Slowly driving myself insane...arghhhhhhhh

[Princesspeabrain]

Hi, This is my first post so please bear with me

Just a bit of background to start - I am in my early thirties, my husband is 20 years older. I have one child from a previous marriage who is now 9.

When I met my current husband and before we got fully involved I made it very clear to him that I had one child but I wanted at least another one in the future and if this something he wasn't interested in then our relationship could go no further.

Sounds harsh I know but I had to consider the age gap in that instance, although it's not something I notice on a day to day basis.

Fast forward 7 years we are blissfully happy together and very very much in love; however he told me 3 months ago that he did not want a baby.

I was and am still completely crushed. I told him I understand he reasons - too old,already has grown up family etc etc and we've had many a conversation since both expressing our feelings.

I can't and won't try and force him in to changing his mind, I respect and understand his feelings and would never ever contemplate getting pregnant 'by accident'.

He has got really upset about it during the conversations we've had as he feels like he's let me down so much and even said he'd understand if I wanted us to split as I still had plenty of time to move on and find someone else.

Of course this is something I counldn't even consider. When you are with your complete soul mate being without them is unthinkable.

I've told him I would rather give up on my dream of a child than ever lose him and would eventually get over this.

Thing is, how do I put it into practice ? I'm still devestated.
Cry all the time on my own.
Feel so empty(which is sily, I have a child).
And can't get rid of or even lessen this overwhelming desire.

Does anyone have any advice on how I get through this and start to move on ?

Sorry if I've rambled on a bit !

I am sorry that you are feeling so upset about this, I would too. You entered the relationship under false pretences then as he must have been aware at that time that he didnt want to have any more children (or has he changed his mind since then?)

I dont think that is fair to you and I feel that you have compromised your feelings to suit him and he hasnt taken into account how strongly you feel about having another DC. You should be honest with him and remind him that you had that conversation when you met and you really would like a child. He probably doesnt realise how badly you would like to have HIS child.

You have stressed to him that you would rather give up your dream to have another child and he has responded by 'worrying that you might split up with him'. He clearly doesnt seem as if he is willing to compromise with you and is prepared to break up with you than have another baby with you. THis is only my perspective on the matter. If that was my DH I would come to the conclusion that he is somewhat selfish by saying he already has older children etc, what about what you want. I guess if this had been something he had mentioned to you before you got together then there would be no argument as you would have found someone else but the fact that you expressly mentioned that you wanted to have more children and he has now changed his mind is what would piss me off tbh

Dear PrincessGiantBrain ,

I feel that there is one detail missing: what was he talking during those 7 years? Since you said that you wanted a child before you got fully involved, I assume you wanted in a near future (after 2-3 years to my understanding) what was his answer then? if you were explicit and clear all the time that you stil want the child and he was kind of postponing all 5 years the answer and 'here you go: the news' then I judge him.

Hmm. I have to say that I married my first husband thinking I loved him enough to do without children (he was clear from the start that he didn't want them) but I didn't. I still feel bad that I hurt him so much unnecessarily, but the fact is that you are facing a real dealbreaker here. It took me 4 years of thinking about it every single day and dreaming about it at night to reach the point of leaving. A key image for me was our house in the future - luxurious and full of the latest gadgets, but dark and silent with the two of us in a very small pool of light.

You are very keen to make it clear how much this relationship means to you. It probably doesn't help that I don't believe in the concept of soulmates though. I would respectfully say that relationships don't have to last forever to be meaningful; you would not have failed if you cannot live without trying to have children. He is clearly aware that this is a big deal and he is right.

choosyfloozy's last paragraph is spot on. Couldn't put it any better myself.

Thanks for all your responses !

We had talked briefly over the years about having children but never in depth as it really wasn't a subject he liked to talk about.
I always knew that he'd agreed to children for my sake and that if it was up to him he wouldn't have any more.

But I don't think I really ever seriously though that he'd ever completely change his mind.

I can understand him not wanting a baby at his age; however he's such a fantastic father to my daughter and we both get such joy from her that it only ever fuelled my desire to have a baby with him.
He has admitted despite loving her very much he always holds back a little mainly due to the huge problems we have with my ex husband - a complete twonk, I could start 50 new threads just on him alone again this only made we want one more and not just for me but for him so he could love a child of his own completely and in a stable family(not something he's had before).

I love this man so much. Not in a needy way, but my heart is just filled with love for him and him I.
There's just this one isssue that there's no comprimise on. You either do or don't.

He's such a caring man and so incredibly considerate, which is why I especially know that to go back on this promise he made must have been excruciating for him. And not something he would ever have done without months of soul searching and thought.

But now I just feel stuck, I'm in a limbo with no end.
I don't think I'll ever get over it, but somehow I must learn to cope with it.

Thing is, how ?

How about asking him to have a vasectomy, if he really doesn't want kids?

It took me two years after the vasectomy, plus some counselling, before I left my husband. If he hadn't had the vasectomy though, I might still be in the marriage, hoping that he would change his mind. I think I can say that even without the operation, he never would have - many people, with and without children, are absolutely sure that they are done with childbearing.

If he's not sure he wants a vasectomy, then perhaps he's not quite as sure about kids as he thinks he is.

Good stratergy but I don't think he'd ever agree to a vasectomy, not because he ever might want kids but because I don't think he'd want his 'bits' messed with(well not in that way.

Tbh if it was the other way round I wouldn't agree either for the same reasons.

What are peoples experience with counselling for this sort of thing ? Does it help ?