I'm frightened of ending my marriage

[ShazG]

Hi there,

I have been trying to save my marriage for a long time and today I feel that there is no way forward. We have had a couple of sessions at relate but it has not been sucessful. My husband felt under attack and was too defensive for it to be any use. We have been together for 15 years and his temper has always been an issue. I am now 36 years old and need to be able to fully express myself in this relationship but I can't if I am constantly walking on eggshells trying not to light the blue touch paper.

The problem is that I don't know how to end it. We rent a housing association property in a rural area (which are like gold dust) and I work full-time whilst my husband stays at home with the kids. The reason for this is that he lost his licence two years ago for drink driving. I doubt that my husband will leave the house. If I walked out with the kids I wouldn't have anywhere to go except maybe my aunty's. But she lives 20 miles away and the kids go to school locally. I don't want to do anything to anger my husband because I am sure he would make my life very difficult if we could not seperate amicably.

Any advice? My head is a shed!

Sharon x

gosh sharon....this was me too a few years ago!! but i had violence in the equation too.

i suppose you need to see if local council run rent assistance scheme?

Sorry, is that financial assistance? Because I could just about afford the rent on my own. The problem is, whoever moves out will end up paying extortionate open market rents even if they manage to find a suitable property in the area. I have thought that I could move to a cheaper area but that would mean a huge upheaval for the kids including a new school. Nevermind the fact that I have always lived in my village where most of my support is. My husband is not local but he loves living here more than I do! I realise that I am being defeatist but there just seem to be so many obstacles.

You can manage in poverty for a bit (at least the heating bills won't be too bad for a few months). The kids can establish themselves at a new school. You can find another job, or go back to college. You can make new friends, and stay in touch with old ones. There are other nice villages.

But you can't give back the broken years of your children's lives. You can't forget the complete loss of your sanity. You can't be a good mother if he cripples you.

Priorities.

it has occured to me....you might find that your dh wants the kids staying with him. are you assuming they will go with you

as he stays at hom with them,makes him main carer,and should it go to court,then he might get to keep them

sorry

rent assistance scheme,helps with deposit/advance rent,but as you're working,not sure

Can I just clarify that, although he gets angry, my husband has never hit me. However, he is unpredictable and will break things. He is a good father in many ways and loves his children to bits. He is also a good husband in some ways and loves me very much. That's part of what makes it so hard to leave. What I have to decide is, how much am I willing to compromise myself to make this marriage work? The picture being painted of the life of a single mother is not a pretty one and I certainly would rather stay in a bad marriage than lose my children.

no,never have i found being a lone parent a bad situation.....its preferable to the 'treading on eggshells' we all had to do. kids dont need that role model.