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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dh wants to spend his only day off on his boat

25 replies

Haveaseat · 14/05/2010 07:41

Dh asked well kinda that he was going to spend his day of working on his boat

the last family day we had was last week but before that it was a month! He was either working or doing much needed things around the house.

I feel very resentful that he not spending it with dcs and me. he works all the time and I just get so lonely and feel like only parent. Ds 3.5 is very emotional at mo and always crying for his dad!!

I suppose I should have posted this in aibu cos suppose that is what I am asking.

OP posts:

GabrieleJ · 14/05/2010 08:08

That must be really hard for you... Could you explain to him how you feel... I don't think that fair on you and the kids... I'm sorry i can't give real advice just didn't want to leave your post unanswered...

hedwig06 · 14/05/2010 08:29

No your not being unreasonable, I have another thread with exactly this subject, my DH works long hours and feels its perfectly acceptable to work 7 days a week 7-5, then taking an hour to get home so he's in at 6pm every night.

I have a 3.5 DS also so know how you feel he is very demanding at the moment, I also have 3 other DC.

No words of advice I just wanted to reply that I know how you feel and you have my sympathy

hf128219 · 14/05/2010 08:31

Is the boat at home or moored somewhere?

Original poster

Haveaseat · 14/05/2010 08:32

Thx gabrielej, we have just had a chat with me crying all the way through and he says I am being unreasonable and it's not fair to make him feel guilty for wanting time to do something else apart from working and kids!

OP posts:

Original poster

Haveaseat · 14/05/2010 08:34

X posted sorry! His boat is at his friends house. Thx for ur comments.

OP posts:

hf128219 · 14/05/2010 08:35

Ah, I see. It if was moored somewhere I was going to suggest going with him/making a day of it.

GabrieleJ · 14/05/2010 08:59

What about you? If he's working all the time and then wants time to himself what time do you get to do what you want???
He's being selfish and you have to be every now and then but if his children are crying for him cos they miss him, how can he not feel guilty???

Original poster

Haveaseat · 14/05/2010 09:08

Well he said and he is right I get to go to weight watchers and the gym for an hour two times a week
and he doesn't get anytime. Except when he goes
round his friends not that often or when his friend comes to ours quite often!

I don't know hate playing tit for tat!! I think I'll try and change my weight watcher to a work day lunch break and then that will free up an evening when he isn't working for him to do something !

OP posts:

GabrieleJ · 14/05/2010 09:13

Good luck

expatinscotland · 14/05/2010 09:20

so you're gone 2 hours/week.

that's not the same as a whole day.

if he's going to go the whole day, then i suggest you hit the gym in the evenings a similar amount of time and tab it up the way he does.

Original poster

Haveaseat · 14/05/2010 09:31

Well I go to gym for 1 hr twice a week and travel to and fro be about 3!!
Move weight watchers hour to workday!!
Then stay at gym all night for sauna and steam!!
Like ur thinking expati dont think he will care he will just sleep on sofa all evening prob won't even notice or have his mate round!

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 14/05/2010 09:39

what about your dc....when does he spend any time with them??

Original poster

Haveaseat · 14/05/2010 09:48

Alternative mornings and before they go to bed! He works close so is home before bed.

OP posts:

Andy1964 · 14/05/2010 11:14

You may not want a fellas reply to this.

We DO neet time out now and again. It's nothing personal, nothing to do with the kids or you.

He works hard, he has a long commute, most of the weekends are spent on general maintainance in the house.
Sounds like me.

My DW often feels like a single parent too.

When do think he can possibly spend some time with the whole family?

Is it possible for him to take DC with him as a treat/adventure?
I know he is only 3 1/2 but it's not impossible, he may get less done than he planned but he would still get ime on his boat and spend time with DC.
He could take some games/toys/colouring etc with him to keep DC occupied.

Let him go, give him a break, after, plan a family weekend.

Original poster

Haveaseat · 14/05/2010 11:41

Hi andy thanks for response. I know he is working hard we work together albeit I'm part time. He doesn't get weekends off just one day a week if that!

I do appreciate he needs time off too. My tine off is work 2.5 days a week and a couple of sessions at gym! Have suggested before take DS but he honestly can't this time as his friends son has impetigo.

I have moved my weight watchers and that means will free up a whole evening not interspersed with my hr t ww meeting. And I'm gonna try and be a bit more lenient of that's the right word!

I also know we all need time as a family as well! Trying to book a holiday as well so we can have some quality time together.

Thx andy a blokes view is appreciated!

OP posts:

warthog · 14/05/2010 11:51

well it doesn't seem like an unreasonable request to work on his boat for a day when you're off to the gym for 3 hours a pop, twice a week every week.

tit for tat is horrible, but so is never having a chance to be yourself and do what you really really want. let him have this chance and then you will have an opportunity too.

Original poster

Haveaseat · 14/05/2010 12:21

Warthog - No I go for one hr twice a week about 3 hrs total with travel!

He can of course go and I'm not going to cause anymore fuss about it!

Thx

OP posts:

fyimate · 14/05/2010 12:28

I think dads are pressured alot these days to work, bring home enough money AND spend time with the family, maybe he just needs time alone? Try asking him if he cant involve the family in his hobby?
It sounds like he tries hard and maybe you need to cut him some slack just this once? Give him this day off but say next time he needs to spend it with the family? You have to try not make him feel too pressured, men break under too much stress and sometimes do bad things...

SexyDomesticatedDad · 14/05/2010 12:35

Trying to find time to finish off my boat - been in rented garage next door for too long. rying to get all the DIY jobs done here - finding new solution is to get local unskilled helpers in to do some of the basic work.

There is presuure on time and trying to balance it all out. DW not interested in sailing.

sethstarkaddersmum · 14/05/2010 12:39

Having a boat that needs any kind of maintenance is really hard when you've got little dcs - we've not managed it yet. People we know who have done it successfully have been those who have managed to combine working on boat with looking after children at least some of the time. (eg our friend who allowed his dds to play with his tool box - perhaps not one to copy!)
It must be really hard for both of you with your dh only having one day off a week.
I am sure you can work out a compromise, like he works on the boat for half a day, or only does it once a month. Can't he go and do it in the evenings?
You need to talk to him about how you do understand he feels he needs some time to himself and you support that but the way things are at the moment he can't necessarily have as much as he wants....

sethstarkaddersmum · 14/05/2010 12:40

how much work needs to be done? Is he just trying to fit in a few days work to get it ready for sailing this season, or is it a much longer project?

warthog · 14/05/2010 13:04

my view is:

providing your dh generally pulls his weight, and isn't an arse, making sure that he gets some time to do his own stuff will pay back major dividends. and providing he doesn't take advantage, it will benefit you: having a much happier dh who is much more likely to look after your interests too.

i'll scratch your back if you scratch mine.

this sort of thing helps contribute to a healthy, happy marriage.

paisleyleaf · 14/05/2010 13:16

Is that boat going to be something you can all be enjoying when it's fixed up?
My DH was a bit like this with our VW camper - sometimes these projects just are like this, and it's a good time of year to get on with it. (It was better for us though as it was at our own property, rather than him going off somewhere else to work on it).
Thing is, as a family, you might all miss the boat if the work doesn't get done.

Original poster

Haveaseat · 14/05/2010 18:49

Thx everyone we have had several chats today about it and we both realise that neither of us really get time to ourselves and that we do need it!

We know we need to work out some solution so we can manage to spend time as family and as a couple and on our own.

For now we have decided on a family holiday which I'm hopefully going to book tommorrow and we will have to work on the rest tomtry and preserve both our sanitys!!

Thank you v much for comments and helping me think over from all sides.

Think mn is brill!! Sometimes you just need to talk to other people without blowing it out of proportion!

OP posts:

warthog · 14/05/2010 21:21

i also think it's very good for your kids to see you doing other things that you enjoy, stimulate you and you work HARD on. it makes them realise that you have a life of your own, you are your own person not just mummy, and that it's good to have diverse interests. also that being part of a family means you get exposed to things (other people's hobbies) that might not be your cup of tea, but widen your horizons nonetheless.

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