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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I really can't be arsed to date atm- anyone else feel the same?

27 replies

poshsinglemum · 13/05/2010 22:23

I'v e just realised how happy I am atm without a man. i am over my crush and feel sooo much more relaxed. I just want to have fun. I guess it's because I've had some bad experiences with men and am truly happier doing my own thing rather than with someone holding me back.
I don't miss sex that much but I guess it would be quite nice to have a cuddle. I have dd and I am smitten with her. Not much room for anyone else atm. Feels great!

Someone asked me if I had a pertner at work today and when I said I didn't he gave me a pitying look.. Why am I to be pitied for not having a man? I just feel like I have no room in my life for one.

Am I abnormal.

OP posts:
poshsinglemum · 13/05/2010 22:25

I am also fed up with being hurt and I feel that dd gives me all the unconditional love taht I need.

OP posts:
pinemartina · 13/05/2010 22:46

Sounds lovely,well done - and very grown up too!!!

I aspire to join you in the near future and am on the way...

Be proud and allow yourself to really enjoy life with dd ..

Maybe the work person was jealous of your evidently stress-free life,in comparison to who-knows -what in his relationship..

I think strong ,happy women who dont need a man can be seen as quite threatening to some possibly weakly defended men - and women...

(Only thing I worry about is my libido returning...but I'll have to learn to cope....)

Good luck!

DONTtouchMUMSspecialJUICE · 13/05/2010 22:50

when people ask if you have a partner.

make a cats bum face.

and go

"no no... too much fun to be had, cant be doing with one of them"

Meglet · 13/05/2010 22:54

I don't think you're abnormal. Better to be happy and single than put up with second best

ninah · 13/05/2010 22:57

good for you posh
but be aware some people find this intimidating
and also when you are at your happiest and freest is when you meet one
just to warn you
I feel like this too

SolidGoldBrass · 14/05/2010 00:57

I've been single for years and it's fab. I have lots of friends and the knowledge that I can get a shag when I want one, and that suits me down to the ground.

TopsyKretts · 14/05/2010 01:35

I would be wary of sinking all your emotional needs into your child(ren). Are you taking any steps to deal with your feelings from past relationships to make sure you don't have lingering issues?

SolidGoldBrass · 14/05/2010 10:02

Topsy: That might be a point worth considering for some but some of us would never have dreamed of sinking all our emotional needs into a couple-relationship either. Life for a single parent isn't just a choice betwen desperately chasing heteromonogamy and unhealthy, lonely, total dependence on one's DC.

baublesbanglesandbeads · 14/05/2010 11:09

I thought I was happy being on my own and had started to tell people that I wasnt interested in finding anyone else. Then...... the most gorgeous man contacted me on zoosk and that was 12 days ago and weve seen each other every day and im so scared yet im so happy. Just thought I would share that. Im bursting really and want to scream from the rooftops, but that would just be silly at my age

sincitylover · 14/05/2010 11:34

yes pretty happy not dating or having a partner at the moment.

Life's very full. Like a bit of sex here and there - not with random strangers though.

But otherwise fine.

I work full time M-F, my weekends are largely spent taking dcs to sports activities.

I do go out and socialise when I can and can't really keep up with friends as it is.

I do have some good male and female friends I can lean on every now and then.

No family close by.

I am on two dating sites but largely receive email from munters or rather

Did date someone for about six months last year but he turned out to be rather strange and didn't show much interest in meeting dcs so the relationship couldn't move forward.

Had the dcs not liked him he would have been dropped like a stone.

Also I know some people disagree with that point of view (reading on another thread) and that if you make a choice your dcs just should lump it - it's nothing to do with them
but in my own case I feel that my dcs have been through enough with the split, divorce and their dad meeing new partner and having dts (all within two years) I would not inflict a 'stranger' on them. And I haven't really got the energy to work at blending a family and possibly trying to mediate between my hormonal teenager, my younger son wwho is very close to me and a new bf.

have seen friends in that situation and it's nnot an easy situation.

Of course I have needs etc but imo my children's needs are more. If an exceptional man comes along so be it and i will eat my words but in the meantime I am happy with the way things are.

sincitylover · 14/05/2010 11:36

woop 'munters or rather odd men - had one this week asking me if I like erotic mail'

sincitylover · 14/05/2010 11:37

And I do think that too many people prize the couple relationship as the holy grail without even really thinking deeply about it.

TopsyKretts · 14/05/2010 14:20

SGB: I am sure you are right. I don't think a romantic relationship is the be-all and end-all: I'm not sure why you inferred that from what I said though?

SolidGoldBrass · 14/05/2010 16:56

TK: Because your post seemed to read as though not having a partner is what would lead to an unhealthy emotional dependence on DC.

TopsyKretts · 14/05/2010 16:59

Oh no- I was referring to the OP's "I am fed up with being hurt". It sounded like something was unresolved to me.

TopsyKretts · 14/05/2010 17:00

I mean to say that it's fair enough to not be interested in dating, but if it comes from an attitude of "All men are bastards", then it doesn't sound healthy to me.

HideMyPhone · 14/05/2010 17:03

Oh, Posh, I really, really want to be like you when I grow up (see my 'have I been dumped' thread)...

I hate being alone - I try really hard not to but I just do!

Wish I could learn how to enjoy it!

elastamum · 14/05/2010 17:12

Hi Posh, sounds like you are in a good place. Am single too and happy, though have started dating again. not sure that I am not happier when not dating though, cant make up my mind on that one!

MitsubishiWarrioress · 14/05/2010 17:23

Could do with a 'friend with 'benefits'' at the moment.

Have a nice balance with the DC's and am nowhere near needing a relationship, but having always had a healthy sex drive struggle with that side of things.

Not sure what the line would be though having never really been there... and I don't want the DC's to be aware so not a good start to initiating anything.

poshsinglemum · 14/05/2010 20:18

I have loads of supportive mates so no need to burden dd with emotional baggage. She goes to a child minder and has many others in her life so it is quite healthy and balanced.
Yes there are some unresolved hurts but I'd rather sort them out before I start dating again than lumbering some poor fool with them.
I don't think that all men are bastards at all. Just the one's I've chosen in the past and I need to sort out why I choose that kind of man. I have some lovely male friends. I am quite cynical about this holy grail of marriage business but i would also like to tie the knot one day if I meet the right guy and if I don't it's not the end of the world is it? Some of my mates are having an awful time in their marriages and it makes me shudder.

OP posts:
Supercherry · 14/05/2010 20:25

I've got a really good friend with benefits- it's called a vibrator.

There was a saying I used to use often in my teenage years: 'Vixens need vibrators- girls start your engines'.

No idea where it came from. Always makes me snigger.

poshsinglemum · 14/05/2010 20:29

I've got a brilliant vibrator- I just hardly ever feel the need to use it! Mabe I am wierd!

OP posts:
Supercherry · 14/05/2010 20:32

Course you're not weird. It's good that you're happy being single- it's a nice place to be emotionally.

I'm in that place too right now- after 10yrs of shit relationships.

I don't trust myself when it comes to choosing the right men either.

poshsinglemum · 14/05/2010 20:52

I'm fed up with all the dating shit too. The uncertainty, the analysing every text, the having to let him chase and choose, the getting close only to find that he buggers off, the boredom of waiting for a man when I could just get on with it and enjoy life. I think that this is the way for me atm.
I also hate being controlled and a lot of men are quite controlling.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 14/05/2010 20:57

Mitsubishi: try either swingers' clubs or something like Adult Friend Finder if you want friendly, no-strings sex.

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