Is dh turning into a liar?

[fridgeraiders]

Never posted on relationships before. Been with DH about 10 years, we are happy and are expecting dc2 in a few weeks. A couple of months ago I saw he had looked at a porn site on the computer (he deleted history but it came up when i searched for something else). I was really hurt by this particularly as it was skinny woman with fake breasts and i am enormous, not skinnhy and pg at the moment. I confronted him, told him how upset i was and he said he looked out of curiousity and wouldn't do it again.

Last night i found cigarettes in his pocket (he gave up about 6 years ago) when he got home i asked if he was smoking again and he denied it but then said 'ok, you caught me' when i told him i found them. He said it was occasional, down the pub etc. I said i was disappointed and it worried me this had been a few months.

I'm now worried about what else he is hiding from me and paranoid pg brain going into overdraft. He says there is nothing else. Told him i am giving birth in few weeks and don't have time for him to have mid life crisis and as he is nearly 50 he is too old for one anyway. NOt sure what advice i want really, just not sure what to make of it all.

Am disappointed to learn that 50 is too old for mid-life crisis and that overdraft in the brain is possible.

Understand your worries about lies. That is more important than the things he is lying about. Cigarettes are his own decision aren't they? Although you might casually mention that cigarette smoke stays on the breath for 12 hours after a cigarette is smoked. How will that affect his relationship with the new baby when it's born?

Perhaps you might indicate that you too have guilty secrets and then refuse point blank to tell him what they are.

Sorry, but you are right to be worried. Small deceits give way to bigger lies and there is a really unhealthy dynamic in your relationship whereby he does something you don't approve of, does it in secret, lies about it when confronted and then fesses up when it's obvious you've got proof. What relationship does this remind you of in most family households?

He's lying to you about "looking out of curiosity" at porn. It's the same hackneyed excuse time and time again, whether it's porn or escort sites.

Can you have a mature honest discussion about honesty and achieving an adult-adult relationship? He is certainly not too old for a MLC and if he's still behaving like a teenage boy caught out by his Mum at this age, you'll need to stop the rot setting in.

If he was about 39 when you got together, what were his earlier relationships like and how did they end? I'm wondering whether he learned a habit very early on that it's permissible to lie and deceive one's partner, or behave like a rebellious child. Any infidelity on his part in his past relationships?

I am younger than him so maybe will drop hints own midlife crisis about to hit and he will be left at home with 2 young dcs will i swan round in porsche. (particurlarly worrying as i can drive). My dad has started smoking again after giving up 3 years ago and dh knew how worried i was about his health. Have also had to listen to dh's 'health niggles' of which there are many whilst i am dealing with pg and gest diabetes. Now feel if he is going to moan he can at least look after himself a bit.

Apologies for the brain/overdraft worry.This does not affect bank balance.

He was 35 when we got together, he has had a few long term relationships. No infidelity as far as i know.

He is a bit of a mummy's boy and i think he would be far more worried about his mum finding out he had been smoking than he would about me knowing.

Fridgeraider: have you asked him how he can expect you to trust him if he lies to you?

I like the idea of your swanning around in a Porsche.

OP: You ask whether your DH is turning into a liar. [Male perspective alert]: We're all to some degree liars, especially about our vices. For example; porn only exists because there's a more or less inexhaustible demand for it. Do I know, objectively, that porn is awful and in many ways is both a product of and a cause of the objectification and abuse of women? Yes. Do I know that my wife hates porn for those and many other reasons? Yes. Do I want to and/or am I going to stop using porn for my own sexual gratification? No.
Now, that may be because we have massively different sex-drives and I'm not terribly happy with 50 times a year (on average), and the militant [Millie Tant] wing of Mumsnet may flame me for daring to suggest that I should be anything less than ecstatic for having a lady consent to touch me at all, but I should say at this point that I love my wife to bits and fancy her no end; she just doesn't want it as much as I do. And she really, really doesn't understand either how or why I can just get off looking at porn [we've talked about this].
We also have a similar disagreement about smoking. I love smoking: I only really gave up coz it was killing me (fist-sized lumps of black phlegm in the shower). I will smoke when I think I can get away with it. Which of course I can't, viz previous posters point about it staying on your breath for 12 hours.
My point, if there is such a thing, is that "live and let live" ain't such a bad motto for living a life. If he can still get out of bed in the morning and go make a living, and if you fancy him and if he fancies you and if you still have moments where you both laugh at the same thing and complete each others' sentences &c, &c, &c... and that's it, that's all from me. Go cuddle.

Hi all - I have similar dishonest husband issue with porn -Dan savage-thought your message was interesting re your wife hating porn yet you not stopping using it. I can see your point if she is less sexually driven than you as I am in the situation where my DH is less driven/interested in me than I am in him. I HATE him looking at porn and actually left him last year as we were not sleeping together and he had told me he had no sex drive then found loads of porn on internet. We went to relate and things got a bit better. My problem is I keep finding he has looked again when refusing to come near me even when I offer it on a plate so to speak!!! Latest - was looking for videos of our son on his phone and found three porn vids alongside it - nice! Not sure if it is the fact he has images of men sucking c**k next to images of my precious baby or if its coz I'm 8 months pregnant and feel threatened but my issue is....my sex drive is higher than his - he never wants sex (or not with me anyway) whether I'm pregnant or not it is rare for him to want it. When I'm pregnant he won't come near me AT ALL. It is sooo hurtful and confusing. Would you not say in this instance he prefers the porn/other women to me?????

sorry meant to write women in porn-don't think DH is gay though may explain alot!?

i doubt he's turning into a liar, by the sound of it he's always been a bit of a liar.

It's just that you are pregnant and a bit obsessy that you have noticed now.

He's always been a liar, it was his mum he used to lie to and now its you.

Hmm. Dan, thanks for the male perspective. I did have a chat with him about all of this last night and he did seem to 'get' that now was a particularly bad time for him to be behaving like this. I have told him that i'm not his mother and can he stop treating me like i am. Have decided to be supportive of his efforts to give up smoking rather than judgey about the fact that he's doing it.

In his defence, with have a good relationship in most other ways, he is generous, kind, pulls his weight at home etc. I don't think he is having an affair.

So Dan, you know full well that your wife hates your use of porn for various reasons, yet you will not stop using it? Nice.
Marriage is all about compromise you know.

Does she know about/accept your use of porn in secret? You don't need porn to be able to satisfy your sexual needs, but she might need you not to use it, if that makes sense.
If you knew that your porn use was destroying her respect for you and affecting her self esteem, not to mention any ( very reasonable) moral objections about the porn industry as a whole, would that be enough for you to stop using it?

Are you prepared for the fact that it could mean the end of your marriage if you are keeping your habit secret and your wife finds out? It's secrecy, not necessarily porn that kills relationships.

I'll admit I don't understand the compulsion to use porn, it's not something my DH is interested in, but would it really kill you not to use it?

Just out of curiosity, what age are you?

I admire your frankness on here, Dan, but feel you are harming yourself as much by viewing porn, as I do by eating too many biscuits. Tastes nice at the time but many reasons to regret it afterwards:

1 you have to lie about it
2 gives you unrealistic expectations of women in the real world
3 can turn into an addiction.

There has been some interesting research I heard about on the radio (sorry can't remember source) that said men who viewed porn were more likely to be discontented with their RL partners than those who don't.

Agree with Mal who says "you don't need to do it" but not when she says your dw "needs you not to do it". More accurate to say she would prefer you not to do it. I think a man harms himself more than his partner by viewing porn in secret. She would have more to complain about if you made her watch it too.

And by the way - you say she doesn't want sex as often as you do. Have you ever wondered why? Perhaps she feels overwhelmed by housework. Perhaps you don't buy her enough flowers. Perhaps you are an inadequate lover. Perhaps you have let yourself go and she doesn't fancy you any more. Perhaps you have bad breath. Perhaps she has a physical problem that prevents her from enjoying it eg lack of lubrication .... I could go on and on and on. And on. You are not solving any of these problems by rejecting her in favour of celluloid. You haven't even identified the problem.