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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Advice needed, I have "It couldn't happen to me" syndrome

24 replies

chickenPsyc · 14/05/2010 13:54

NameChanged.

I have a student Psychologist and have studied the human mind, human behaviour, manipulation, anger, jealousy etc etc in depth over the years. I have also worked for Women's Aid and know all about gaslighting etc. Of course, with all this knowledge, it could never happen to me right? I'd spot it a mile away!
But yesterday I stood on the scales, sighed and got off telling DP I have only lost 1lb in weight, despite trying so hard. DP replies "I'm not suprised to be honest, I don't think you have been trying that hard really, I think you eat loads".
I considered this, became mortified at what a pig I am and walked away with my head hung in shame. Later, someone asked me what I'd had to eaten that day. I replied "a small bowl of special k for breakfast with a glass or orange juice. For lunch I had a chicken fillet with salad and for dinner I had a small plate of homemade spaghetti bolognese (the ammount you would maybe give to a 5 year old!). This person looked at me and said "and what else?" but that was it. That's all I had to eat all day. No snacks, no supper. Yet I'm sat there thinking I'm fat and greedy because DP told me so. The word gaslighting sprang to mind and oh my god, he's been doing it for months!!! "Your friends are not really friends, they're using you". "I'll meet you at 10am" (turns up at 10.30 saying he'd said 10.30 all along). He tells me I've said things when I haven't. I have questioned my own memory and even my own sanity on more than one occasion this year. How the hell did I not see this creeping up on me? And now, how do I deal with it? I just can't believe I am dealing with this shit in my personal life when I'm the one advising and helping others at work! It has made me question my ability in everything.

OP posts:

mumblechum · 14/05/2010 14:03

I have no idea what gaslighting is but it sounds like you're really fond of putting labels on behaviour which is not abnormal, however annoying, in any relationships.

thatsnotmyfruitshoot · 14/05/2010 14:10

Erm, that's not particularly helpful, mumblechum!

I do know about gaslighting and what you're saying does sound very familiar. Each isolated incident seems innocuous but all together it makes for an uncomfortable life. Unfortunately you probably also know that if someone's prone to this behaviour, there isn't a lot you can do to change it. You also know what the long term repurcussions of living with this kind of situation can be.

Don't beat yourself up about not spotting the signs, sometimes you're way too close to be objective about your own situation.

What are you going to do now you've recognised it?

pippop1 · 14/05/2010 14:27

Could he be genuinely experiencing memory problems and blaming it on you?

thisishowifeel · 14/05/2010 14:34

I have been the victim of extreme gaslighting. It's not funny and not something to be dismissed lightly. The problem with this stuff is the fact that it is SO INSIDIOUS AND SLOW. a DRIP, DRIP, DRIP.

I assume that you will have colleagues with whom you work to talk this over with.

I suppose you know the answer...he gets help, Lifeline, freedom or targetted therapy for his disconnection, or you leave. I'm assuming you have read all the books, maybe a re read?

A lot of assumptions there, I'm sorry. At least you HAVE spotted it. Will he take it on board?

dignified · 14/05/2010 14:44

You didnt see it because your not looking out for it ( why would you ) and as fruitshoot says, one incidant on its own doesnt start to ring alarm bells, its only when you look at it collectiveley it becomes obvious.

Unfortunateley your job does not make you immune , ive read many times of MH profesionals getting caught up in this, why wouldnt they.
As for dealing with it, you can either leave, or learn to be grounded and get to know yourself better so that others dont define your thoughts , experiences or reality for you without you even questioning it.

The problem with the above, is as your aware gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse, even if you challenge him and he stops, he is simply likeley to find another way to abuse you. You also know, its absoluteley nothing to do with you, its his problem and he owns it, not you.

mathanxiety · 14/05/2010 15:40

He's a bold one to try this out on someone he could expect to spot it from outer space.

Start a diary. When you see it all written down, and your feelings too if you can commit them to paper, you'll be better able to decide how to proceed.

ItsGraceAgain · 14/05/2010 17:53

Yes to diary; no to diet!

Poor you, you must be devastated. Now, please STOP with the "I should have seen it, I'm so crap" malarkey, because that's your damaged psyche talking. As you know, there's a fully-rounded, loving and capable woman in there too, frantically trying to be heard ... and she got through! Thank goodness!

You can discuss your own predicament with your colleagues, presumably? Go for it!
Please post back

dittany · 14/05/2010 18:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Conundrumish · 14/05/2010 18:16

Can someone please explain what gaslighting is? thanks.

SleepingLion · 14/05/2010 18:20

pinkpanettone:

Here

dignified · 14/05/2010 18:25

Ive read that book,( and many others !)While its good for identifying whats going on, i found the strategys for coping with it a bit much, i didnt feel i should have to employ strategys , or change my behaviour in order to prevent my partner from abusing me.

While its helpfull for some, it left me feeling a bit " Is THAT how i should have responded "? which in some ways made me feel that it was up to me to respond in a certain way in order to prevent the abuse, and its not. Each to their own though, and it is good for identifying whats going on.

Another good book is Living With The Dominater by pat craven. Its light hearted in places but is excellant and explains about the social sexist issues that cause this.

dizietsma · 14/05/2010 18:41

My mum has a PHD in Psychology. My stepfather was a very violent and abusive man. You're not immune OP, sorry.

macdoodle · 14/05/2010 19:10

Well, I'm a experienced GP, I advice women on domestic abuse all the time!
I was with my very abusive ex (emotional, verbal, physical, sexual) for 10 years!
Not till he attacked and tried to strangle me, and my best friend called the police, and a very kind patient policeman spent a long time taking my statement, and pointed out this was an abusive relationship, did I realise what it was
I always thought it was "passionate", "up and down", "difficult", "my fault, my fault my fault", if I just tried harder, loved him more, did more, lost weight, spent all my money on him, fucked him 6 ways friday, would things be better...it was never my fault, it was always him, and it took me a long long time to realise

macdoodle · 14/05/2010 19:12

oh and after that it actually took me the better part of 3 years to properley leave him, and another year to emotionally deatch and divorce him!

kittyonthebeam · 14/05/2010 19:20

for you macdoodle

horrified for you CP. Don't be hard on yourself, all those small incidents only make sense when you see the big picture and while you're being dicked around by him you couldn't be so objective...after all, you are in a relationship with him.

Focus on the future and a way out. I don't think there is a future for you with him. He won't change his ways and always being on guard is not a life worth living.

I hope you can get out of this quickly.

mathanxiety · 14/05/2010 19:36

Gaslighting is a process where someone tries to make you constantly doubt yourself and second guess yourself, trusting only his version of events, his version of who you are -- you end up becoming a shell of your former self as you really have all the life sucked out of you by this kind of abuse. You turn into a satellite of the person who is doing this to you.

It's accomplished by means of put-downs, contradictions of your opinions and pov, and attacks on your responses to the abuser. Someone who is being gaslighted will be accused of taking things too personally after being told she is fat, for instance, of being over-sensitive when she's told she can't cook, of not being able to accept criticism when she gets ripped to shreds over housework or how she deals with the children, of having no sense of humour when 'jokes' are made at her expense in public or in front of the children at home, of having friends or family who don't really care about you, they just want to use you or they're glad you finally met someone.. It goes on and on, but the effect is to turn you into someone who can barely function.

Conundrumish · 14/05/2010 19:40

wish I hadn't asked. Sorry to hear you are going thro' this OP

mathanxiety · 14/05/2010 19:48

MacDoodle -- when you're going through it, everything is always your fault, never his...

macdoodle · 14/05/2010 19:49

Yup, I can see it now, 4 years down the line
But I couldnt see it all when I was with him, not at all, and I am educated, intelligent, professional who deals with this at work!!

ItsGraceAgain · 14/05/2010 19:50

< if I just tried harder, loved him more >
... and that's what they get out of it, isn't it?
Bugger your needs, wishes, feelings & thoughts. Just keep trying harder ...

Anniegetyourgun · 15/05/2010 08:48

As I remember it, Macdoodle, and do correct me if I'm misrepresenting things, it wasn't even waking up to the abuse, nor his financial fecklessness that left you bailing him out again and again, nor his tendency to disappear leaving you with the children just when you most needed someone to look after them, that was the last straw. He was having a very in-your-face affair (with a total psycho, which is a whole other can of worms) and that was the thing that drove you apart! There's another newish thread on here with a similar theme: she's upset that he has a bit on the side, quite vindictive about it ("should I send their emails to HR" or some such), but the fact that he beats her up is mentioned sort of in passing and not considered to be a factor. The first reaction from an outsider is "He does what? Run away! Who cares who else he's shagging, he is a horrible shit." It does go to show how our values can get distorted, so we'll put up with any kind of ill-treatment in the name of luuurve.

On a flippant note, it brings to mind a Mad Magazine review of the James Bond films, many years ago. One girl says to another "That's James Bomb. I hear he has a licence to kill!" The other says "He also has a licence to make out. The British don't mind violence, but they're stuffy about sex." Ain't it the truth...

mathanxiety · 15/05/2010 16:06

It's like boiling a frog slowly.

msboogie · 15/05/2010 16:22

you really shouldn't beat yourself up about your not seeing what he was up to sooner. You see GPs who have unhealthy lifestyles, accountants who get into money trouble, your career doesn't give you 100% protection from normal human vulnerabilities.

If you went around looking out for signs of disordered personality in your partners you could accuse yourself of being tainted by your career.

He will have been aware of the challenge you presented and was probably operating on subtle mode for a long time, so it would have been hard to spot and even harder to react without seeming like you were overreacting.

the important thing isn't that you "let" it happen to you but that you do something about it when you recognise it. You'll be watching out for it now so I would imagine your self preservation instincts will lead you to a sharp exit very soon.

QueenofWhatever · 15/05/2010 16:40

I'm a clinical psychologist by background and spent seven years with an abusive man who did all this and more. You did spot it, I ended up hospitalised due to stress. Kicking yourself is a normal phase to go through, I'm past it and just pleased I got away. And as a psych, you will know it all relates to your childhood...

I agree with you about all that strategies stuff, why should you have to work at fixing it? Blunt I know, but you need to leave and completely cut him out of your life. It doesn't change, just escalates.

'Could he be genuinely experiencing memory problems and blaming it on you?' And mumblechum's comment

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