What would you do? Long :(

[MaryMaryBo]

I've namechanged, I'm embarrassed

DP and I have been together 9 years, have 2DC.

He has a few learning difficulties including dyslexia and dyspraxia, and seems to have some asperger's (sp??) qualities. But, I'm not sure if I am making excuses for him.

He is not good at expressing emotions, it took him nearly a year to tell me that he loved me. He had problems expressing emotions to his parents etc, he has seen a Doc about this before. He is a good dad and he seems to be finding it much easier to express his emotions to the children.

When we argue, he goes quiet and turns into himself. He does not like to continue discussions/arguments as this upsets him, just as he doesn't like to talk about anything 'bad' that happened when he was younger - like his mum walking out on him when he was a baby etc.

I am trying to give you an idea of how his mind deals with uncomfortable situations etc.

The point is - yesterday I was on his pc, trying to log into my facebook as my laptop was dead. he had gone outside to play with DC and left his on, he had left windows open. One was for a dating site - Zoosk. Now, normally I might expect this to be a pop up, but i seen it was the search page - 'looking for a women aged 25-35 in XX'
He was actively searching for someone.

So, I walked away from th ePC and started on dinner. After dinner was done, he was putting the DC to bed. I started up my comp and googled what I thought would be his username (he's very very predictable that way) and lo and behold up comes his username on a dating website (where he has set up a profile) He is listed as single(why else would he be on a dating website?) and states that he has 2DC and is looking for a long term relationship. Doesn't say anymore than that.

I was heartbroken and didn't know how to broach the subject with him.

So I waited til much later and asked him if he wanted to be with someone else - he said no. I asked why was were you on Zoosk, he shrugs his shoulders. I asked him why he had a profile on there - he said that a while ago, we were having a bad argument and he thought I was going to leave him, so he made a profile.

Even if that is true, why would he be on there yesterday looking at other profiles?? Curiosity or something else??
I keep going over and over things in my head, trying to make sense of it. I asked him to sleep in the spare room as I was so upset.

What do i do?

I have never yet met an emotionally healthy male who was a) abandoned by his mother and b) never got any help for it.

I have met a fair few men in this position who have spent their whole life harbouring very damaged views of women and have emerged as emotionally retarded adults.

It's interesting that rather than take the usual route to infidelity of forming a friendship that leads to a physical relationship, he has gone straight to a dating site, where the agenda is unmistakeable.

You can make all the rationalisations in the world for why he is like this and why he has done this, but it remains horrible, disrespecful behaviour and he needs to own it and take responsibility. Shrugging just won't work this time. He clearly meant to be unfaithful as recently as yesterday. He is lying to you.

Now you can insist he gets to the bottom of his demons for you to carry on, but don't tolerate being lied to. He needs to fight to survive in this marriage and take equal responsibility for it too.

well he's looking for a relationship....he needs to finish yours first though. i'd be telling him this....

alternatively...you could just finish his current one for him

ask him if that is what he wants

if he "shrugs", tell him you will take that as a yes and start making plans to seperate

he may have some difficulties with communication, but this is shitty behaviour of the highest order

Emotionally constipated; active on a dating site; lies and withholds the truth.

I consider any one of those three factors unacceptable in a relationship. I think you should too. Long post, short answer.

I have outlined his options for him.

Delete account on dating site, never return to said site. Come with me to counselling, so we can work through this.

Or

Admit he wants this relationship to end, so we can move forward and decide what to do about the DC.

I am hoping he will choose the first one, so we can sort everything out. I am willing to forgive his indiscretion if he is willing to be truthful about why he did it.

Thanks for your replies

all the best x

come back and tell us how you get on

Good luck Mary, you sound very strong in the circumstances. I really wish you well and I hope you get this sorted out as you deserve better than that shitty behaviour.

You've done the right thing. I think you handled this really well.