone forever? The carzy cat lady with no man?

OP posts:
Original poster
HideMyPhone · 14/05/2010 17:04

*destined

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 14/05/2010 17:09

Run away from this one. He's a whinyarse drama queen who will forever be tottering between you and the XP going 'Ooh it's so hard for me to chooooooose' by which he means 'Compete, girls, compete! Who can suck my dick better and obey my every whim more quickly?'
And, in general, remember that being single is much better than being in a crap relationship, and work on socialising in general - what hobbies do you have or would you like to pursue? Meeting people through a shared interest is always good.

anothermum92 · 14/05/2010 20:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
HideMyPhone · 14/05/2010 21:37

Thanks for the sound advice.

Still not heard from him... He's not the man I thought he was if he can't even spare me a phone call to let me know where I stand.

Twunt.

Sitting on my hands in a bid not to phone him!

anothermum - I know what you mean about not ruling out guys with no kids but I just don't want any more! Can't see a future with someone who might want me to have kids.

OP posts:
anothermum92 · 14/05/2010 21:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

SolidGoldBrass · 14/05/2010 22:09

HMP: as A92 says, there are plenty of men who don't want to have DC of their own but won't be put off by yours (including, for instance, men who know that they are sterile through accident or disease).
And your now XP sounds like a right whanger - if my original suppositions were wrong then he might be one of those appalling people who 'pride themselves on their honesty.' Such people should be pelted with dead fish - what they mean is 'I am a self-righteous bully who loves rubbing other people's noses in it.' There was no need for him to tell his XP that he was seeing someone else apart from to punish and distress her.

Original poster
HideMyPhone · 15/05/2010 10:14

SGB - I'm coming around to that way of thinking entirely. He had absolutely no reason to tell her about our date the other night... none whatsoever.

He texted last night - just saying he's still having a hard time of it. I haven't responded and don't think I'll bother. I'll leave him dangling for a bit... or am I being too 'teenage' about it all?! Oh man, you think a grown woman would be so over this!

Ta for advice - what would I do without mumsnet?
x

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 15/05/2010 10:39

Just ignore the whanger and he will go and find someone else to feed his ego by tormenting

hocuspontas · 15/05/2010 10:43

When something is important to you TALK to each other don't TEXT. The hours spent hand-wringing after an 'ignored' text are pointless and damaging to your self-esteem. If you haven't SPOKEN by tomorrow then CALL him. You will get more from a real 2 min conversation than 50 texts.

I hope it works out for you.

sungirltan · 15/05/2010 11:06

hey op. i'm afraid his behaviour is yelling BAGGAGE!!!

whatever he ends up doing i can tell you now it isn't about you - he is just emotionally free/single so don't waste any time wondering if you were/are good enough because he isn't adult emough to ring you up and tell you whats been going on

you did have the confidence to go out and meet someone new and you still do :-)

Nancy66 · 15/05/2010 11:27

if he told his ex about your date it's because he wants to use it as leverage to get back with her.

nighbynight · 15/05/2010 12:42

Dont phone him, and dont text. Try to go out in the evening, on another date if possible.
Regard him as a test run.

Earlybird · 15/05/2010 13:05

Sounds as if he hasn't got over being dumped by his ex, and still has feelings for her. He was moving on with his life (hence, the relationship with you...though it may have been a bit early to profess strong feelings for another person so soon after being dumped), but now he has been confused by her recent behaviour.

He evidently can't see how manipulative her actions are.

The only reason he should still be in contact with her is if they have dc together.

He is not emotionally free to be with you, imo. Move on, or tell him to come back when he is truly free to be in a relationship with another person.

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