I dont know what to do!!!

[sadandfeellonely]

I have been with my DP for nearly 5 years and we have 2 beautiful DS's, but i have recently started feeling really sad and lonely, as i dont feel that he pulls his weight with the children and is leaving it down to me to always deal with them, and it is really getting me down!

I have tried telling him how i feel but it doesn't seem to get through his thick skull and i feel like i am nagging if i go on too much.

I really dont know what to do and feel like i am falling out of love with him, (but deep down i want to spend the rest of my life with him).

Please, can someone advice me on what i should do, i really don't want to go to my doctor for advice, but dont know what else i can do to make him understand how i am feeling! It is getting that bad that i am crying most of the day and my DS1 keeps asking 'why are you crying mummy?', but i can't tell him that daddy is making mummy sad!

At the moment i am sitting here on the computer looking for something to take for depression for that is how i am feeling, DEPRESSED!!!!

Sorry to hear you're feeling so down, especially at this time of night.

I'm assuming you've thought about PND?

Is it a possibility.

Also, all relationships have highs and lows, could this be one of those lows?

How about telling him again how strongly you feel, but change your approach so it maybe doesn't sound so much like nagging.
The articles say something like 'tell him you really like it when he thinks to whisk the hoover round', instead of ' you never do anything to help you bas*d', for example.

Are you feeling so bad you are thinking of leaving the relationship?

The way i have been felling recently, yes!

I do ask him to watch the kids while i tidy/cook/hoover, but end up having to come and see to them because he is to busy looking on the internet, or playing a game on his stupid xbox!

But i have never actually asked him to hoover/tidy/cook.

I am just feeling really run down and feel like i need a break and maybe have a night out but that is hard coz i am bf my DS2 who is 13 weeks old now!

I feel like i am at wits ends and don't know what to do to try and get him to help me!

He has seen me crying recently and asked what was the matter and when i told him i feel run and coz i dont get much help from him, his reply is 'well, i work full time!'
What kind of FU$*ING excuse is that???

I dont really want to see my doctor but if this is gonna last a long time then i think i will need some anti-depressents to help me cope a bit better, coz there are times that i feel like giving up on everything, (even my own children!)

It sounds like PND is kicking in here. Of course you're knackered with a new baby.

You have to remember men don't think like us. We are programmed to multitask and cope with a million things at once, even if it does run us into the ground doing them.

Men can compartmentalise things. He's done his days work - that's in that little box, he comes home, this little box tells him it's his off duty time etc. He doesn't realise what you've been going through during the day.

This man needs to be told seriously how things are.

Perhaps in the cold light of day, or at least when he comes home tomorrow for example, try and be calm and appear strong, even if you're not feeling it.

Look him squarely in the face and tell him just how bad you feel, what he needs to do to help and the consquences of him not helping.

Can I ask why you're so adamant about seeng the Doc. Loads of women get help from them if it is PND contributing to this.

I spoke to my doctor a couple of weeks ago and he said that he thinks i am struggling with 2 children being close together in age, so he refered me to surestart and i am still waiting to hear from them or him again!

He didn't think it was pnd, even though i told him that it had been going on for a while, before my DS2 was born!

And this just seems to be making me feel even worst!

But i felt the relationship was at a dead end before i found out i was pregnant again! (it wasn't a planned pregnancy), but wanted to try and make things work because i want my children to be happy!

I have told him time and time again about how i have been feeling, even to the stage where i am crying y eyes out and have to pick up DS2 and walk out because he don't seem to listen to what i am trying to tell him!

Again, things at this time of night seem 100 times worse.

You need to think about what you want to do then.

Do you have family or other support if you do decide to leave?

If you left temporarily or asked him to do, would this convince him you need help.

Would his actions feel so bad if you weren't so low with the new baby?

So many questions but just trying to help you see through the fugginess.

Could you go back to the Doc and say things have got a lot worse and ask for immediate help in the way of medication etc.

I've got to go to bed now my friend. I do so hope you can get some rest tonight and wake up with some clearer thoughts.

I can natter again tomorrow, or anytime. Thinking of you.

I think i will go to bed and see how i'm feeling in the morning!
I don't think i've had more than 5 hours sleep in 1 night since DS2 was born coz i have to get up and see to DS1 who is 2.9, i try to get a lay in at the weekend but have to get up coz DP wont get out of bed to give DS1 his breakfast! And if i try to have a nap during the day, i always seem to get disturbed.

I would ask my family or DP's family to help but they live about 2 hours away from us and i dont drive so would have to bus it to them if i wanted a break!

Anyway, thanks for advicing me and i will let you know how i am feeling in the morning after i manage to do everything else i have to do!

I have asked him to leave when DS1 was about 9 months old because of the same reasons, and he ended up apologising and promising to change if i would take him back!
Well surprise, surprise, it's all happening again!

But as you said, it could be pnd, (i didn't suffer with pnd with DS1), so i'm not sure if this could be it???

But i am gonna go to bed now and try to have a lay in in the morning coz i think i deserve 1!

Will let you know how i feel tomorrow!

Thanks for your advice

I am that tired i repeated myself a few times in last message!

Hi, Just to say 'morning' and hope you are OK.
How are things this morning?

Just bumping this up to see how you're feeling sad andlonely. Hope you've had a better day today. Hi to fimbelle as well.

dear sadandfeellonely

it's not pnd there's nothing wrong with you, there's sonmething wrong with your husband!

Have you tried pointing out that he's missing out on his kids growing up? If he won't get involved isn't he missing out on the love and fun as well as the hard work?

He might be working full time, that's nothing your working double full time. Going to work is easy compared to having kids.

No wonder you're so upset. Do you have any other support? I found local support groups helped, I made some new friends. Also do you know about parentline? Their number is 0808 800 2222. It's a 24 hour support line they can listen and it's been a lifesaver for me a few times!

You said something that struck me in your post
'i am crying my eyes out and have to pick up DS2 and walk out because he don't seem to listen to what i am trying to tell him'
I am wondering if he is not doing much with the children because you allow him to get away with it. Do you ever just leave him with the children and let him get on with it and discover just what it takes to look after them? May be worth doing both to give you a bit of an escape and also give him chance to get to understand what his children need.

Dear sadandfeellonely

Just wondering how you're feeling now, has anything changed?

I'm struggling a bit at the mo. My dh is fairly good with the housework, but he never ever baths our dd, or puts her to bed, or gets up in the night, or changes her nappy. Basically he just plays with, gives her dinner. I don't mind so much cos he does other things, but I would like a change sometimes, looking after dd is very hard on my back, now she's 10 mth and so strong and wriggly!

He does go out one or two nights a week, so he gets a break, but I never get to do that! Also, I never get to catch up on my sleep, and she wakes up a lot (I'm working on this). I feel like he expects me to do more and more in the day and not complain. some days I hardly sit down all day or eve, then I'm up in night. I know he works hard, but accuses me of lying or exaggerating how hard it is for me.

I think he doesn't love me anymore because I'm often tired and stressed and he doesn't enjoy my company. I feel betrayed when I most need his support. I know it sounds paranoid but I think he doesn't want me anymore now he's got our dd to love. He gets impatient with me a lot. I think he wants to have fun with our dd, but not have his life changed too much.

He moans about the washing up, and about not being able to play his guitar enough, which he plays for probably at least an hour every day! To me that's an absolute luxury! There's no time for me or anything I'd like to do. He babysits when I'm doing housework, going to work, or have an appointment. I've had one night out since my dd was born and he was really angry with me for being half hour late back, and i was relying on someone else for a lift.

He talks to me with contempt quite often, tells me off for going shopping with our dd, or having a day out, and for moaning, but then moans himself. It's got to the point where I don't even want to waste my energy trying to sort it out, if it wasn't for our dd, I would leave him.

Sorry this is such a long rant, don't expect this helps you! I think it's hard for men to understand, no-one can understand what it's like to be a mum, unless you've been through it. Has anyone been through something similar and been able to sort it out with their dp/dh without having to split up?

On a more positive note, just remembered I've got a Relate book called "Baby Shock" which I lent to a friend a while ago, it has some exercises in to try, to help you understand each other better and improve communication. It talks about how your relatioship is affected by having a baby, how you're affected in different ways etc. Think I got it from NCT catalogue. I'll have to get it back and read it again! Might be worth a try.

sorry to say this but your men dont seem good enough for you. i know you dont want to split from them because of your children, but surely you would rather see your children happy spending time with there parents seperated than all living together with the arguing. children pick up on there parents not being happy.

i can remember my parents arguing all the time by the time i was 14 i had heard this every night for 10 years - not nice. they would wake my sisters and brother with there constant arguing causing them to be scared. i was the one left to settle them and tell my parents to shut up.
at the age of 14 i started to suffer badly from depression, i remember then telling my parents how unhappy they made us and that it would be better if they split which they did. only a little while later they admitted they were only together for us kids. personally i wish they never bothered. im now 19 with 3 of my own kids and would never stay with someone for the kids. my parents are still seperated and my sisters and brother are alot happier.

so i just want to say sorry this is long and i know you are thinking about your kids now but think about how they will be affected in the future. hope this helps.

Thanks for that, it's good to hear it from the other perspective.

I guess I'm hanging on partly because I'm hoping it's just the strain of having a baby and that things will improve. My dh's parents split up when he was 13 and it devastated him. even now I think he's still angry about it.
You're right though it's not good for dd to see us unhappy, although we do try to hide it from her as much as we can.
Are you a single mum or with dp?

Also I don't know if I can cope without him, I'm struggling already when he's away at work for 24 hr. We've not much family support. How do you cope with three kids?

missycantstop, sorry you've had such a tough time. Sounds like you've been really brave.

hi sorry went away for the night.could it be poss that you are finding it hard to cope because of the situation between yourself and the other half? also you cant hide your feelings forever from you child she will eventually pick up on it.
i have a partner, he is fantastic. all my kids are from different fathers. he is a perfect dad to all 3 kids.
my partner is also my husbands brother (just awaiting divorce)

hi all,

things are a lot better now, we sat down without the children and had a big long chat about things that were on our minds, and things have been a lot better since then. Hopefully it will stay like this now, and if either of us have a problem we have to sit and talk, rather than keeping it all inside!

Thanks for everyone listening to me when i was going through a rough time and i hope things work out or others who are having a dificult time in there relationships!

glad things are better for you now, things are a bit better for us, mainly because I've got dd to sleep through, so I feel a bit more hopeful and sane. Also just had a holiday.

We're still disagreeing a lot and criticise each other a lot, but get on ok in between.

I'm having counselling at the mo which is helping me get a clearer view. Got free 10 sessions, referred from GP.

glad things are better for you now, things are a bit better for us, mainly because I've got dd to sleep through, so I feel a bit more hopeful and sane. Also just had a holiday.

We're still disagreeing a lot and criticise each other a lot, but get on ok in between.

I'm having counselling at the mo which is helping me get a clearer view. Got free 10 sessions, referred from GP.

oops posted twice! Not with it this time of night