Not going too well

[Andy1964]

This may be a bit of a long one for my first post but I do feel I need to intoduce myself to you all.
I'm 45, married to DW (36) for 11 years and have two DS's 7 and 10.
I work full time and DW is a 'stay at home' Mum.
As with all marriages we have had our issues and we do love eachother dearly.

We are having a bit of a difficult time at the momnet though and I kinda feel a bit, well lost may be a good way to explain it.

For quite a few months there are days when she is thoroughly miserable, I can appreciate how she feels being at home all day, I really do.
I try my hardest to lift her but she does 'cut her nose off to spite her face' and refuses to get out and do something with me and the boys. On the rare occasion she does come out she is still miserable.

I'd say these times are on average once or twice a week, and when I say miserable, I mean really miserable.
She won't let me hug her, cuddle her, talk to her, take her out, kiss her.
Last week I gave her a kiss and as she turned away I said jokingly "I havn't finished yet" meaning I wanted to ikiss her again to which she replied "I have" as in finished.

More recently, in the last two weeks, my Mum has fallen Ill and has been undergoing some tests.
At around the same time DW eventually talked to me about how she has been feeling. She has said she feels depressed. She has been to the doctor before with mild depression.
She admits she puts a brave face on alot of the time.
She went back to the doctor who has given her a perscription to help her.

The results of my Mums tests were not good.
Cancer. Chronic Myelomonocyclic Leukemia.
It won't get better, they can only manage it.

To be honest, in the past I have though that I would be happier on my own as when DW is miserable she pulls me down with her.
It's normaly at weekends, the only lengthly time I get to spend time with her and the kids.
I'm thinking it even more now.

I've just really had enough and feel that my entire life is hard work at the moment.

I tried talking to DW wife last night but although not miserable she waas not in the mood to talk.

I will try again tonight.

Thanks for listening

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum. What a stressful time for you.

I am sorry to hear about your wife too. I'm not a professional but it sounds like she is suffering from depression, but this can be dealt with. She needs to go back to her GP for help.

I can understand that you feel you might be happier on your own but you started the post saying you love her dearly. Think long and hard about how your life would be without her. This sounds like a difficult patch in your marriage but you will get through it if you both work at it. If the love is still there then it will succeed.

If both your dcs are at school would your DW think about getting a job? Would do wonders for her self esteem to have something else to occupy her mind, not to mention the extra money.

I'm sure we will get through it.
These thoughts keep going through my head though.
I can't imagine we would ever be without eachother.

Work may well be the problem.
Childcare is very difficult for us we can't rely on parents and the DC are at a independant school so the term times are different to state schools. This rules out quite a few weeks of the year where kids clubs are not open.
DW does not want to spend all her wages on a nannie/childcare.

I believe she does want to go back to work but unfortunatly it's on her terms at the moment not any future employers terms.

It may take some time for her to realise this and make some sacrifices

Oh and she is under the GP and being treated for mild depression.

Andy - She sounds depressed, and the key to that is probably out of your hands. I think you have to be supportive of her, and caring and kind. Encourage her to keep seeing her doctor. Be there for her, lay off the 'big talks' if they're not going anywhere at the moment, and make her cups of tea, the occasional flowers, the sort of things that show you appreciate her. Be around her, and caring without being overwhelming...but it does sound as if she's just very sad and low at the moment. You have a lot on at the moment, with your mum. It's tough. I wish you well.

DW does not want to spend all her wages on a nannie/childcare.

but it would be your and her wages right?

do you have room for an au pair?

sounds like she needs some impulse to get out adn about, while kids at school, do her own thing, courses? voluntary work? yoga?

has GP "prescribed" her an excercise pprogramme? (usually group sessions run by people trained to help people with mild ddepression etc)

hi Andy,
So so sorry to hear about your mum that's really hard for you all. Conentrate on these last few precious times you have left with her.

Your wife sounds to me ilke she has depression. Classic sympotms are: no trouble going to sleep but waking at night; apathey / letheragy; over or under eating - as well as feeling down. If she can't face going to the doctors, try St John's Wort for a starter. (I'm not a professional either)

It sounds to me - and this is probably not going to be what you want to hear - that you need to dig deep and do your best to be very gentle, calm and encouraging to her, and see if you can talk / explain how you are feeling. You sounds like a nice guy and a strong person - just take it a day at a time.

She does not seem to have the enthusiasm to get out and do anything, worse so at the moment.

She has never had a hobby of any kind which I have always found strange.

She has also never has much drive to better herself.

I'm gonna pick up some flowers tonight.

Clearly she's depressed, it'll take a couple of weeks for the medication to begin to help so you're going to need to be patient for the next little while.

In the meantime I agree with what others have said about work/hobbies etc. I was a SAHM for 8 years and then set up a small business that I could run during school hours. I had to do something as I'd been getting more and more depressed. My dh came home one day to yet again find me in tears and told me that he knew what was wrong, that I had once had a career and been a woman around town and was finding it hard especially as the dc's were now at school. He was right and I was fortunate enough to find something I enjoyed and fitted around the dc's. During the time I was setting up my business I was like a different woman and back to my old self.

Recently we moved house and I've had to give up my business, I'm not working while life settles and I have to say I can see again why it's so hard being at home.

There are things you can do that don't involve work necessarily (childcare is a nightmare). She can do a course or take a class, I have friends that do pottery, dressmaking, art etc. She can join a gym or fitness class. Something, anything.

My dh was fairly forceful with me in a very caring loving way, but he made it clear that I could feel better by doing something and that he would support me.

If I were you, I'd take it easy on her while the meds kick in and then gently talk to her.

my exP also had no hobbies and his depression got worse and worse - now we separated he has gotten into church groups and stuff which at least is positive.

not saying separation is only incentive tho!

try and resad some self help books together like
Living with a Black Dog (Paperback)
by Matthew Johnstone
Matthew Johnstone (Author)
www.amazon.co.uk/Living-Black-Dog-Matthew-Johnstone/dp/1845297431/ref=sr_1_7?ie=UTF8&qid=1273662473& sr=8-7-spell

ultimately - remember that
she is reponsible for her mental health not you.

she is responsible for getting out, doing stuff.

you alone cannot cure her depression

you ened ot seek out ways of managing your and your dcs life in relation to hte depression in the family. it is hard .

seek some counselling for yourself in dealing with this -you will nee dit as well ind elaing with your mum's illllness...

She wouldn't be spending all her wages on childcare - you would presumably share that cost and she would have some left over?

Could you go with her to the doctors?

Read hobby thread. Not at all convinced you are s trouble maker. Don't run away. Most important thing is to ask wife what she wants and then do everything you can to help her make it happen. Some of the ideas on there were excellent. I would it if my lovely non controlling husband suggested some of those to me! Especially those that involved both of us. Going to see a musical is no cure for depression but cetainly lifts the spirits as a couple. Mind you I might not be the best person to take advice from. Me and my right wing husband have talked more recently for years since we started arguing about tv debates/question time!

Andy - you sound like such a kind understanding man. Your DW has depression, I had it myself after my first child was born and I can totally empathise with how yr DW is feeling I was the same.Inside you want to feel "normal" again, but you have no energy or enthusiasm for anything - everything seems such an effort (even getting dressed in the morning and showering for me)and I felt like a great, grey cloud was pressing down on me all the time. My DH was so loving and patient with me and once I got help from my GP I began to feel more like my old self. It took a while for the pills to kick in but gradually I began to feel I could cope again, go out,feel confident about myself and generally feel that life was good again. Be patient with her and you will get there.