two is enough...

[brightredracer]

My dilema has been on going for about 9 years, since I had my adorable DS. My DH stated that he did not want more children, but I was still keen for more. I have a daughter from a previous relationship, and she is a joy, and seems to be leaving the terrible teenage stage now.

DH was so keen for us not to have more children that at the age of 30 he had a vasectomy. I did not consent to the operation, or agree with it, but as I was dependent on him because of our young son I had to go along with his decision. He has always been aware of my wanting a further child. My longing for another child did not decrease despite this operation, and subconsciously my mind began to wander to other options. I am ashamed to say that I had an emotional affair soon after, which finished, but left me very depressed.

I had gynie problems, and had a D & C and a mireena fitted to counteract these. Knowing that I could not concieve. I suggested fostering to DH, he agreed for a while, but rapidly changed his mind when he realised that I would not be able to work as much.

Due to a recent infection I have had the mireena removed, and my body is now behaving very normally. Now I am more aware than ever that I can still have children. But the choice is to leave my husband, hurting my family and have another child, or stay with an essentially good man and give up on a natural desire which seems so painful at the moment.

Lu
x

not such a good man if he went ahead with a vasectomy knowing how upset this would leave you....his body and all that i know......but still...

even his Mum said it was 'cruelty' to do such a thing. I feel so torn between duty to my son, love of my husband and the realisation that time is rapidly running out .

But fostering is 'work' - you need to give lots of time to a fostered child & you do get very well recompensed for your efforts by the state. Perhaps you should look into this more carefully.

If fostering isn't for you, perhaps there are other ways you could channel your feelings into something constructive - e.g. offering relief care for families of children with special needs, volunteering to help at a school/ youth club / baby group, taking disadvantaged children into your home for holidays (there is a scheme that offers UK holidays to children from parts of Ukraine affected by Chernobyll for example), or even helping out in a children's charity.

Whilst I agree that your DH was out of order to get the snip without your agreement, but at the end of the day you say you love him, you have children with him who also love their family and its stability - if you gave all that up, you'd have so much emotional baggage that you'd not really be in the right place (emotionally) to have another baby (IMHO).

But I do understand how hard it can be when you don't feel you've finished having children and circumstances mean that you may not necessarily get that opportunity. It might help to try and 'reframe' how you feel about life - see what you have, learn to appreciate it, and try to find other ways to fulfil the maternal instincts you have. Good luck.

He doesn´t want any more children & has taken steps for this.

Why should he be condemned for this?

Are you prepared to break up your marriage and the lives of the two children you have, for the possibility that you might have more children if you find someone else? The word is IF.
If you are then this is about more than having another child.
I personally wouldn't foster to try to make up for not being in a position to have another child. I have several friends who have fostered and to be honest their experiences have led me to decide that it's a tough and very unsupported profession. All of them no longer foster, and in each case it was because, when the going got tough, the professionals they worked with let them down.

Thanks for all your advice and viewpoints, I think that things are clearer. I already work for the Scouts and enjoy it enormously. Fostering isnt an option because DH would not agree. I do love him very much, and my children need stability and love. I am the child of divorced parents and I dont want to hurt my little guys by putting them through such a thing. So the logical answer is, try NOT to get so flipping broody, find other ways to work out my maternal instinct and forgive him plus talk to him about it...no matter how hard that seems sometimes.

Brighttredracer A lot of people choose to get a puppy to manage maternal instincts I don't know whether it works or if it is okay to do this but maybe it might help you.

Was about to suggest getting a cat lol!

I know it is over-simplified in a way, but I love my cats for their affection, and the fact they're always there for me offering love and company. (Anyone that says cats aren't like that can jog on).

It depends on why you want more children tbh - do you want something to look after, to love and who will love you back unconditionally, or is it more complicated - i.e. you specifically want a sibling for your DS, want another girl/boy etc.