This might be long but I need some perspective as to why I am such an idiot. Dh is an alcoholic with the ability to control it to suit himself. ie not while he is living with me and our kids. It is cos he has that control he cannot see the problem. Over the years he has sucked me dry with his issues. He is like a needy child, not a husband. Very emotionally detached, closed off and cold. I have felt like a single parent for years with him as a child. His drinking has got worse and the fall out from it worse for the whole family. I am in debt to the tune of thousands as he has bled the bank account dry to pay for booze and fags every single day and I have had to buy essentials like food and clothes and gas and electric on my credit card as well as replace beds he has ruined and furniture. Our sex life was non existent and that has caused a lot of tension as I have found it very difficult to cope with tho I haven't had an affair as he pointed out he would have done had it been me not wanting it. One of my son's is very anxious around him drinking , not cos he is abusive, but he is scared he sets fire to the house with his fags.( he nearly has on several occasions so that was not a unlikely senario) He has left twice in the past 18 months( I kicked him out) and both times I let him come back ( slap me please) but this time he admitted to me he hadn't wanted to come back the last time and left again of his own accord, tho I was angry cos he had swamped the bed yet again and we had a row before he went. Now he has gone the kids are happier and life is on the up BUT he is whining now. I have switched off my phone. The realities of living at his sister's and BIL with no money ( he hasn't worked since I met him) and no prospect of Job Seekers for 6 weeks is kicking in. He is shocked I am getting a divorce even tho I warned him I would. He isn't drinking at their house so of course I am a lying cow now and the pressure is on from them to take him back pronto and stop being so silly. I have no confidence left, little self esteem and I am finding it hard not to feel anxious about what he will try next. The house in my name. Even arranging him seeing his twin sons is hard. I don't want him here but he has moved miles away so has to spend a full day here to actually manage a visit as he has no transport( he can drive but was too drunk to in a morning so sold the car) He has no interest in my older children despite being "step dad" for 13 years. One is 18 next week and I know he won't even send her a card. So why do I feel so bad about it all? i feel a sense of dread. He is acting like a whipped puppy and lying about me to make himself look better. All his stuff is still here cos he has nowhere to take it as he has no money to get a flat and I feel in limbo. I am worried starting divorce proceedings on grounds of his unreasonable behaviour will start a war I am not up for. However I can't afford to wait 2 years cos if anything should happen to me by default of still being my husband he can waltz straight back in to my house and the first thing he would do is kick out all my older kids and he is not fit to care for the younger two.. I was never like this. I feel like I have turned into a wimp. How can I get my fight back?