Am I pathetic to feel hurt?

[honeymoonmum]

OK an update to my post yesterday-'my husband doesn't want me when Im pregnant'

Confronted him re finding porn on his phone and his emotional detachment from me.

He admitted he had been detached and tol dme how much he loves me, just no good at showing it. Re porn - apologised but said he is a man and has needs (fucking hate that line) to which I replied I am a human being with needs it's a shame I can't download some love and affection onto my phone.

I am now left feeling so hurt and rejected by the porn thing.

I know people are really split in their opinions on porn but I just HATE him looking at it particularly when he is non sexual with me. I just feel threatened and hurt and rejected. He knows I feel like this as every time I catch him (about 3 times now) I cry for days and try to explain how hurt I feel. I know it's just an image and he does love me but it just undermines my confidence and makes me feel not good enough.

How can I get over my distress and hurt???? Someone tell me I'm being stupid. Is it my problem not his?????

I think if he is aware of how upsetting you find it (him looking at porn) and still continues to access it knowing this, then he is being a complete nob

Sorry you feel so shit

Didn't read your previous thread, just wanted to say you are NOT being stupid. I hate porn too, and would be equally gutted.

Please don't discount your feelings.

How can I get over my distress and hurt????
Emotional disconnect-you said it yourself.

Someone tell me I'm being stupid.
You are not being stupid. You (as everyone) have boundaries for your relationship and he has crossed one of them.

Is it my problem not his?????
I think your problem is whether or not you will cave in to your standards. This is not acceptable to you, or, you are a doormat. (Please don't be a doormat.)

The "needs" excuse-sorry, but (edit something about uncivlilzed beasts _)...it would be tempting to say turn around and run up the credit cards (women have needs, too) but that would create another set of problems. Can't he tie flys or collect baseball cards to fill his spare time?

One, two, three times? My gut feeling on the continuation of known hurtful behavior is that it may be about hurting you, rather than the porn, unless you have evidence that he is a sex addict. (Sorry, I have not read your other thread.) The continuation and letting you 'find out' is a banner shouting: "I do not respect you". It is a challenge: you are pg, after all, what the hell can you do about it? He is betting on nothing.

You would not be too far off the right track, imho, to regard this as a red flag for your relationship. It may be temporary-but having a newborn will have its own set of stresses and ... well, expect more of the same. I question the maturity level of your husband.

I may be wwaaaaay off base, so
I will go and read your other thread....

Thank you-nice to know I'm not alone - seems most women accept it's 'normal' for their men to want to get off looking at other people's sordid acts. My husband seems to constantly access pics/vids of women giving bj's - no female parts in the pic at all just a huge massive c**K. When i asked if he was gay (always viewing more of male anatomy than female in his preferred filth) he said 'maybe i do it coz I feel guilty about looking at other women as I know you hate it so look at this instead. Is he a closet gay?!!!!!

You're not being stupid or pathetic, such a thing would really hurt me too.
If he knows how you feel but still does it it just fucked up!

He might have a problem, i knew few men who were addicted to porn... That might be the case if he's on it all the time. Try and talk to him about that...

That 'i'm a man and i have needs' line, i would punch my husband if he ever would say something like this... It's not fair to you...

I'm sorry i can't give you any good advice...

Hi too many stuffed bears-you are right - I should stick with my gut instinct and not accept porn as part of my marriage.

In fairness I went looking for it on his phone as suspected something was up as he has been really distant.

Some people would argue he does have needs - thing is - if he is that desperate then he should close his eyes and bear to have sex with me.

I am of the opinion (I know some on MN aren't) that a lot of men do enjoy pornography now and then - the visual aspect ba blah blah

Whether I/you agree with this is not the point, here, though

As I said previously, it's the fact that he has continued to do something knowing it's distressing you that's relevent here. And making no effort to understand what your needs may be atm in terms of sex/affection/intimacy

Weird response to the gay question, though...
How old is he?

Don't think he does it ALL the time but who knows? I have only found 3 or 4 pieces (first when I was pregnant with DS - he had had day off and I was checking history on computer for a website I had accessed that same day and found all these porn sites) went mad and cried etc ....it happened again about a year later.

Now this on phone. He was meant to be clearing out our old house as we are selling it and I was home alone with 2 year old and heavily pregnant and he is downloading filth and wanking- NICE!!!!

I think it might be an idea to ask your husband why he continues to do something he knows causes you pain.

He's 36 - can't believe he is gay-he is good looking and could easily pull men if he really wanted-they seem to love him!

I have asked that - why do it when you know it hurts me? I got the old 'I have needs, it' a physical urge'. I have a physical urge to kick him in the nuts and go on a spending spree on his credit cards-maybe that can be my defence?!!!

Hi honeymoonmum-just read your other thread.

Sorry if this causes hurt,
but I can not believe that he loves you. He may be giving you lip service that he does, but his actions say otherwise.

The counseling had no effect, apparently. I don't think this is about you being pg.

Try suggesting counseling again, with him...about him. He may decline-then there's your answer. He doesn't care about the relationship. A coward is as a coward does-he wants you to end it so he doesn't come off being the bad guy.

He may indeed think he is drinking too much. That being an acceptable form of escape, but it does have other consequences.

Enter porn as an alternative escape-a little more honest this-escape from you, I believe. That he switched from females to males is a little glimmer of hope that he hears you and is sensing that you really are not going to let this go. But it is still wierd, and I think it is some sort of power play. "Feels guilty because you don't like him looking at women" is shifting the responsibility for his porn use to you.

Read Lundy Bancroft's book called "Why Does He Do That?"

I'm sorry .

I thought he might be in his early twenties, thirty fucking six? !

He is a child, he has no respect for you or your feelings, his "needs" are his priority unfortunately.

He doesn't "need" to use porn at all, no-one needs porn to be able to masturbate, like you say, of he wants sex so much why can't he deal with his issues and have sex with you?

I'm so angry on your behalf, he's being such a tosser (literally as well as figuratively).

thanks for your thoughts. I am so hurt and angry and tend to agree he can't love me when all he thinks about is himself. He is massively immature and still whinges (almost refuses) to unload the dishwasher as he finds it boring! Does he think I find it fun!!!!!!!!!

Will try the book toomanystuffedbears.

oh dear, you are having children with this juvenile fecker ?

I would have a big problem with the emotional detachment but not the porn, but that's just me. Not desiring you and making you feel lonely is terrible. I wouldn't personally choose to end a relationship over a few dirty pictures, given that I do believe most men look at them (certainly all my male friends over the last twenty years, most boyfriends) but I would if I felt miserable and unhappy.

....wonder how he would feel if you downloaded a tonne of that group hardcore pregnancy type porn (came across it through hideous Amsterdam weekend away ugghhh)and watched it callously infront of him?

Then turn round and say "well, at least there's no risk of her getting pregnant by the other men, live for the moment that's what I say..!"

Might be quite satisfying to watch him blubber for a bit...

So, he's happy to accommodate his 'needs' whilst ignoring yours. He continues to do something he knows causes you distress, particularly when you are feeling vulnerable and possibly have issues about yourself anyway ( most of my friends had some sort of image issues during pregnancy) and he is emotionally distancing himself from you at a time when you most need to feel connected to him. He also makes a childish fuss about helping you around the house. So how on earth does he show you that he loves you? Because from where I sit, He disregards your feelings about porn, he deliberately sets out to do something he knows distresses you and withholds affection from you as if he is punishing you for being pregnant. If he truly loved you, even if he has real issues about intimacy during pregnancy, he would not set out to upset you in the way he is. To say it is to satisfy his needs is selfish. I don't see any evidence of love from him at all. When you love someone, there are times when you have to do things that are not just about yourself. You have to overcome some dislikes and fears. You have to look after each others feelings. He is not doing those things. TBH, I would be questioning just how much he did love me if my DH did this.

Sorry you are having to deal with this.