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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

relationship breaking down

12 replies

volcanicflower · 11/05/2010 22:35

wow I feel so used... what's the point everything I have done has been for no use.. I listen to myself and cannot believe that I am a strong independent woman (ha) I know that he is abusing me but there is not enough marks for it to be real... Im so alone and feel like I am mad for even thinking this. The scariest thought is what about the children. I really don't want them to grow up with out their dad around. Not sure that I'm strong enough to do this on my own...

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 11/05/2010 22:38

how long has this been happening?

a happy mum on her own, is far better than the role model they will be seeing

BigBadMummy · 11/05/2010 22:42

You were strong enough to come on here and type this post.

Something you probably haven't felt able to do before.

Do you want to talk?

whatname · 11/05/2010 22:55

do you want your children to grow up knowing daddy is being horrible to mummy? There are varying degrees of abuse... all unacceptable
Is he physically abusing you?

whatname · 11/05/2010 22:56

oh, that sounded very unsympathetic, sorry

volcanicflower · 11/05/2010 22:56

I'm just so lost. My mum died suddenly two years ago and she was my rock who helped me put things into perspective. He has defiantly got a problem with booze but will not admit it, he says he can not remember shouting at me or attacking me. It was different when baby girl was small but she's now 5 and i really don't what her to think this is normal. Have to say that I can not go a day with out my 40 mL of prozac and of course that he thinks that it's all me in my head but the bruises on my arms from two weeks ago do not lie. there just is so much to even think about in a break up. I just keep thinking about wardrobes and other stupid things like that.. This has been going on for seven years and things just keep getting worse.. money is always an issue. i grew up without my dad and never wanted that for my children. just keep thinking that he will wake up to what he's like.

OP posts:
whatname · 11/05/2010 22:59

does he drink all the time?

volcanicflower · 11/05/2010 23:06

most of the time now, got made redundant about 1 1/2 yrs ago and has very much fallen in to this habbit allot more and of course its mainly at home. And all my money. If I want a glass of plonk in the evening I feel that I must hide it.

OP posts:
volcanicflower · 11/05/2010 23:11

god it's amazing how silly i sound never thought that this would be me..

OP posts:
PotPourri · 11/05/2010 23:13

Good dads do not beat the child's mother. What does that teach your daughter about how she should expect to be treated?

Sounds like you are in the stronger position here volcanic - you are the money earner.

You need to get some support. Get your finances in order before jumping into something (can you stash some too as a buffer)

You could also benefit from relate maybe to work through yoru feelings and how to express how his behaviour is making you feel.

He can still see his kids and be part of their lives without living with him.

Hope you find the strength to do what is right for you and your family.

BTW - no bloody wonder you need prozac. That's classic - he thinks you are useless when really it is likely that he has worn you down so much that you are now a shadow of yourself. Visualise yourself being strong and confident and a wonderful role model for your daughter - you will get there one day - but not if you do nothing (not saying you need to necessarily leave btw)

Anniegetyourgun · 12/05/2010 09:08

How can you possibly want your children to grow up with a violent drunk in their lives, though? OK, you missed having a dad when you were young, but a man like that is not a dad either. He's... did I already say violent drunk? If he's good with the children when he's sober then, as PotPourri says, he can be good with them during access times, which can be as generous as you want. But I can't see that being under the same roof with a you-know-what is really a good option.

As an aside, I do sometimes wonder when women say "I couldn't do that to the kids", whether it's an excuse that saves them having to make a difficult decision. Because leaving a marriage is hard, make no mistake - though sometimes it's so bad that not leaving it is harder. But they don't have to think about it because there is this one great obstacle to doing anything at all: Not Taking The Children Away From Their Dad. Then they can feel all noble next time they've been kicked down the stairs, because it's all for the kiddies. It sounds like I despise such women - believe me that's not the case - it's the attitude of mind I despise, and the situations that force us into it. I've done my share of denial, in marriage and in other situations too (though XH was never violent), looking for any excuse not to have to think about an issue today or tomorrow, maybe some time next week, or in 15 years' time when the children leave school... Think about it now, I say, look at what is really happening. This is not your childhood that you're having a chance to relive, this time choosing to keep your father around; it's a different situation, different man and different children (yours! They're not you, but they are your responsibility) and it's BAD.

I know Attila will be on shortly to remind you that children learn about relationships from their parents, and that learning to be beaten by an alcoholic is not really what you want for your daughter in years to come, surely?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/05/2010 09:47

Volcanic Flower

As Annie has already written I will indeed remind you that children learn about relationships first and foremost from their parents. You are both currently teaching your child damaging lessons here.

He will not change and will never accept responsibility for his alcoholism. By being there too all you are now doing is enabling him and propping him up. You need to realise you are NOT responsible for him and you must get support for your own self. Al-anon for you would be good for you and also Womens Aid would be worth contacting.

You are most likely on prozac as well because you've been driven to it by his drunkenness and abusive behaviours. You did not have a Dad when growing up for which I am very sorry but it is not acceptable either for your child to be witness to all this unhappiness now just so she can have a Dad around. He is truly no Dad to her nor a H to you. This will emotionally harm her and she could well go onto choose an alcoholic for a partner and or become super responsible. This is not a legacy you want to leave her as her Mum. You can have better lives without him in it on a daily basis.

There is help out there to leave; you need to take the first and hardest step to get yourselves away from him. He will destroy you both if you stay.

You have a choice with regards to him and taking his abuse, your child does not.

happystory · 12/05/2010 10:27

Can I tell you my story? (briefly) My father drank to excess, in the days when it was quite normal for men to go to the pub regularly in the evenings. He would come back belligerent and shouting. Nothing was ever right. We moved house many times cos of money problems which could have been alleviated if he had stopped spending so much on drink. He was physically and verbally abusive to my mother and the next day be very apologetic...

By the time I was about 11 I prayed and prayed that she would leave him. My brother and I would MUCH rather have been on our own with Mum in whatever circumstances than them be together. He destroyed my mum's soul and she has never really recovered her peace of mind or confidence. (They finally divorced when I was 25.)

Staying together for the kids is not always the answer...

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