Worried I will say something I will regret because I am so fed up of waiting

[ChairmumMiaowGoingItAlone]

H and I were arguing for a while but still managed to deliberately get pregnant. I guess I was kidding myself about how bad things were.

At about 8 weeks pregnant H sent me an email (while working away) listing all the things he hates about me. I responded to most points agreeing that there were changes we could make but that I wasn't ready to go to counselling for the more serious things until after the baby is born. I tried desperately to improve our marriage, including working on the issues I could without help, but H got worse.

He eventually admitted he doesn't love me any more, after I couldn't bear his general coldness but still wanting sex. I asked him to move into the spare room because I couldn't stand knowing that he was just pretending. A week later I asked him to move out because I was utterly miserable. He found a place and has been gone about 2 months. He doesn't (or didn't the last time we discussed it) believe that I can change and hasn't acknowledged that he would need to change at all.

Since then I've been on anti-depressants, which have really helped and his moving out seemed to lighten things for me a lot.

We have got on better, really only talking about essential things like money, DS and the baby and there have been times when I have felt like the old H was back. I'm still not sure whether I want him back, but I do feel that it would be a waste of nearly 12 years together to not even try counselling.

I have always been the pushy one in the relationship and this time I am determined to let him work things out for himself. Trouble is, I have a horrible feeling I won't know he has decided not to try until I hear about another woman. Which would really hurt me. We're seperated but until we agree it is time for divorce, I would consider that cheating.

I am now nearly 36 weeks pregnant and I have had enough of waiting. I've had enough of being on my own, feeling like I'm dangling waiting for him and can't make plans for the future. I have a friend (female with a DS the same age as mine) who would move in with me if things were settled but I'm not going to make any decisions for H so I'm alone here.

I just really want to take control of my own life and tell him if he can't make the commitment to try (just to go to relate, not to commit to get back together) to work things out I don't want to feel like I'm just waiting for him. I don't want anyone else, I just don't want to feel like he has complete control of my future.

I know though that this would be a bad time to do it, but when are my hormones ever going to be settled again?

Someone give me the strength to carry on in this awful limbo until I'm in a position to feel sure I'm making a decision for the right reasons, not just for the sake of having decided.

Ok, you need to make the decision to get on with your life, instead of being in limbo.

Your H has moved out, and it sounds like a good thing in the long run, and now you need to get on with your life as if you are single (which you are, divorce or no divorce)

You shouldn't feel pressurised to change just so he gets back together with you, he needs to either accept you for ewho you are or move on and set you free.

Put yourself first, look after yourself, and stay strong.

If he doesn't love you don't hold out for him. Why settle for someone who doesn't love you and writes emails to you telling you all the things they hate about you when you could live a much nicer life being single or finding someone who does love you.

Just tell him that you are willing to work on your marriage if he is and if he's not you want to move on with your life...

I don;t think there's much else to say...

I think the reason I accepted what he said was that a lot of it was true. I've committed to changing those things because I need to for myself or my DCs - I'm going to do it whatever happens with him. I think he needs to change for himself too but I don't think he has accepted that.

It just feels like a big step to say "right, this is it" rather than being able to shrug and say "well we're ok for now but who knows what will happen"

Difficult situation but sounds like one you both have contributed to. Yes, he has been critical, cold etc. but you recognised you had problems but didn't want to go to couples counselling until after the birth of your baby (contributing to the current 'limbo').

You asked him to move into the spare room - he did.

You asked him to move out - he did.

You say you are now fed up with waiting...I'm confused.

I can see why you might be confused, but I asked him to do those things when he admitted he wasn't prepared to try to work on things between us at the time - the idea was that time apart would give him a chance to decide what he wanted. I have always said I wanted to work on things, but he was having counselling (which he has since 'finished') and was worried that he would decide it was all a big mistake and that he'd made a mess.

So I was waiting for him to work through his own stuff in counselling, and decide whether he wanted to work on things. I just couldn't stand the atmosphere in the mean time and thought that the space would do us both good (it really has)

I'm waiting for him to decide whether he wants to try or not, and I feel like I'd be giving up on him if I ask him to decide now.

Oh, and I have since started seeing a counsellor about the whole situation, and said it was a very bad idea to start working on the big stuff in my past while I was pregnant and so we have only been discussing things that are having an immediate effect on me. I have wondered whether I should have tried to deal with my issues earlier, but I feel justified that with the horrible pregnancy hormones it wouldn't have been the right time for me - I would have been doing it to keep him happy and I feel it has to be for me.

I do accept that with the exception of a few really unpleasant things he has said to me, that there is fault on both sides with the degeneration of our relationship, I just feel like he should be willing to at least try relate - or if he's really never going to want to, to have the guts to admit it.

Did I make this situation myself? Should I not have asked H to change anything while he sorted himself out?

I just don't know as talking seems to just make things worse between us.

ChairmumMiaow

I have posted on your threads before. Our situations are very similar - except that I am 32 weeks pregnant. H left me (and 3yr old DD) end of last year out of the blue. We went to counselling together but it was an utter waste of time and money as he didn't actually want to make things work or be there.

About a month ago he came to me and said that he realises that he was wrong and wants to make things work...... For me that meant counselling (the only way surely ?) but he has now started going down the 'i'm so confused -I can't separate my feelings for you, DD and soon to be DS'.. I do want to work on this but I need to do some counselling on my own to sort out my own head before we can go to couples counselling.... SOOOOO much indecision, blowing hot and cold and this line in your thread..

Someone give me the strength to carry on in this awful limbo until I'm in a position to feel sure I'm making a decision for the right reasons, not just for the sake of having decided Describes exactly how I have been feeling the last week.

Everybody tells me (as I am sure they do you) not to make any rash decisions so close to the birth but then they are not the ones living in limbo are they ?

One thing that really struck me last night from my counselling session was that I was talking about how it feels like every interaction with H feels like 'an interview for the job of his wife' (like your H - there were plenty of accusations hurled in my direction) and I am sick to death of it - It's like being tested and its crap.The end result of this is that I am saying what I thinks will make him want to come back to me (and tick all the boxes of everything that was 'wrong' with me )rather than being me... My counsellor pointed out that you should want any future relationship to be based on your authentic self rather than you trying to be the person that you think he wants to be - the changed you.....

In short she urged me not to make a decision.. try and live with the reality (once the DC comes along lets face it - will we even have the time / energy to care as much ?! ), and me being 100% me .. authentic and honest with him will actually create more intimacy between us - and be a relief for him for me not to be one the pushing pushing pushing and could also be the thing that will probably make the decision for us anyway. Sorry this may not be your situation at all but I just thought I would offer it up anyway as that's where I am at.

Anyway apart from all the therapy - I am sure you feel the same way as me when I say that I am starting to feel like a lapdog - just faithfully waiting there for him to make his mind up and sending out the message 'i'm not going anywhere' (despite the fact that I have made plenty of positive changes anbd moves forward with me since he left - there is only so much you can do when heavily pregnant hey ?!))and it's not a nice place to be.. but you are right - the alternative is walking away and that doesn't feel right for me either right now so I guess all we can do is 'live' with the reality, look after ourselves and carry on as if we are going this alone - that's what I am going to try and do anyway... Good luck x

This is a hard question to answer (and you don't have to answer it here, obviously) but have you always been the one who made the effort and made the running in the relationship? If the answer is yes then make the final effort to end it, because this man basically doesn't love you enough. He doesn't love the person you are and will always have the weapon of threatening to leave you if you don't obey and change into someone else.

CmM -

I don't have much advice on the specifics and am in the middle of lots of stuff myself,

But,fwiw, I have a 5 week old baby and my issues are all with her d,my xp.
he left several times during my pregnancy but I really wanted to make it better for when baby arrived,so ,despite my inner voice - and MNers and friends - urging me to make the break (he's abusive),I got back with him each time.

Hormones definitely made me feel more emotionally intense as birth approached

but I have found it even harder with my baby to care for and my emotional and hormonal reactions are all over the place now.

I am remaining firm now - he left again a week after her birth and is full on awful again.

But for me,I would have been better plotting a course and steering resolutely through BEFORE having baby - even if to re evaluate a few months on.

It is enough of a roller coaster with a newborn - she is my 5th btw - and,for me,the chaos and unresolved situation with xp -the ambiguity and raw emotions are now way more difficult to think clearly about.and as for taking action....putting on the kettle is enough,

not sure if this helpful,but stay strong and try to give yourself a break from analysing too much as pg and newbaby alter your responses and in any case,you deserve to nurture and be nurtured in peace...

Good luck and take care x

Thanks for all the replies.

Lookingahead - it feels great to see that someone really really understands. I know that the best thing for the moment is to sit tight but it is hard. Mumsnet and counselling helps me get it out and then generally the next day the frantic urge to just be able to say or do something has subsided.

SGB - that's an excellent question and one I don't know the answer to. I certainly did all the work recently, but when I was pregnant with DS and in the early days with him he was amazing. At this point in my first pregnancy I definitely felt loved and cared for. I think it is those memories that makes all this harder at the moment.

pinemartina - sorry to hear about your H. It really does sound like you are better off as you are, but I can really sympathise with the confusion of it all.

I'm in a better place today, and even if I don't get a cancellation before then, I should get to see my counsellor before the birth (NHS, big queue and I was doing a lot better for a while so decided to save my limited sessions for if I really needed them!)

Its like the pressure builds up and then something small happens to make me upset or frustrated and I have to do something to release it - and I want to let H know how I am feeling. Thankfully I've been able to curb those urges since he moved out, except for one email early on, and as I said, mumsnet helps me vent that steam for a while.

Hi all,

If anyone's still following this I have decided how I can take a bit of control without making any final decisions.

I know that even if H decides he wants to work on things, he's not going to be moving back in for some time. (We need to both be sure its the right thing and I would expect dating and counselling etc) so I have decided to ask my friend if she wants to make arrangements to move in for 6 months (might not be straight away, what with the imminent baby and all).

I won't be putting all my plans on hold, but I won't be completely closing any doors.

FWIW it seems that when other people get more of a taste of H's sense of humour and lack of sensitivity he gets less appealing - he's been annoying a mutual friend, which really helps (in a mean sort of way) me to accept and really believe that I haven't always been the one to blame!