Have I done it right ?

[noodlesnoods]

Hi

Thanks to all that read my last thread and I have no finally left my partner.

Originally on good terms but we all know that doesn't last and is starting to get messy.

My whole concern is for access arrangements for the children. I want them to see there dad as much as possible. But when I try to discuss it with him he says I won't dictate to him when he has the kids. I really have tried on lots of occasions.

I understand I'm not telling him but feel that structure for the children is important and we know without a shadow of doubt when they will see him (of course taking into consideration normal day to day hicups)

Abusive messages and phone calls etc later I have decided that I want access to be made formal, not that will be the only time he sees the children but the foundations will be put into place. He can see them as much as possible.

I have therefore made an appointment with a solicitor to discuss making the minimum bits more structured. I have spoken to my partner about this and said that I would like his input to in this, but all he said is that am a F this and I think he is going to hurt the kids.

I assure you this isn't the reason, but feel he wont commit with me and want a secure feeling going forward.

Have I done this wrong? Any advice welcome

Hi Noodle. I am not the most experienced on this subject but didn't want your post to go unanswered.

I don't think you have done anything wrong at all. You are right to want and hope for your kids to have regular and frequent access to their Dad. However, its an unfortunate fact that you cannot make him see them.

You can try to regulate access, and in many ways that is a good thing as then you all know where you are and the DC's have some structure.

I have noticed that a common 'gripe' (not saying it is justified) of Dad's in this situation is that they feel their Ex is 'dictating' to them about what they can and can't do with their children. This seems to inflame them and they begin to resist reasonable attempts to resolve things.

Don't misunderstand me, what you are doing is understandable and right(especially when you have been left with all the responsibility). In an ideal world it would be the best course of action.

However, it sounds like your Ex is reacting to what he sees as being 'told what to do'. As such, you may have a better reaction if you could back off a little. You might achieve what you want more easily if you try telling him that you would like to hear what his plans are re. access, and that provided there is no abuse or shouting you would like to agree a plan together.

Then you can decide whether formalising that plan legally (I don't know how this works though) would be a good step- after all I guess it works to protect the DC's, you and him anyway.

I hope some of that made sense. Good luck navigating through this tricky time!!