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Original poster

Should I stay friendly with this Twunt of an exH?

14 replies

SpiritualKnot · 12/05/2010 07:35

Hi there, sorry to keep posting, but find it helps to see of others have had similar experiences?

Background: H left for OW a month or so ago after 19 years marriage leaving me and 2 kids. He pops by most days,to see the kids, we're getting on ok.

Just realised yesterday that for about the last year or so, he was only nice to me, that is, had nice chats with me when sex was on the cards...that was his foreplay...that upset me to realise that. And then if I didn't want sex, he'd be pissed off coz he'd wasted his time being nice to me. I used to try and keep these friendly chats going for about an hour if I could...

On a normal day, that is, when he wasn't wanting sex, he'd be dismissive of me,maybe start a conversation nicely but within 5 minutes start saying things like...."when are you going to get your hair done?" "Please tell me you didn't wear that top to work?" "Are you still on your diet?", "If I ever have an accident, please don't come and see me in hospital in those shoes" etc etc

What I mean is, it wasn't me being awful and ignoring him, it WAS him driving me away, resulting in me having to ignore him and withdraw. This is yet another jolt to my system, making me realise it wasn't my fault and that I've been married to a man who basically turned into a git.

I spose it's normal not to notice these things when you're still married to a person? Felt such anger about this yesterday. I see him and now it's nice chats all the way, how it should've been in the marriage. We don't want to get back together, I would never take him back, totally on principle. My aim is for us tio get on well together, with no sex (than God) and for the OW to get the shitty side of him, which I know she will end up getting.

Is it daft of me to carry on being friendly with him, when he's obviously been a Twunt? As I said, I would never take him back and as such, don't want to play any games, such as pretending to reject him so he wants to come back. But is being nice to him going to result in it being harder for me in some ways?

OP posts:

VictoriasLittleKnownSecret · 12/05/2010 07:46

HI SK

Contact is good from my point of view because we have children. At important family events it's good to be able to be civil/comfortable etc

However contact should be appropriate and meet your needs.

Your current needs are... a bit of distance to enable you to see him and see the marriage with more clarity. You will 'cycle' like this and alternately wonder why you were married and then mourn the good times. It's normal and healthy and part of moving on.

VictoriasLittleKnownSecret · 12/05/2010 07:47

Don't play games. Be honest and put your feelings and needs after the boys.... if appropriate but before the EXH's always

partytime · 12/05/2010 07:53

SK - if you have read my posts about staying friends with ex, then I hope the replies will help you put some perspective on it.

My situation slightly different as my ex is so reasonable, never says anything unpleasant to me, would never dream of asking for sex, but just wants to be 'friends'

You have to decide what you want from your future relationship from your ex.

I have decided no contact other than what is necessary is best for me as I am still very much in love with mine and it hurts to see him.

I must say that if he is disrespectful and cruel to you, then I would think very carefully, who would want to be friendly with someone like that.

Original poster

SpiritualKnot · 12/05/2010 09:18

Thanks for the responses. I shouldn't have gone on about how he used to be in the marriage, he was driving me away so he could have this affair and that's how he chose to do it, ie by making snide comments.

He's not after sex now, he's got that with the OW. Sex with him was not good. What I meant that now we are apart he's very pleasant-friendly, nice and chatty. How we'd be if we were work mates or brother/sister kind of thing.

As far as I'm concerned,he is never going to realise he's been awful to me, so he's never going to feel any remorse about what he has done and that's that. So I might as well just get on with him, he hasn't been this nice to me for years. But is this healthy for me to want to be so friendly?

I want to be taken out of the equation in his and the OW relationship, don't want to fuel their passion by being openly angry with him. I try and be friendly but indifferent about what's going on in his life on a personal level.

The kids love it that we get on like this, they know he's not coming back.

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 12/05/2010 09:24

does he not take the kids away for his access...to his place? or for overnights?

Original poster

SpiritualKnot · 12/05/2010 09:38

He lives in a flat on his own, in the town next to this one (where his OW lives with her parents), but works in this town where I live with the kids.So he tends to come by on his way to or from work. If he picks dd (10), up from the local school, he comes back to this house with her. I work full time but am off with stress at the moment so see more of him than I would if I was working, I'm back next week.

Dd stays with him at his rented flat one night a week. If he didn't come here, he probably wouldn't see our DS(18), though DS is going to Uni in October.

Because of H's affair, he's to be transferred to another area, about 7 miles in the other direction, so there will be much less popping by. He will probably want to pick her up from school and stay at mine until I get home from work? She starts Secondary school in Sept and will be coming home on her own, so again, there will be less contact.

I can imagine that his contact is going to drop a lot. This OW has a child as well, aged 3 yrs. All sounds a bit messy really.

OP posts:

wheresmypaddle · 12/05/2010 11:09

Hi SK. I have a few perspectives on this- both as a child of divorced parents and a newly 'left' single mum!!

From the point of view of a child of divorced parents I can say that even though I realised that my parents were not going to get back together the fact that they were amicable made a huge difference to me personally. I realise this is not the case as everyone is different.

For them to 'join forces' for key events, difficult times (e.g. exam stress, illness) and get on for my sake made me very happy. It helped me to truly feel that they both loved me enough to put their differences aside when it mattered.

From the point of view of someone whos DP has recently left (still very raw) I know its not that simple especially in the early stages. I think there is a possibility that it hinders you 'moving on'- although your OP clearly states you are not hoping for a reconciliation.

Personally, I don't think there is a clear answer to this type of dilemma. Its a balancing act between doing the right thing for DCs and yourself. Obviously DCs come first, but then I think we owe it to our DCs to do some things that help ourselves to move on smoothly as that is a route to being a better parent to them ourselves.

Good luck on this rollercoaster- you sound really strong which is brilliant.

Original poster

SpiritualKnot · 12/05/2010 13:35

Thanks for that wheresmypaddle, glad to hear it has benefits for the kids.

I can feel they love it, they both come down and laugh at us, don't think they've seen us get on this well for a while.

I still have my moments and lose it with him, but have told him that's how it's going to be.

I can see the contact dropping though, once he moves to work in this other area and kids are more independent in their new schools. So I s'pose all the more important to let them see that his work commitments rather than any animosity between us, is the reason for reduced contact that will probably happen. (Bit of a long sentence there, think it makes sense).

I think being friendly will make it harder for me to move on, but as I say, there will be less contact as time goes on, which should help I think. I am aiming for a platonic friendship.

OP posts:

wheresmypaddle · 12/05/2010 14:21

I think you are right. If his work and other commitments get in the way then in a way at last the DCs can see this is down to him and no reflection on you.

Also, perhaps as the split is so recent its reassuring ATM for the children to see their Dad quite a lot. As time goes on if contact lessens a bit it will be less of a 'shock' to them as it will be a more gradual reduction.

I think you should be kind to yourself and give yourself a pat on the back for being so strong.

You might want to make a note of all the reasons you wouldn't take EX back- because IMHO he may realise the grass isn't greener once the dust settles!!

AnyFucker · 12/05/2010 14:50

SK...from what you post and the place emotionally you appear to be in, it seems OK to be friendly

and that it won't stop you moving on

it is very, very recent though, so just make sure you re-assess where you are at constantly and make it absolutely clear to yourself that if it all gets so cosy and comfortable that you start to minimize the bad bits, then you withdraw

his r'ship with OW may very well go tits-up quite quickly and you might find yourself being his shoulder to lean on...that is not a good position to be in

I am just saying beware

Original poster

SpiritualKnot · 12/05/2010 14:51

Hi again

Thank you. I won't take him back,I do love him but I just need to remember how much he'd changed. Also, one of the main reasons will be the principle. Many years ago I found out my mum was having an affair, told NO-ONE, including my mum, although she knew I'd seen. (Naked photos of her on and in a neighbours bed).

This is first time I've ever mentioned it!, I was only about 18 at the time and this is 30 years on. I turned my back on the photos and carried on my conversation with her (she used to clean the guy's house). She stopped working there shortly afterwards and the guy stopped calling round to our house.

It made me hate infidelity with a vengeance and I know I would never do it myself.I adore my father. It's important for me and very reassuring for me to know that I can finally show my mother my distaste of infidelity. Also I have a thing after never having "sloppy seconds" anyway.

Sound awful don't I? My mum is in her 70's now, but I know she still remembers that day.

OP posts:

wheresmypaddle · 12/05/2010 15:21

You don't sound awful at all. You sound sure and strong, I think that's a great place to be (trying and failing to get there myself {grin}).

Finding out wahat your mum had been up and to keep secret for so long to must have been really tough. Especially after finding out in such a graphic way. .

I am betting it feels good to let it out finally- good on you!!

AF talks sense- as always!!

wheresmypaddle · 12/05/2010 15:25

I mean !!!

SolidGoldBrass · 12/05/2010 15:25

Given that you know he's changing jobs etc, then it;s probably the best idea all round to let contact taper off a little in natural stages, and it;s a really good thing to be keeping everything as civil as possible. But do remember that the order of priority in your head should be DCS feelings first, then your feelings, and his last. Because he made the mess in the first place.

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