Arguments over sex

[mopingtoday]

I have name changed. Will try and keep this brief.

We've been married 8 years. Have 2 dc aged 3 & 1. Sex has always been an issue with us. DH has a high sex drive and mine quite low. We muddled through until after we had the dc and the arguments over sex have got more frequent. I think we need to spend more time together and talk about sex. DH's solution is to stop having sex altogether and he will sort himself out. I think this will be detrimental to our relationship and we are currently at a stalemate.

Does anyone have any words of wisdom?

Why is having sex as frequently as you can manage and him sorting himself out (I take it you mean masturbation rather than 3rd parties?!) otherwise, not an option?

Is his suggestion of retracting sex entirely, a threat of some sort? Either you both have sex whenever he wants or not at all?

Does he mistake your low libido for some sort of intentional withholding of affection?

Sorry for posing several questions, I'm having trouble deciphering from your OP exactly how the current stalemate came about.

I cant help, but can tell you about our 17 year long similar sex argument. He moans that I dont want sex, I say I dont feel like it, it never occures to me to initiate sex, why doesnt he arrouse me. He said why should he do all the work, and I say because YOU are the one who bloody wants sex, use your common sense man ! Its like a stuck record.

Is your DP a nice, considerate, lovable man in other ways ie does his share of housework and childcare, pays you complements, treats you with respect? Because if so, his suggestion might be a way of trying to break the deadlock you are in of him asking for sex and you refusing, rather than a 'threat'.

Do you still want sex, at all? Or is it something you would rather not have to bother with?

Thanks for all your replies

EcoMouse - We haven't been very active lately and DH is getting frustrated with this and sees total abstinence as the answer. He says it takes away the expectation. The latest blow up happened because {I suspect} he was becoming increasingly fed up with the lack of action and a friend rang me before I went to bed on Sunday night so I spoke to her instead of going to bed so that was the final straw!

Thanks Thinker DH isn't impressed with your story

SGB DH is normally a lovely guy - this is the only area where we argue and disagree! I do still want sex...

Anyhow the breaking news today is that DH has come around to my way of thinking and has drawn up a contract!!! Have to love him - eh?! I think a set time will work for the time being for the next few months and we'll see how we go!!

MT: If your DH is a lovely man in other ways then maybe he is being even more lovely by trying new strategies rather than just asking for sex and complaining when you don't want to. A very common suggestion in these sort of cases is to agree that for half the week only partner A is allowed to initiate/ask for sex, for the other half only partner B is allowed to initiate/ ask for sex - this often has the same effect of taking the pressure off because there are so many nights a week when the less-interested partner knows that s/he has total control of whether sex will even be mentioned and the sex-hungry partner knows that s/he can't ask for it and therefore can relax rather than hoping and being disappointed.

I've always been disappointed with sex hence we argue about me not wanting it.

My hubby is also a over sexed monkey but we are so opposites in the bedroom.

Without having some magic cream to rub on my bits to wake them up I can never see a week go by without argueing.

Bacon: do you mean that your hubby is basically keen but a bit rubbish at it? Do you know the things you'd like him to do to/with/for you and is he open to discussion on the matter?

MOPING - sounds like your DH decided to abstain from sex rather than have his feelings hurt by being rejected. I'm glad he has moved past that.

To you and also to bacon - why do you think your libidos are so low? Do you fantasise? Masturbate? My theory is that libidos can go to sleep through underuse, or be repressed into the background, but that they are always (mostly) present and can be unlocked with the right key! Bacon, there are creams that you can use, Ann Summers do a range, pussy rub and pleasure gel are both nice, if you could get DH to give you a 'massage' with one I would be very confident it would get you in the mood. Otherwise you need to find your key, whether it be porn, fantasy, role play, erotic fiction, whatever, but work out what turns you on and indulge in it! Alone or with your P, up to you. You just need to wake up that libido!

I agree.
I think you "use it or lose it" too - if you start really getting to know your body and having regular orgasms, alone at first if need be, your sex drive will naturally rise.

A couple of sex toys might do the trick, bring some fun into the bedroom and start actively thinking about sex, erotic fiction is great for getting you in the mood, as is learning some new tricks, trying new positions etc.

Sex is very good for your physical and mental health, it also bonds you like nothing else can.

Ummm....but I have always been disappointed with the sexual act. the actual penetration does nothing for me, after a bit of excitment it all dies a death and cant wait to get it over with. note: Started sex at 16, had loads of partners and on 2nd marriage.

Surely mood starts with the brain? if the brain and the flojo arnt in sequence then its a no brainer?

I've tried loads of ideas...regular orgasms???? Am I the only lady that has never had one through the sexual act??? I'm sure many of my friends will agree with me on that!!!! Toys, had loads given to me over the years....still dont get it.

I was born with a numb ladies bits?

Well you've negated lots of pleasurable activities simply by thinking that penetration is the primary/only sexual act .

Plenty of toys can be incorporated into penetration, there are even toys like the we-vibe , specially designed to be worn during sex, or a vibrating cock-ring.

A good session needn't even contain "intercourse", plenty of other yummy stuff to do, mutual masturbation and oral are normally the easiest routes to orgasm.

Have you tried different positions and techniques to aid orgasm during penetration?
Just because missionary doesn't work , doesn't mean you can't try on top etc. Good lube makes all the difference too. People just don't realise how great lube is till they try it.

Bacon: try some reading about, rather than doing, and see what ideas appeal.
THough it sounds like your H is what one of my mates used to cal a 'pumper', basically he gets it in then goes pump pump pump in the same position for ages - this is not a lot of fun for a girl. If you can discover some things you'd like to try and tell him about them, if he is willing to try them things will improve a lot, if he is not willing then he has a bad attitude towards sex (that it's all about what he wants) and no wonder you are not keen.