Any tips on keeping my marriage going?

[ChurchFarmHouse]

Can anybody pass on any good tips to me on how to keep my marriage going? We have been together 12 years, married 7, with a 3 year old daughter and 7 month old son.
I feel we have been growing apart for a while, maybe since DD was born. We bicker quite a lot, are always playing the "I'm more tired than you" game and generally have little to say to each other in the evenings. I'm on mat leave at the moment, finding it hard generally. I just feel that we need to try and salvage our relationshiop . Whenever I bring this up, he says "it's all about you," eg if I weren't so moody, grumpy etc, we'd be fine. He says "just tell me what you want me to change," which I feel is such a cop out. I feel very guilty all the time about this, as if it is all my fault.

Maybe we need to go out on dates or something. Just wondered if anybody had any good ideas to help us out. Separating seems more and more likely as the weeks and months go on.

counselling?

separating seems drastic given what you describe?

Have you got someone who can look after the kids for an evening and like you said go on a date? Try and recapture the way you were before kids if only for a night will help.Then you can try and make it a regular event, just the two of you.

My DH and I were very like this and he ended up having an affair cos he was so unhappy!

Talking is the important thing and being honest without putting blame on each other.

Well done for actually wanting to do something to change before it's too late.

I'm in the same boat. Slightly older children but husband seems to be having a mini-crisis. Think he feels too much responsibility/overworked/probably some young childless woman catchinig his eye. Had one night out, first in years (honestly), it was good but things have gone back to normal. Mental MIL doesn't help.

I'm aiming to meet up with friends from our childless days together - I think we both seem more attractive to each other when we are interacting with other people, and it avoids that awful 'silent couple sitting in a restaurant' thing. Could you try that? Easier said than done with 2 kids though, isn't it?

I think 12AngryBees' idea is a really good one - takes the pressure off the whole 'we are going on a date to recapture the romance' thing.

A few years back, I bought this book which is very good at helping you identify patterns in the way you interact. DH and I found quite a bit of food for thought in it. Even if you couldn't get your DH to read it, it might help you clarify your thoughts on why it's not 'all about you' (which is a total cop out) and what he needs to change as well as what you do.

Thanks so much for all your advice - I feel much more positive now. Will try out your ideas and stick my fake tan back on again to feel better! x

I wouldn't call them 'date nights' but a regular night out just the two of you really helps. I don't think the relationship sounds too terrible, just stuck in a rut with two little ones. Counselling if it is your thing, taking time to do things together, and keeping going knowing you will get more time together in the future might all help. Looking after yourself and going out with friends is also great advice. Have fun!