Am I expecting to much?

[misstiggy]

I have never posted a thread on here before but have reached a stage in my relationship where I spend most of my time feeling angry or completely numb towards my husband and need some advice.
My husband and I have been married for nearly four years and have two daughters aged 2 1/2 years and 8 months. My husband is quite a bit older than me and I am relatively young still.
The problem is that we have been having problems in our relationship since our first DD was born. I feel that he has never pulled his weight with regards to childcare or housework. Essentially I do EVERYTHING. I do every aspect of the housework including all the food shopping and cooking. I also do everything for our children. He looks after them whilst I shower in the morning and he loads the dishwasher at night. This is it.
The problem has been magnified for me as he has been away on business for the best part of a month and I have realised how little difference there has been whilst he has been gone. Now he is back I am struggling to hide my annoyance at him.
I have tried to talk to him before. His inital reactions have been either that I exaggerate/nag him all the time or telling me that childcare/housework "is what women do". He also tells me all the time that he pays mortgage and bills and can do no more.
Please can anyone give any useful advice? I don't know if I am wrong to expect more from him? My thoughts are so clouded and I feel that I have no grasp anymore on what is acceptable or not. Thanks

He has no respect for you and thinks you are his skivvy. He doesn't love you because you don't expect the person you love to be your skivvy and you don't carry on behaving in a way which you know makes the person you love unhappy.

Sorry about that.

He seems to have very old fashioned beliefs about division of labour in marriage, was he like this before you had children?

I can understand why you feel so angry, it doesnt sound like he is very flexible in his attitude to this. From his point of view, is he feeling that his work is providing everything for the family so its reasonable to expect you to do it all? (its not btw, just trying to see it from his angle..)

Practically, can he afford to get you some support ie. a cleaner, babysitter etc? online supermarket shopping?

Emotionally, can you sit down with him and have a serios talk about how unsupported you feel? Tell him how you would like it to be?

I second pink:
let one of the bills be maid service!

Thanks pink I think you have hit the nail on the head. He does have very old fashioned views which, to be honest, I think stem from his parents and the example they have set for him.
On the practical side I have tried to make things as easy as possible ie online shopping but we can't really afford a cleaner. I wouldn't mind doing the housework if he could help a little more with the children ie give me time to catch up at the weekend by entertaining them for an hour.
I have, on numerous occasions, sat him down to talk but it always end in harse words from him, then an apology and a promise that things will change before they return to "normal" within days.

How about if you suggest that you each need a day (or even a half day?) off every week - he goes to work monday to friday so doesn't want to do childcare and housework at the weekend, but equally YOU do childcare and housework monday to friday, which is your job, so you could do with time off too?
Maybe he can agree to help out more at weekends so you both have time off 'work'?

You have tried explaining, reasonably, that you have a problem. You've expressed, reasonably, that you're unhappy. You have put forward a solution. He accepts your solution, but ignores it. Therefore he doesn't care whether you're unhappy and attaches no wreight to your solutions. This isn't good.

Assuming you're not ready (yet) to throw in the towel, I'd recommend putting the alternative of paid help to him, complete with costings. Make it realistic, cost-wise; don't stint. Point out that, as he believes his income suffices to cover all the aspects of running the household, the costs are necessary and justified. When he refuses, keep on with his comparative-labour theory and tell him you will now work only 8 hours a day, five days a week. Follow through.

Obviously this is a lot of hassle. It would b far simpler, and much more logical, to inform him he's surplus to requirements and ask him to stay away after his next trip.

It sounds like you can see the reasons he has these expectations so his challenge is to view things in a different way.

Dittany says he thinks its your job to service him and the family, and it sounds, from what you say, like he might. I think ItsGraceAgain's suggestion is a good one. If he never does anything then he doesnt know how hard you are working.

Pintandahalf makes an excellent point, you need some time off. Plus he needs to plan some family time, where you all spend time together doing enjoyable stuff.

He must address your concerns if he cares about the future of your marriage. If he continues to fob you off I think you will need to seek support to help you decide what you want for the future.

Oh love. Read this and then decide what you want to do.

I assume you are a SAHM

As such, can you ask him why his job lasts for 8 hours a day, whereas you job is expected to last for 24 (assuming you are/have been getting up in the night?)

If you are not clear on what is acceptable or not - it come down to this, really. He sounds like a pretty black-and-white guy - maybe he'll understand it in these terms?

Oh, and your job is weekends too ...