Don't love dh, don't fancy dh, stay or go?

[midlifemalaise]

I've been with dh 9 years, married 6 this year.
Have two dd's 7 and 11 (elder from previous marriage.)
There's never been any passion, I've never 'fancied' him, but we got on really well, had lots in common, have known each other for 20 + years. I've thought of him as my best friend, although we had lots of arguments about my lack of sex drive, we've always been affectionate, that was enough for me. We have a nice house, he has good job, no money worries.
He suffers with epilepsy and i've always been angry that he drove, I thought it was like playing russian roulette. Last year he had a fit while driving with our daughter in the car. I didn't know he'd taken her out, I was out for the day with other daughter. Luckily no one was hurt, but the police told him and my daughter, aged 6, that he could have gone to prison for that. My daughter has been very traumatised, and has on occasion sobbed her heart out because it was such an awful experience.
Something died in me that day, i was so angry at his selfishness, I can't forgive him and that's why I'm withholding all affection.
I've banned him from driving, and he hasn't done so since.

I don't love him anymore, I can't get past this, I can't bear him touching me, everything about him irritates me. He works at home nearly everyday now which is adding to the strain, i don't have any space, i don't work because I'm a home educator.
But do I throw away all i have and go it alone, kick him when he's down, give up my HEing and go back to work. I feel so confused.

I'm no expert, but will hold your hand. I understand how you feel about him driving with your daughter in the car, for me that too would be unforgivable.

However the incident obviously had an impact on him as he has never driven since. Do you think their is anything that you can salvage from your relationship, does your DH know how you feel, if you think that you can forgive him then I would suggest councilling for you both and perhaps your DD would also benefit from this as she is obv traumatised by the experience.

If you are unable to forgive then sadly I don't think that the marriage will work. I could not live with someone who I felt this way about. X

Yes have talked loads, he knows how I feel.
He doesn't drive because I wont let him.
Has never said sorry, just feels sorry for himself.
Threatened to take the car out the other day, and said might as well kill himself.
Yes think he might be a bit depressed, but wont talk at all about feelings.
I pour out mine, but he just says, 'but what about me?'

you clearly need a third person to help you both grasp what 'normality' is. i suggest going to relate counseling.

are you seeking any help wrt your sex drive? tbh i think i'd be depressed if i wasn't having sex for long periods of time

If you've never really fancied him but he always fancied you then this marriage is not salveagable and was never sustainable.
Yes his behaviour has been bad, particularly the driving illegally while suffering from epilepsy (people who have epilepsy can drive but only under certain conditions BTW - if he had not had a fit in over a year he would have been legally safe to drive.), but TBH it sounds a little as though you married him for security and stability, offering sex as your part of the deal and then welshed on the bargain so no wonder the marriage hasn't been happy.
Your best bet would be to work on making as amicable a separation as possible, and to do this you will have to accept that he is not the total villain and you are not totally perfect.

I love DP, but as a brother, not a partner. Sometimes I think he's really attractive, but I wouldn't say I fancy him. My best friend feels the same about her husband. I have another friend who is passionately in love with her DP but he's a shit and he makes her cry a lot. We've all been together for 15+ years.

We separated a few years ago but got back together because life was crap for both of us apart (mainly due to a lack of money). I HE too btw.

I don't have any advice, but fwiw I feel the same as you. Would you consider going to relate?

"I love you but I'm not in love with you" by Andrew something.

If there is something there, then it sort of helps you see where things have gone cloudy, but if there is nothing there then you should be able to see that too iyswim.

Oh, companion/co-parent marriages can work but only if both partners either have no sexual feelings for each other or have negligible libidos. They go wrong when one partner has a sex drive and desire for the other, though they can be maintained if the partners agree that monogamy isn't relevant to them.

Feel guilty about my lack of sex drive and not fullfilling my role as a wife.
I went to therapy for 18 months to overcome panic atttacks and lack of sex drive, I uncovered sexual abuse that I suffered (amongst other things) as a child.
The panic attacks and phobias I suffered have gone, but the sex drive is still a problem.
Dh made no allowances for what I had to live through again.

Relate isn't going to help now, it might make the break up easier, but he would think that a waste of time and money. He isn't the sort of person to even contemplate asking an outsider for help.

MLM: you might find it helpful to go to Relate by yourself in order to talk through ways of making the breakup easier. I'm sorry you have had such a bad time in the past, it certainly makes your lack of sex drive understandable, and I'd like to respectfully suggest that you steer clear of sexual relationships until you feel you have had enough therapy to be able to actively enjoy a sexual relationship rather than feeling you have to put up with it.

Thanks SolidGoldBrass, I hate feeling like a freak because I don't want sex with him.
He sees it as a complete rejection, I used to love him, but just don't feel that anymore.