Moving my new partner in?

[SlightlyScatty]

Hi there.

I'm new to Mumsnet, but I wanted to get some advice. I am a mum of 3 and I split up with my husband (for the second time) a year ago. We were together 9yrs in total. The split was mainly my decision, but my ex could see we were over.

Things with my ex were fairly friendly- as long as I lived rigidly by his terms and showed no interest in meeting someone new. He treated me as if we were still married but living in separate homes. (& no, no intimacy!!)

In January this year I met a really wonderful man, and I told my ex at the end of February. He had a breakdown, wouldn't allow me to introduce the kids to my new partner (I hadn't intended to rush into that anyway!) or even for my partner to visit when the kids were asleep! We agreed (grudgingly) on Easter as a fair time for the kids & my new partner to meet, but my ex has caused problems all the way.

Although I could have gone against his wishes, I wanted to try & keep things amicable, but it hasn't really worked out that way.

Anyway, my kids have met my new partner & they all get on wonderfully. I have also met my new partner's daughter, who he sees regularly, and everything is going great.

So my dilemma now is that we would like to move in together at some point- but when is a reasonable amount of time before this happens?

I'm far from naive or easily led- this relationship is on a whole new level for me & I think it's the real thing. We really hate being apart, and there are financial considerations maintaining 2 homes- but of course, I don't want to rush anything!

Finally there is the fact that my ex & his family would be dead against the idea.

So now what? Any advice would be very gratefully received!

(Apologies for the duplicate post- I am new to Mumsnet and first posted this in Step-Parenting, before realising its perhaps better here at this stage.)

Well, I'm not divorced / separated but I think I would try to take things at a reasonable pace.

Regarding your ex, are you taking legal steps to split up? If so, I would try to reach agreement before you make a new home with a new partner.

Also, not wanting to be negative, but if I were in this situation I would want to protect family assets for my DC and I would be concerned about someone I had only known 4/5 months moving in and potentially having a claim on my home.

Not saying don't spend time with him and enjoy his company but what's the rush about moving in? Also, wouldn't him moving in mean you would have to split your assets with your ex straight away, not wait until your youngest child finishes full-time education?

I would make sure the legal situtation is sorted first. If you are no longer married, it will be easier for your exH to see you two as single and make it all a bit more final.

Also, on a selfish point of view, your new DP's income and assets could be taken into consideration in the divorce settlement, leaving you with less than if not.

And I would suggest a year before living with someone new is a good time frame, your DC's need to get used to 'mum and dad aren't together' before having a new man in their lives. Plus, to people outside of the marriage, it will look like he's the other man, even if you didn't get together with him before the split (although that's less of an issue)

Thanks for your answers.

First of all I don't have any hard & fast plans to move my new partner in- it's something we both want and have STARTED talking about.

Secondly, my home is rented & the tenancy is in my name & I wouldn't be changing that unless I was VERY sure! My ex wasn't even a joint tenant as he moved in with me originally & we never got around to changing it!

Thirdly, yes I have started divorce proceedings against my ex & thanks to the lifestyle my husband basically forced us to live (he was mostly an out of work alcoholic)- there really aren't any other "assets" to consider.

I'm just trying to get a feel for what peoples opinions are on timescales.

My current partner lives 60 miles away so has to do alot of traveling back & forth. I have a health condition which makes it hard for me to travel much, so that is put on him unfortunately- not that he's not happy to do it. I also don't have many babysitting options so my new partner is already spending quite alot of time here, which is why we have started discussing him moving in.

As for how well I know this man- he is a friend of a friend who has known him years & I have already met or spoken to his family etc so I'm not going in blind here.

Sorry to "bump" but I wondered if anyone had anything to add? I'd like to get as many opinions as possible.

I would encourage him to take a chunk of time off work and come to stay with you for a while before formally moving in.

After just 4 months you're still in the rosy glow stage - that feeling of hating to be apart is natural in such a new relationship.

Why not go on holiday together?

Thanks fortyplus.

My new partner had an accident & damaged his leg just after we met and is/will b off work for a few months (torn cruciate ligament- needs op) so he has been around quite alot- more than he would of been otherwise. We are also hoping to take a long weekend away with the kids over the summer.

I just want to clarify that even if we were to move in together it wouldnt be for another 3 months or so at the very least!

thesecondcoming, I do understand what you're saying- but I'm not sure why you are attacking me for asking for advice?

I haven't actually made ANY decisions just yet- that is why I'm here!

Just bear in mind that infatuation is powerful - your new dp sounds a lovely contrast to you rather overbearing ex.

I don't think it sounds as though your DCs will have any problem accepting him - to them he probably already seems to heve been around forever. Weeks seem like an eternity when you're young, don't they?

The possible problems would be the trauma to your children if this new relationship broke down. That would be too much too soon.

Try not to allow financial considerations to force the issue. Presumably the fact that he can't work at the moment doesn't help?

Take your time... I would leave it till after Christmas to make sure that the relationship is going to stay the course.

Good luck!