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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

am i a horrible person as dh says?

15 replies

donna1966 · 11/05/2010 21:21

my dh says i am a horrible person, you will all probably agree with him.
I told him earlier this evening that life would have been so much easier if we had not had our 3rd child.
I was totally against going through with the pregnancy but he wanted it. Now I seem to spend every day resenting my child for being here, and my dh for pushing me to have him.
What do I do,? This is killing my marriage and killing me with guilt

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 11/05/2010 21:23

how old is dc 3?

lilmissmummy · 11/05/2010 21:23

Hi donna, how old are you children? It sounds to me like you need a break. Is there anyway you can leave your dc with him for a couple of days to get some time out stay with family/friends?

stripeyknickersspottysocks · 11/05/2010 21:26

You don't sounds like a horrible person. Having kids is hard work and I imagine that as the mum the majority of childcare falls to you.

Do you think you may have p/n depression?

donna1966 · 11/05/2010 22:17

my dc s are 2 3 and 8.
Yes it probably is pnd, already been on anti depressants, but they made no difference.
As soon as my dh said he wanted this 3rd baby, all I wanted was to kill myself. Decided to kill myself asa baby born. Then I decided to kill myself and take him with me.
I told him this baby would kill our marriage, but he just lauged and told me not to silly.
i hate the fact that he cinsiders me a horible person because I have ambiguous feelings towards this child.
what I hate more though is the terrible guilt I feel in not loving my ds as I should.

OP posts:
msboogie · 11/05/2010 23:40

You need to get back to your GP and tell them that the anti D's haven't worked as a matter of urgency

you do love our child you are just not well at the moment and can't feel it and your husband is being very unsupportive

Anniegetyourgun · 12/05/2010 08:29

Your H sounds like the horrible person, forcing you to have a pregnancy you didn't want, laughing at your deepest feelings, and then despising you for your very natural unhappiness. Having children is very hard work in all departments, not least emotionally, and he's just dumped this on you and has the nerve to laugh at your pain, and then tell you you are wicked for being sad. Insensitive arse!

Don't feel guilty about DS3. We can't help who we love. Although of course it isn't his fault that he is mixed up with all this negativity, it isn't yours either. (I would trot out "he didn't ask to be born", but then neither did you or I.) How can you relax enough to feel warm and loving, when the child's very existence says "your feelings do not matter"? At the same time, I hope you manage to treat him with as much kindness and consideration as you would any of the others, and realise that he is as much a victim as you are of his dad's insistence he should be brought into the world. One day you may well fall in love with him. It's very likely your H's onging refusal to acknowledge your bitterness which is getting in the way of this.

Not that it's anything like the same, as I did mean to have him, but I had trouble bonding with DS4 as I seemed to be "all loved out" and, as the other three got older, no longer able to engage with babies. (In hindsight probably the onset of depression.) With my eyes I saw a lovely child, as indeed he was, but with my heart I didn't see one that was really mine, somehow - just a little stranger I had to cope with. I used to hold him close every day and murmur "I love you, baby", and one day I realised it was true. Today he's a lovely young teen of whom I am so proud, and still loves his cuddles! His dad, on the other hand, is not on the scene...

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 12/05/2010 08:32

I was going to say what Annie did, but she's more eloquent so I shan't bother. But please read her post.

warthog · 12/05/2010 09:05

i agree with annie.

and i know i'll be flamed for this, but i think going to the docs to get pills is a bad idea. you are feeling the way you are for a very good reason and you need to work through this. i think you are right that having an unwanted child forced on you by your dh will wreck your marriage.

i don't think this is pnd, i think this is having to deal with an arse of a dh and being forced to bring up a child you didn't want. bloody hard work. i'd be bitter and resentful.

as annie says, do the best you can to not take it out on the child. not his fault, he's in this as much as you are. poor thing.

i think it's time for counseling to see if you can save it. about time your dh woke up and started treating you like a human being who counts.

all of that said you did get pregnant, so you need to take some responsibility for the situation. it's not 100% on him is it?

Anniegetyourgun · 12/05/2010 09:25

Thanks Tortoise

I'd go so far as to say that if the youngest is now 2, it can't still be PND - can anyone with medical knowledge confirm? The little pills can be great for helping you through a problem in the short term, but as Warthog says, the problem itself needs addressing, not covering up. She also makes an interesting point, that you felt so badly about a third child that you were going to kill yourself before you even got pregnant - and yet you went ahead and did it. What does this say about the balance of power in your relationship? It says you have none at all, or perceive you have none, and that you saw no way in this life of getting out of doing exactly what he wants. Thank God you had enough strength left that you chose to live. As long as you're alive there's a chance to fight back. I don't know where you are, but in most countries these days wives are not slaves, they are partners, and they do have a say over their own bodies, what/who goes into them, and whether or not they stay in relationships with horrible dictators.

Now tell me he's a really nice man and so good with the children

newnamethistime · 12/05/2010 11:21

I've had depression, PND, ante-natal depression, PND and back to plain old depression again .
You don't have mild depression at all, you are having a particularly acute depressive episode and you need to go to the doc as a matter of urgency.
Please phone today. Because your depression is so long lasting I would strongly suggest that you seek some form of counselling.

You don't need to feel like this, please get some help.

vintagewarrior · 28/05/2010 09:50

Please don't worry about being a horrible person it's ONLY pnd. I have felt similar to this about having my first child at 36, my whole life restricted to feeding changing etc in a small flat, had said some terrible things. On 2nd anti d's now and feelin much better. Pnd makes you think and act weird, do not treat it likes it's part of your real personality. Go see docs, I finally properly bonded with my son after 18 months, there's still time, and not your fault. X

LittleMissHissyFit · 28/05/2010 20:49

donna, thinking of you honey, you are not a horrible person, if you were you wouldn't be here asking us.

I agree with the others that say that you need a bit of extra help. Please go to the Dr, and get some help, you are not well at the moment, and it's perfectly understandable.

It will get better, you will get over this, I promise, but you have to get a bit of a leg up from the medical professionals.

Come on my girl, you can do it!

dittany · 28/05/2010 20:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LynetteScavo · 28/05/2010 21:00

You need to go back to your GP.

I don't think you or your DH are horrible people, but I do think some different anti - depressants could be of great help to you.

It's hard with 3 DC's and many, many people only get through it with help from there GP.

LynetteScavo · 28/05/2010 21:00

Their GP

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