Practical stuff when marriage ends....

[TheFutureMrsClooney]

I've finally got through to DH that our marriage is over (after 24 years) and that I want to separate after DD's exams. He has persistently refused to discuss our situation, just walks out of the room, so as ever I'm going to have to be the adult.

We cannot afford to keep our house because we have substantial debts as well as the mortgage so I've had it valued and will put it on the market next month. I imagine our two DDs will be with me most of the time and want to make sure that the division of money allows me to put a reasonable deposit on a much smaller house.

I was thinking of using mediation to try to come up with a fair agreement on finances and contact but not sure what I should do.

I've looked at the resolution site (thanks, Mumblechum) and the mediation website, both of which direct me to the same local solicitor. However, I thought that mediation was separate to the legal process and potentially cheaper.

If the past 24 years are anything to go by, DH will just trot along to the appointments and not speak. I want to keep things as amicable as possible particularly considering he doesn't want this and we?re going to have to live together until the house is sold. It would be very out of character for him to be openly awkward but he's extremely good at the passive-aggressive controlling (thanks for the diagnosis, WWIFN).

What's my first step? I really need to keep the momentum now I've finally made him understand (and I feel so much more positive about life)

As I understand mediation is just an aid to help couples agree more amicably regarding splitting of assets, access to children etc. Having a third party present to help smooth over any difficulties, they can not advise on how you should proceed, just give impartial assistance in a distressing process.

It has no legal basis and you would still need solicitors to draw up any legally binding orders.

I have no idea how much mediation costs.

The other alternative is Collaborative Law, where each party has their own legal representative and the four of you discuss a way forward that is agreeable to both parties. It is legally binding but doesn't have a judge making decisions for you at the end. You have control.
This is possibly a more costly option but aims to be less traumatic.

As I say this is what I understand, more knowledgable people will help I'm sure.

Thanks, I'm trying to keep both costs and trauma down...

Wikivorce has a calculator www.wikivorce.com/divorce/Divorce-Calculator.html which I used to work our split out.

We went for a very simple answer. We didn't involve pensions. We paid off every debt and added to the mortgage (or offset it if you can't do that) so we had an asset (equity) and a debt (mortgage) and split both 50/50

Same thing gave me child maintenance.

We tweaked it until it felt fair and viable and that's what we went with. Courts accepted it written into a consent order. Court fee to have it made legal £40. Fixed price to have it drawn up £149

Thanks Victoria, that's very helpful.

I found the calculator a bit complicated as a lot of the expenses are unknown until we actually separate.

Your costs seem very reasonable!

Did you use a solicitor to draw up the agreement? I think I'm going to have to bite the bullet and at least have one appointment.

I never saw a solicitor
I used a fixed price consent order for a legal bod to draw up the consent order. TBH it was a rip off and I ended up using his template and writing in my own detail.

I used the calculator several times with lots of possibilities to get ideas. I guessed at figures and this helped us make decisions pre separation. Each decision taken gave us more of a fact to deal with and in the end it all came good.

It seems a mountain. Take it step at a time.

Thanks, you're right about the mountain!

Strangely, I'm feeling happier with each step I take even though I know things are going to get difficult.

First stage was getting the house valued - I felt very sad but have started to detach from it already.

Today I made an appointment with a local firm of solicitors who specialise in mediation and collaborative law. I just want to get an idea of what would be a fair split of our assets so I can draw up something with DH that we both feel happy about. Our daughters are mid-teens. I've already calculated the maintenance he would be expected to pay for them but he has a pension, I have none, I earn about £1000k a month less than him, I put down the deposit on our first house etc and I'm not sure where I stand with the equity. It's a ridiculously expensive area but I would like to minimise the mortgage I have to take out.

He has never got involved in anything financial/legal in his life so he's going to struggle even more than me.