Was this an affair of sorts? how do i move past it?

[armbow]

I am hoping someone can help me.

A while ago I posted on here as DH had left our home after having doubts over whether or not he still loved me. he said that he thought he was in love with someone else as he thought about her alot. he had been thinking about her for a few months. the guilt made him tell me. nothing happened with her, she did not even know - he does not see her day to day and she lives away most of the time. he went away on the night he told me this and came to tell me the next day that it was not love he felt for her but an infatuation that had esculated in his head. he said he realised this as soon as he said it out loud to me.

he stayed away for a few nights (at his friends house - round the corner) and did not come home until he was sure he had this right in his head. he went for individual counselling and went together aswell. this helped enormously and I think (hope) that he is fine now. I however am not fine. I deeply love him but cannot fully get over what he told me. i am constantly second guessing him (does he love me etc etc) I don't ask him, but he never really tells me either. he is loving in other ways though - hugs little kisses thoughtful etc. but i fear i am becoming obsessive with these negative thoughts - is he thinking about her again etc.

is this normal - will it fade? (it all happened about 3 months ago)

I want to jump in with all my heart and love him as though this never happened but my mind is holding back and I fear it could be damaging in the long run.

any help appreciated,

looking back over post i can now see that i am having trouble defining what actually happened.

"DH had left our home after having doubts over whether or not he still loved me."

I am sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time. You have to ask yourself though, why would you want to be with someone who doesn't know if he loves you or not?! It must have been incredibly painful to hear your dh utter those words and honestly, if I was in your position, I don't know if I will be able to move past something like that.

Maybe it's just me, but no amount of counselling would make me feel better when my dh has to go away for a while to decide if he still loves me...it ludicrous! No wonder you are having doubts, I would be having them too. How long before he has another one of his 'I don't know if I still love you' spells? Are you just supposed to hang around and hope and pray that he has now finally decided how he feels about you? Like a grateful little puppy, begging to be loved? Real love is unconditional and unchanging...yes, we all go through patches where we don't much like the person we married, but we never doubt whether we still love them or them us.

I'm sorry if I'm being harsh and unsympathetic about your dh's actions, but from your OP, I don't see how this new situation is benefiting you...he has sorted himself out (oh goody) and has moved on, completely oblivious to how his actions had hurt you (have you ever told him?), but what about how this whole spell of his has affected and is still affecting you? If I was in your position, I would tell him that I am going away for a couple of days, to decide if I can live with the fact that he couldn't decide if he still love me or not.

Nina says
I am sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time. You have to ask yourself though, why would you want to be with someone who doesn't know if he loves you or not?!

maybe she wants to be with him because she loves him. You can't and don't stop loving someone just because they go cool on you!

I'd say that these types of feelings are perfectly common in many relationships. I have a friend who has been coming and going emotionally in her marriage for over 10 years, unsure of how she feels with not another person on the horizon at all, - with no sex in her marriage- but they are still together. The crunch for her was finding him looking at internet dating sites for a "foreign wife". But they are still together, albeit a bit shakily.

People just don't walk away from a marriage at the drop of a hat and because one partner suddenly cools or has doubts.

What I am surprised at is how the OP's DH was so honest; most people would keep these thoughts to themselves and struggle on unilt they had got over it, or walked away.

OP I think you have to try to trust again and carry on as if almost nothing had happened. Your negative thinking could well become a self-fulfilling prophecy- little by little your insecurity will nibble away at any love left.

Hard as it is, you have to believe that your DH wants to be with you- otherwise why would he be there? Love him fully- what have you got to lose?

best quote I ever heard was at a gold wedding anniversary. when asked the secret of their long and mostly happy wedding she replied 'we never both fell out of love at the same time'. any relationship has rough spots and it says a lot that your dh was able to tell you. tell him how you feel. you both deserve it.

sadly h and I both fell out of love at the same time. maybe if we'd talked I wouldn't be packing the house up now :-(

thank you everyone,

some days are better then others I am finding and today has been a bad day. something can happen to trigger a memory and it all comes flooding back. I think my subconscious is trying to bury it and every time I am reminded it hurts likes hell.

i feel as though i am at a dead end - i don't want to keep asking him for reassurance because i know that this is very needy but at the same time i need it so so much.

i am very worried that this will eat away at me little by little over the years.

i wish he never told me to be honest - considering the circumstances and that it was an infatuation in his head - i think he should have lived with the guilt.

how can i understand something that never happened in RL? just in his fantasies?

i can't put any parameters on it - i can't jusge just how serious it was.