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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do I do SIL and MIL WARNING V long sorry

29 replies

slushy06 · 11/05/2010 11:32

I had a really crap pg on ds1 spent 6months of it in hospital and we were concerned whether me or the baby would live through the pg. SIL and MIL did nothing to support and only moaned that I hadn't gone up to stay with them and only with my mum (I needed full time care when not in hospital). They never visited me in hospital no card except for when ds was born. However I had a great labor and bf easily and lost my birth weight easily.

Sil ds1 was easy pg, csec, did not lose the birth weight and choose not to bf. Fast forward Sil had a Miscarriage and I supported her through this she took about a year to conceive and I again supported her through this she had another good pg but bad birth ecsec again I supported her through all of this. So much so that she said that I was more supportive than her dh. However she wanted a girl and had two ds she convinced herself that the miscarriage was a girl.

I announced after her son was 2 months that I was pg I had discussed it with gp and we had minimized the risk of me being ill.
However at about 6 weeks the signs started to emerge and I panicked Sil said 'I can't have it both ways I get the good birth so have to put up with a bit of discomfort during pg'. My pg was ok no major problems. We discovered we were having a girl. Sil stopped coming round. My birth was again a good one which I played down when SIL asked and said I was lucky and moved on.

Since dd was born Sil has been making petty arguments to not speak to us eg. She refused to speak to us because we said that we were going to her sons bday party by train she wanted us to go by bus. She hasn't spoken to us in 4months now and wants us to apologise for taking the train. Mil has taken SIL side and now neither are talking to us. It is dp b.day today and I can see how hurt he is that his family won't be calling to say happy b.day

Now all this is because I had a good birth lost my birth weight through exercises and had a dd. I was supportive and did everything I could to make it easier on SIL and although chuft to have a dd I really didn't care just wanted a healthy pg. Sil could not support me and I let it go But I am not apologizing for having a dd and a good birth and losing weight but I don't want to hurt her feelings because I know she is finding these things hard to deal with. But I feel like I have given all I can and for the sake of my dc should walk away. WDYT

If you have taken the time to read this long post then thank you so much for taking the time to offer me help and advice.

OP posts:
beeny · 11/05/2010 11:34

I have read your post but dont understand the train or bus thing

MrsMargate · 11/05/2010 11:39

More info on the train/bus thing please.

Original poster
slushy06 · 11/05/2010 11:40

Basically me and dp don't drive Sil son b.day was at 1o'clock The train is cheaper and easier so we said we would get the train and meet her at the party. SIL shouted at my partner no I want you to come to my house by the bus. Dp said no, we went by train and went directly to the party and were informed afterwords that SIL was not speaking to us till we apologized for going on the train.

She also before had a big row with us saying dp didn't phone on her b.day when he did but there was no answer, but she has forgotten all of my b.day's.

OP posts:
beeny · 11/05/2010 11:43

Im sorry but what difference what your method of transport make

Original poster
slushy06 · 11/05/2010 11:46

That is what I mean it makes no difference to her she is just trying to argue with us so she doesn't see dd. But MIL says we should say sorry so that the family does not get ripped up and said she won't speak to us until we do.

There have been loads of arguments just like this, completely pointless since dd was born.

OP posts:
diddl · 11/05/2010 12:00

Well I´m a b!tch as I wouldn´t say sorry & I wouldn´t care if it ripped the blöödy family up as they sound stupid!

ginnny · 11/05/2010 12:04

Why don't you apologise in a roundabout sort of way, ie "We are sorry if we upset you by getting the train, but we didn't realise it was so important to you".
Then keep a polite distance from her but still see her (and invite her to) family occasions without involving yourselves in all her dramas.
I know its backing down and seems ridiculous, but sometimes its easier just to keep the peace.

beeny · 11/05/2010 12:05

Agree with diddl even if you did say sorry would find something else to argue about.

SecretPollingBooth · 11/05/2010 12:06

she's very strange
did you ask why she even cared?

diddl · 11/05/2010 12:36

TBH your MIL sounds horrible for taking sides.
I know she doesn´t want her children to argue but you are adults & your travel arrangements really aren´t anyone elses business.

Also people say to pick your battles, but I really can´t be doing with apologising to people just to keep the peace-especially if it seems as if they will pick on something fr the sake of an argument.

Original poster
slushy06 · 11/05/2010 12:36

It is not just this so I am afraid there will be more. I swallowed on the rest but they just kept coming.

MIL was looking after our dog for us to attend a wedding and ds screamed and said 'please don't steal my dog'. I was busy getting ready and so just got the dog out and then explained to ds but I had to say sorry about this.

A enormous row because my 8yo sister got to hold dd before SIL and MIL.

I know it is the having a girl because she also broke of contact with her best friend of 15 years. Her best friend has 3dd and after the birth of dd2 and 3 her dh started abusing her and SIL said 'she deserves it she has to pay for having 3dd'.

I think she has gone insane she keeps claiming that her 6week miscarriage was a girl and would have been born on the same day as dd was .

But on one hand I feel guilty because everyone else says SIL is fine so we are the only ones who can see she needs help. But on the other this behavior is starting to really effect ds and I am also concerned that she thinks dd should have been hers (went nuts about dds name and said why don't we call her what she was going to call her miscarried dd

OP posts:
Original poster
slushy06 · 11/05/2010 12:39

MIL always takes her dd side over her two ds because in her family girls are more desired . This I think is why SIL is reacting so bad.

OP posts:
motherlovebone · 11/05/2010 12:42

it all sounds bonkers.

there must be more to it than you are saying??

why have you gone along with this insanity until now?

MrsMargate · 11/05/2010 12:44

SIL sounds mad.

The longer she refuses to speak to you the better.

Tell her you're adopting girl triplets - with luck she'll fuck off for good.

Honestly, don't apologise.

Sounds like there's more to the train/bus thing - is the bus more reliable? would you have spent more time there if you'd gone by bus? What was her reasoning?

I am fascinated by that particular bit of lunacy.

ItsGraceAgain · 11/05/2010 12:51

Good lord, she's really been devastated by not having a girl hasn't she?

I think it's very good of you to understand - and agree, there's not really a heck of a lot you can do about it. Assuming these problems didn't exist before the DD fiasco, I suppose her Mum's backing her up because she doesn't know how else to support her?

I would be inclined to tread softly around her - validate her feelings as much as you can, without turning yourself into an emotional dustbin - which, it seems, you're doing as well as you can manage anyway. Is it possible to have a heart-to-heart with MIL about the underlying reasons for all this? It's a pity that she feels she has to take sides, when she's probably tearing her hair out over what to do.

I'm so sorry this is taking away from your joy in your own family but, basically, it looks as if SIL's heading for a very bad place and there isn't much anyone can do about it ... it's one of those "hold tight and hope for the best" situations, isn't it?

VoulezVouzCrochezAvecJACK · 11/05/2010 12:51

In all honesty it sounds like your SIL is grieving from her mc and not coping with that veyr well at all, especially if her SIL and her friend have new babies after she lost one.
YOur MIL is not helping her byt pandering to all of this and not suggestng that she gets some help.

Original poster
slushy06 · 11/05/2010 12:51

SIL said it was easier for her if we caught the bus (but it really would not have made a difference)but they have always wanted to be in control of things like deciding where to go for family meals. But after dd was born MIL started asking me where to go for family dinners instead of SIL.

I went along with it because I know how hard it was for sil and how devastated she was to miscarry specially when MIL said I had 6 stop whining. The birth I know she found quite traumatic so I was willing to cut a bit of slack in the hope that she would deal with her feelings and move on because I felt a lot of sympathy but she isn't.

There is honestly no more to the story which is also why I have been so confused and swallowed in order to try and find out more but this is it.

OP posts:
Original poster
slushy06 · 11/05/2010 12:58

MIL does not support SIL in any way and refuses to acknowledge that SIL needs help and attention. So if I leave which I am pretty close to SIL has no one.

I have no idea how she is feeling because I have not had this misfortune and don't know what to say. The problem seems to have got worse because she can't talk about how she feels because she will feel guilty about her ds2.

OP posts:
motherlovebone · 11/05/2010 13:05

suggest counselling to her, tell her you care but this is her last chance and you cant be her 'emotional dustbin' as another poster put it.

this situation is not healthy for anyone.

you need to look after your own DC / DH / self first.

Original poster
slushy06 · 11/05/2010 13:12

I suggested counselling but she laughed and said in a hearty voice why would I need counselling I have two beautiful ds. She is pretending everything is fine because she thinks to admit she is upset over the miscarriage and not having a dd will mean she does not love her ds2. I tried to tell her it was okay to feel this way but she won't listen, and until everyone else sees that she needs help I don't think I can do any more for her.

It is like she is screaming and no one is listening. I am not surprised that she is losing it.

OP posts:
TheCrackFox · 11/05/2010 13:14

She sounds as mad a s box of frogs. Leave her to it.

If your DH wants a relationship with his sister this can be done without you.

Original poster
slushy06 · 11/05/2010 13:25

Dp is sick to death of it all and refusing to back down in any way he says 'she may have had a rough time and I am sorry she has but she is not the only one and it is not our fault or our dc and I am not taking the blame for it' SIL and MIL have always been nightmares anyway and dp says they take more from the table than they bring. I have left it to him up till now but I could smooth things between them if I wanted.

What about if I write SIL a letter saying we are still not going to apologize but if she ever needs someone to talk to I will be here for her. Thus leaving it to SIL so when she is ready she knows I will help but my dc are not being dragged into this and I am no longer a emotional dustbin.

OP posts:
Squitten · 11/05/2010 14:03

Why? Do you honestly think she'll welcome anything you have to say?

Your DP is absolutely right. She's had a rough time but it's no excuse for making your lives a misery. If he's happy to let them get on with it, I don't know why you would want to stir it up any further

Leave it and get on with your own lives!

TheCrackFox · 11/05/2010 14:18

Your DP is right.

Do not write a letter - it is only like picking a scab.

Leave her to and continue enjoying your family.

MrsMargate · 11/05/2010 14:39

I am still baffled and fascinated byt he bus train thing.

Surely you pitch up on the doorstep at a certain point and then leave? Odd woman.

And it sounds like she has some issues but I don't thing pandering to them is a good idea. I wouldn't wrtie a letter saying you won't apologise - I bet she'd find in inflammatory.

Distance yourself from her issues about the gender of her children - in fact, keeep her at an arm's length generally.

Hang on. Is she a bus driver?