I'm not being a snob, am I?

[ConDemsUsAll]

Forgive me but I've name changed incase I am classed as a snob!
I've been chatting to a man online for about 2 months over email and msn and we arranged to meet today. I didn't get dressed up as such as we were only going for a pub meal but I did make more of an effort than say I would have if I'd been meeting my mum etc. So I got there and there is this bloke waiting by the door in a HUGE baggy grey t-shirt with a hole in it. Massive old jeans and trainers. My first thought was "shit, I need to do a runner" but he saw me and waved. I had to go through with it. All in all he seemed like a decent bloke but why the hell would you turn up looking for bloody scruffy for a first "date"? When I say his clothes were big I don't just mean A size too big, I mean 3 or 4 sizes too big, discoloured and out of shape.
Am I being a snob then or am I right in sending him the "sorry but no" email?

did you like him as a person?

maybe he's lost a lot of weight recently or had to come see you straight from a manual job or something?

Some people are really not remotely interested in their own appearance. Whether this is an indicatior that they are self-obsessed, devoid of social graces or suffering from depression is something that might well show up or at least be indicated in the course of the date.
ON the other hand, someone who does some kind of worthy manual job or works from home on something pretty esoteric like theoretical physics might be lovely in many ways and it simply not occur to him/her that most people would scrub up a bit before a date.
Which of these two types would you say his behaviour indicated?

I would be worried myself. Three points spring to mind.

1: Always trust your instincts..if they say run, then run.

2: he has no idea socially, normal people would make a bit of an effort.

3: He has massive self esteem issues which could be indicative of big problems if you got involved. He clearly doesn't care about his OWN appearance, therefore himself. We know where that can lead.

Might be completely wrong and he's a really nice chap, but in my experience, there are warning signs of bad things.

You didn't say whether you liked him apart from that?

If so, give him another chance. Just in case he'd had all his things stolen that day / had a bad relationship with an excessively superficial woman / is filthy rich but wanted to see if you liked him for himself ...

If you didn't like the way he dressed, you didn't like the way he dressed.

That doesn't make you a snob.

The great thing about relationships is that you have complete freedom to choose who to date and who not to date, even if for entirely crazy reasons.

Personally, I would have had the same 'run' instincts as you.

I dunno. Why not say "I had a great time and I'd prefer it if you could dress a bit smarter next time?" That's if you did have a great time, of course.

No i wouldn't say your a snob, think everyone would of thought the same, feel for you,really, how embrassing.

Doesn't take much to make an effort does it.

I don't think you are a snob, and it's all about instinct as other poster said.

I was always told by my friends that I was too fussy and my standards were unrealistic so I ended up in a similar predicament.

Fellow was nice enough, got chatted up went with it, overlooked scruffy appearance for all those reasons -swallowed my pride and embarrassment in public places on date with him, then, oneday, he invited me back for a tea (not sordid - after Sunday lunch type thing).

OMG his house was like something from Psychoville - he had about 40 years worth of newspapers in piles around the walls, skidmarky pants on the floor of his kitchen around the washing machine. It stank!

i made my excuses and tried not to run out of the house.

SGB has hit the nail on the head. I once went on a date (online arranged too) and the bloke sounded v similarly dressed (except he had shorts on in March/april so pretty cold!) but if he had been interesting to talk to would have stuck it out for a few hours. As it was I just got the impression that he wasn't really that bothered (the clothes were just an outer manifestation of this) so took it as my signal to make my excuses and go.

Contrast that with first date with DP (off the internet too). Clothes not quite so bad (lint covered black fleece excepted) but we had emailed for quite a bit beforehand so knew he was an astrophysicist about to embark on a phd. He is just not that interested in clothes (went to work this morning dressed in khaki chinos blue striped shirt and purple tank top - but felt the need to tell me he was wearing his 'black holes' t-shirt from greenwich observatory i bought him a few years ago under his shirt!)

What was he actually like? Decent is the bare minimum - any other good moments/qualities meaning that you are struggling with your inner snob over? (i am sure most people have one)

NO, I don't think you are a snob at all.

Why put uo with someone who does not have the social skills to make an effort to make sure he looks appropriate for a first date?

It is't shallow to expect this imo.

I am pretty fussy and if anything didn't ring true on meeting someone I would kick them to the kerb. Life's too short.

My best friend tries to fix me up with some random types. I would say an emphatic no for all sorts of reasons, she would say 'oh you are too fussy, he won't do you any harm' as if that was the cornerstone of any successful relationship!

well my dh is a geek and has absolutely no interest in his appearance. i do have to check his clothes choice for important meetings to stop fashion faux pas. but he would never go to a first date wearing something with a hole in.

you're trying to impress - if you can't make an effort the first time, you're not going to do it the 2nd or 3rd.