My husband stops wanting me when I'm pregnant

[honeymoonmum]

I am looking for advice as this is my second pregnancy and yet again my husband totally stopped wanting sex with by about 12 weeks. (He did the same in my first pregnancy, my son is 2, and it took us alot of hard work and relate counselling to start up a physical relationship again - my son was about 1 by the time we started having sex again.

All the way through he claimed he had a low libido and didn't feel like sex then I found loads of porn on the internet. I actually left him at one point - not cause of porn, but his failure to communicate. Even in relate counselling he had maintained he had no sex drive and was not interested.

I am now 8 months pregnant with number 2 and its like groundhog day - I just found some porn on his phone (obviously hiding it as nothing on computer). I just feel despairing, hurt and confused.

Maybe I am wrong to expect my husband to desire me when pregnant - Im so confused - don't lots of articles in magazines go on about how sex is safe in pregnancy - some men must want to. What's wrong with me??????

Is my marriage doomed??? I feel so alone and unhappy.

He definitely isn't scared of hurting baby, it could be the madonna/whore thing. He was at the birth but i had a c-section so he didn't see anything too graphic - though it was quite traumatic emergency c-section.

I too am gagging for it all the time and have been all the way through - if I was a man most people would have expected me to have an affair by now - I have no idea what his problem is with me - I'm usually 5 ft 4 9 stone, reasonably attractive - obviously Im big now as pregnant but get lots of compliments saying I look great and bump really small and neat so not like a huge whale (not that that should matter either way)

This is why I feel my marriage is doomed. How can I live with a man who does not fancy me or want me for the rest of my life?

Is he loving and tactile with you other than not wanting sex or is he completely ignoring you physically? It makes a big difference imho.

It's really unfair of him to pretend he doesn't want sex when it's patently obvious that he does, just on his terms! Why should he get sexual "release" in secret, when you aren't?

I know it's fairly common for men to do this but I doubt most of them realise how devastating it can be to their partners, yours does though - after what happened last time I find it odd that he's doing it again. He must have real psychological issues - has he switched off from you emotionally too?

Yes. He drinks quite alot (well I think about 4 cans a night is quite alot on a week day) and he is pretty detached. It's got worse as the pregnancy continues - he used to hug me and kiss me now its a peck on the cheek to say hi/bye and the odd pat on my stomach. I broached subject yesterday and said why was he so detached and he just avoided it and said 'I know I know I'm drinking too much - I'm just going through a phase of it but I've stopped now' (has had 3 mights off).

Thing that hurts is he is SO loving to our 2 year old and sits hugging him with his eyes shut and then looks at me as if to say 'he is so gorgeous' - yes he is but what about me???!!

I sound like a selfish brat but feel like sobbing

You're not selfish at all, you want what we all want, love and support from our husbands while we are more emotionally vulnerable than normal, it's not much to ask, for him to put you first for this brief period , unfortunately he seems incapable of putting your needs before his, he's one of two things, either a selfish pig or he's got deep "issues".

This is something I don't understand so I don't suppose I'm being much use, my experience of pregnancy was completely different thankfully. You need to hear from women who had husbands behave like yours.

My partner finds pregnant women unattractive sexually. Some men do. Your husband has sexual needs hence the porn but doesn't fancy you atm. I know it's hurtful but you can't make him fancy you whilst pg and it's not wrong of him, he just feels that way.

I won't mince my words. This man is disturbed. It may be connected to his mother and the distant past. You will never fathom it out, as he won't come to terms with the reason why he has rejected you, owing to the pregnancy.

I was in a very passionate relationship with the cockroach, until I fell pregnant. However, following the pregnancy announcement, I was six weeks by then, all sex just stopped.

He came out with flimflam excuses raging from having a cold, to 'sex is not my priority right now'. He could not even sit next to me on the settee. I occasionally got the odd peck on the cheek. Incredulous really.

I found it all be to an utter insult, and could only think that he was having a sexual relationship with someone else. Which he denied.

I don't give a hoot about what the pregnancy books say about 'embracing your bump and changing shape'. It's horrible to gradually lose one's size eight figure, and, at the same time, be rejected, sexually and emotionally by the one whom you would expect to provide the most support.

We are no longer together. I could not stand the fact that he no longer desired me. He did not want the baby anyway, so I believe there was a lot of hatred and jealousy directed towards me and the baby, all caught up in the mix too.

I would like to give you some constructive advice, but, unfortunately, there is none. However, believe me, it's not you who is the problem. It's him.

I k now exactly what you mean Hodie - I went from a size 8 and nice figure to pregnancy and was rejected sexually and emotionally with first pregnancy - we were just married after a short engagement so thought he was just getting his head around things but this time it's different.

He adores our son and we both planned and wanted another one so he has no excuse.

I do think he is fucked up in a big way and comes from a very fucked up family (siblings are single parents never married - either into drink/drugs or one committed suicide - all the drinking etc excused as just partying as they are pretty respectable family) I now wonder if his siblings are single as they have similar issues?

What the hell do you do if you love your husband but he is a closed, emotionally void stranger in the relationship?

I could write a letter Kerry Mumbles but we really have discussed this over and over (in counselling too) He is fully aware of how I feel just obviously can't help the way he is.

It's so difficult as I know some men go off their partners when pregnant but it's the lies about no libido and lack of emotional support and love I find hard too.

Will try a letter.....seems only way to go from here. Wish me luck and thanks for your advice .

The lack of sex is just a minor symptom of a much larger problem, it seems.
His total lack of empathy, his emotional detachment and his inability to be honest with you are at the root of this.

Maybe psyhco-sexual counselling would be of greater help for him?

You would have thought so-that's what we paid for last year (resulting in current pregnancy and me thinking things were ok again!!!) He needs therapy of some kind as he is making me so unhappy.

Kittywise-it's not as simple as him going off me in pregnancy as it lasted a year after baby born too!!!! Been married 34 months and 25 months of that non sexual!!!! I was only pregnant 16 months in that time.

More I think about it, more I realise it's his issue AGAIN.

Now what do I do???!!! I've told him he needs help, he won't get it. I'm stuck.

honeymoonmum, you have done all you can.

For what it's worth, the cockroach came from an utterly fucked up family too. But, don't we all, some to a greater extent than others.

He also drank. Added to this, he needed constant female attention. One sexual partner was never enough for him, although he consistently denied it. Sadly, this all stemmed from his childhood. Not that he would ever accept this, or, speak to anyone about this in a professional capacity.

You are not stuck. However, the options are never easy. You either stay and lead a less than happy life, or, you go and make a life on your own with the little ones. I wish you luck.

Well my ex did this twice and I was told it was a power and control thing.
He was (is) an emotional abuser and this was the start for him to really zone in on me.

If I am scaring you then let him read this thread and see how his behaviour is scaring you.
Good luck