should I stick with my decision

[puddinmama]

Hi

I'm not a regular poster,but don't seem to have anyone in rl to actually talk to about this, my best friend if living in a whole other country, so please maybe some advice and support

basically last night I lost the plot and asked dh to move out, I have done this before in the heat of an argument but have always backed out and life goes back to normal.

anyway on the whole I have a good dh, he is a great father, I have two boy, and he is always here for me and doesn't mistreat me in any way, I do love him loads but I'm not madly in love with him and we lack a certain chemistry, which I know is all from my side as he is more or less in a perfect marriage. We have nothing in common, I mean nothing, when we're together we don't have anything to chat about really, but I always just consoled myself with the fact that I'm quiet and he's quiet, but when I'm with friends and not that quiet so now I'm not so sure about this. We never go anywhere together and this is really upsetting me now as we can't even do a weekly shop together, he is always not in the mood to do anything with me even to take the kids to the park, I do it alone, its always been like this, if we are invited out with friends he jumps at the chance but alone its a huge ordeal for him, I actually accused him of being ashamed to go out with me but he denies this (I wear a headscarf am Muslim he is also muslim as well) so now I know its just a case of he doesnt enjoy going anywhere with me, the only attention I get is when he is looking some action which would be every night if he had his way but now I resent this as well what has he done for me in the relationship to make me want to be with him at night.

Its not just him though, I 'm caring full time for my mum, and I feel like I'm just being used by everyone, its like running from house to house fulfilling everyones needs, on top of this I home educate my kids which I do myself as well, I'm exhausted, drained, depressed and I don't even recognise myself when I look in the mirror any more and I don't think its fair to my children, they should have thier young, happy free mum that I'am really but can't be because of so much stress.

I have been married ten years and I am so worried about the kids, but at the same time I know that they will grow up and move out and I'll just be left wishing I had of divorced thier dad when I was younger.

There have been other things that have led me to this, but really I'm worried about going through with it and sticking to my decision, I know its going to hit him hard but right now, the life that I have isnt healthy for me and I cant keep going like this

Thanks in advance for any support

May I ask, do you really feel as if it's the end, or if some things changed would you want him back? If so, what would those things be?

Hi

Thanks for your quick reply am sitting here glued to the screen, but I feel like its the end of me really, I'm not who I am anymore, and I know things aren't going to change, and if I don't go through with it then its because of my marytr nature of not wanting to be selfish and hurt others, like my husband

I'm sorry if that doesn't make much sense

Oh it does, believe me it does. Sometimes, though, you just have to put yourself first. If you keep giving and giving, with no support, eventually there will be nothing left to give, you'll collapse and then the people who rely on you will be left in the lurch anyway.

Would it be possible to arrange for some other care for your mother, for example? Is there anything the council can do, health visits, meals on wheels sort of thing? Whatever we owe our parents, looking after your children has to come first. I won't probe into why they need to be educated at home, if that is your choice I respect it and admire you for being able to, but it really is very time and energy consuming so something else clearly has to give. Don't let that thing be your sanity!

I can't tell on the basis of what you've said so far, to what extent your relationship problems are just down to you being exhausted and probably a bit depressed. You say he is a good dh and father; hmm, well, that's what most women start saying in abuse cases, so I'll reserve judgement on that for the time being! If you feel as if you're doing it all and he just doesn't get it, and treats you as a maid and bed-warmer rather than a life partner, no wonder you feel resentful. However, if you keep chucking him out then taking him back, he's never going to have a strong incentive to change. He's just going to think "the little woman's having one of her turns again, hey-ho, off to my brother's sofa for a few nights" and sit it out until everything's back to normal, ie you doing everything as usual. I think at the very least you should insist on a course with Relate for both of you, where you can put your point of view and insist it's actually listened to for a change, before having him back.

Hi

Thanks for your reply, I am sort of sitting in limbo today, he isnt going to leave, I don't know if he realises how serious I am. I think that the only way for me to be me again is to have some time alone, without him. We don't have a relationship, and I just feel like I'm constantly being used, like you said above, that I'm just a maid and someone to keep his bed warm. No he doesnt physically abuse me like I said he is a good man just perhaps not right for me, am so depressed with my life right now, I can't still be sitting here in 30 years with the same life with my husband. Which is what is going to happen if I stay with him.

I just don't know how to do this, or how to move forward with all this, can a marriage just end like this it doesn't seem real but I am sure its what I want and need

Thanks again

hi

no replies lol

I should go have an affair or something then I might get some mumsnet attention lol